Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

Invite yourself, the reaction(s) will answer your question!

I would go along OP.
It sounds innocent enough so far but things are developing : they are frequently messaging about non work stuff, lift sharing and now talking about going for drinks together so they are obviously becoming close.

Yanbu. Had similar. Seems to have died down but keeping an eye on it!

Invite yourself. If she’s in contact with you both, no reason why it should look weird. If it’s innocent and nothing to worry about, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t join them.

I'd position yourself front and centre. Invite yourself along and read their body language with one another. If it makes you uncomfortable then speak with dh to nip things in the bud now before it develops further.

not making any assumptions here regarding their friendship BUT in your position I know I’d need to meet her and get a sense of who she is and what she’s about…. If you do this then trust your gut, it’s rarely wrong! Hope you find out she’s just trying to make new friends… maybe she’s had a tough time with her break up and she’s being brave trying to make herself and her DC a new future with new people?

She is separated

What a surprise.

Do you really think that people strike up a daily messaging relationship with someone of the opposite sex that they have no romantic interest in?

Use common sense. Your DH is angling for an affair and she is encouraging it.

Yes, I do get that impression she’s trying to do that. She has been very proactive in reaching out to me separately and has suggested we meet up too. He’s been fairly open about it all and I do trust him. I guess it’s just making me feel a bit anxious as he does tend to take people under his wing (in a platonic way)

I think you're right to be uneasy and I would also invite myself along to any drinks/meals out.

However, what I will say is that my female colleague and I are both friendly with another male colleague and we are in a 3 person group chat with him as well as separate messages to him (and each other). Can be daily. He is married, my friend is seeing someone and I am single. None of us have any romantic intentions at all. It was after quite a few months that my female friend had a Xmas party and we invited him and his wife. I hope she saw that there was nothing wrong going on, I don't believe she had any concerns beforehand though. We would be more than happy for his wife to come to any future drinks/meals/nights out and we really made efforts to include her in all conversations and jokes.

Trust any gut feelings though. Only you know how things are and how he's acting etc

If he will cheat, you stopping it isn't the answer.

I would not tolerate this.

If my husband's going out for a drink with a woman, it's me.

I think being work friends is ok and even messaging about various interests. I have done this with male and female colleagues and I think that's normal. What I wouldn't do is meet a male colleague for a drink alone outside of work. To me, that's overstepping the mark. Group work nights out, fine. Grabbing lunch with a male colleague while at work, fine. But meeting up for a drink just the two of them, that would make me very uncomfortable.

She sounds a little lonely OP. Maybe her social circle was very linked to her partner. I think it's nice she's obviously reaching out to both of you vs just your DH. I'd definitely pop along to the drinks as well because why shouldn't you? It's not like she hasn't messaged you too, and hopefully it'll be a nice evening for all 3 of you.

If it was a male friend would you have an issue?

I think she's trying to find friends given your updates. Id go for the drink too and be open to the friendship and just get a feel her as a person. It's still ok to feel uncomfortable with their friendship, I think most would but only you can decide if it's purely platonic

Deffo dodgy but if he’s going to cheat he will.

Cynical me was she is messaging you too to make it look innocent and see what's what.

I'd imagine not, obviously 🙄

Don't do that.

Is he not allowed a friend. Have you heard yourselves?

So I’ve voted not unreasonable, but I’m not sure. I have some close male friends, and I always make a point of being friendly towards their partners because I want to be clear that I am not a threat and I recognise that they come as a pair. However, I can’t imagine messaging a married male friend to the extent that you describe. Especially not that quickly into knowing someone. Especially not if I was single (I’m not). I care about my friends and would be horrified if I did anything to make their partner doubt them.

Have you?

Of course he's allowed friends.

Absolutely this. Opposite sex friendships are fine, but within set boundaries that both of the married couple are comfortable with. As soon as it’s an after work drink one on one - hell no! And then if/when he gets protective of the opposite sex friendship………….it’s a major red flag.

Sage advice