Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

Maybe you should read them, if you are insinuating I have implied it myself. I absolutely haven’t and you’re insecurities or past experiences are making you take something from it that’s not there at all.
it’s ridiculous.

@Nursingadvice I think you have given the game away here.

"is. A good man would control his impulses. Unfortunately these men are rare."

You've had disappointing experiences with men and you tar most men with the same brush. You have withdrawn from this side of life and choose instead to live as a " friend" with someone else's husband.

Exactly this. This is me. I guess the difference is you are married and I am not so seen as a ‘threat’ even though I’m probably less of a threat than a married woman.

I don't think posters were? Most of us know the reality of these situations.

Jesus you make it sound as though I’ve moved in with them. I have friends I meet maybe once a month for a coffee or a dog walk. Get a grip.

Me too.
My much younger self was very black and white ...now life has taught me there are many shades of grey.

I can honestly say that I’ve been as excited by the arrival in my life of new female friendships as male ones, probably more so. I still remember when I first met someone who has been one of my closest friends for 25 years — I was really excited by encountering someone so new and interesting and who was equally pleased to have met me. I thought about her a lot, and looked forward to seeing her. And we’re two straight women!

Can I just point out that I’m 52, and have knocked around a fair bit? Not some bright-eyed teenager living on ideals with zero life experience.

I see entirely where @Nursingadvice is coming from. So many posters are talking about ‘lone females’ ‘targeting’ married men, like they’re some kind of sniper getting them in their crosshairs! And that other weird Mn trope about middle-aged men invariably developing friendships with much younger, pretty female colleagues, and how it’s never 60something Mavis from Payroll.

@Nursingadvice is just pointing out that she’s a socially-anxious, celibate 40 year old, not the office sexpot. That whatever her male friends see in her, it’s not her cleavage, suggestive lip-licking, or the prospect of getting it on in the photocopier room.

I suspect what a lot of posters are getting at is that you know their wives aren't happy about it, but that you carry on because its what you want and are ignoring the impact it has on your friends relationships. I'm not having a pop at you BTW, just coming at it from a different angle so you can see why some people have an issue with it x

But it’s up to the two people in the marriage to take responsibility for how they manage friendships, surely? Not someone who may never even have met one of the spouses.

Is this one of those weird unthinking Mn assumptions where women are assumed to do all the emotional work, including remembering their DH’s mother’s birthday and buying her a present ‘from him’, and second-guessing the possible emotional responses of a woman you’ve never met? That comes under the heading of ‘not my problem’ for me. If someone says ‘I can’t go for a drink after work, Susan doesn’t like it’, then I’d privately wonder about the dynamics of that marriage but obviously I’m not going to haul Keith off to the pub by force. But Keith has used his words here. It’s not my job to figure out.

"Jesus you make it sound as though I’ve moved in with them. I have friends I meet maybe once a month for a coffee or a dog walk. Get a grip."

Yet you seem to delight so much in it ?

@Ratri
"If someone says ‘I can’t go for a drink after work, Susan doesn’t like it’, then I’d privately wonder about the dynamics of that marriage "

And that is Susan and Keith's choice. They have decided how their relationship runs and works.

Where have I given that impression? Genuinely I haven’t. You’re projecting.

@Ratri

As I said she is much more than that ?

"@Nursingadvice is just pointing out that she’s a socially-anxious, celibate 40 year old, not the office sexpot. That whatever her male friends see in her, it’s not her cleavage, suggestive lip-licking, or the prospect of getting it on in the photocopier room."

@Nursingadvice

"Both wives have problems with it, even though I’ve met them and it’s friendly. Behind my back they complain and make a fuss. One friend now doesn’t speak to me which is really sad. The other is still a close friend luckily"

@Nursingadvice " get a grip"?

Have I touched a sore point? You have volunteered all this information about yourself so you must expect people to tell you the impressions they are getting by your numerous postings.

@SabreIsMyFave
This. There are some right arrogant nobby posts on here from a few posters who are saying they don't GET why some wives are allegedly soooo paranoid... And their DH's should be allowed young female friends who they message constantly while with their wife and children, socialise with them privately alone, and chat privately with no-one else there. LOL fuck off. 😂 Is that hell acceptable for any married man to do!

And as for the patronising and hilarious post that someone posted further back suggesting 'maybe some mumsnetters should get some close male friends to deal with the loneliness many of them appear to have' (as the OP's husband's female friend clearly has). Are they taking the piss?!' 😂 I don't need to insert someone else's fucking husband into my life, and keep messaging him 20 times a day, with stupid memes and jokes and photos and cute messages with xoxoxo all over them, taking his attention away from his wife. I'm not sooo desperate for male company and sooo needy, that I need extra male friends in my life. And I certainly don't need to socialise with married male friends - alone. (Or want to!)

I have enough friends, (mostly female but several male) and A HUSBAND OF MY OWN, and also 2 adult DC, and I'm not that desperate for attention, or short of company, and people in my life, that I need to get attention and 'company' from other womens husbands! And as I said earlier, I HAVE male friends. (A few married, a few not,) but I don't constantly message them, chat with them at great length, and socialise with them alone (just me and him.)

And I would NEVER socialise with a married man and completely exclude his wife. As a married woman I have NO desire to socialise with any man, married or not, if it is just me and him. Such a shitty cunty way for a man to treat his wife, AND for a woman to behave with a man she knows is married. If you're a woman who is so desperate for male company, and so needy and attention-seeking and lonely, go for a single man!

THIS

what a refreshing post.
You've put in to words my thoughts exactly as I've almost RTFT
Can't see anyone arguing with this.
Love it - completely on point- cutting out the bs.

I was just trying to help you see things from a different angle. I'm not disagreeing or agreeing with you, but you keep implying you don't understand what the issue is despite other posters telling you, just because you can't/won't/don't agree doesn't make it unreasonable for other people to feel a different way to you.

This man is a prick to his wife. She doesn’t like him seeing you. You know this because he told you. But he carries on seeing you. It’s the ‘my wife said she doesn’t like us going out together but I’m going to carry on seeing you anyway’ - that’s really disrespectful to his wife and it makes him a prick. Why did he tell you? Do you think his wife knows he told you? Do you think she’d be happy if she knew? More pertinently, what would you think of a man who did that to you?

Comes from a place of complete paranoia and insecurity though. If you can’t see that then you are deluded.

See if it happened like that, which it didn’t, I’d say it’s the wife that’s the problem in that scenario.

Don't think anyone is surprised that you'd blame the wife.

Being married to somebody does not give them ownership or control. You’re focusing too much on gender. Why does one person get to tell another person who they can or can’t be friends with for no valid reason?
I would blame whichever person was trying to do that, regardless of gender. That would be their issue to work through, with their partner.

You’ve swerved the questions. I think you’re being deliberately obtuse but there’s nothing to be gained in engaging with you further

OP, if you’re still around, go with your gut. You’re not paranoid or controlling or deranged.