Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

HAH! We have indeed buried that notion. But our wet and dangly bits haven't got the message yet!

Exactly. And that's not even for the wife's sake but I would be afraid he'd get the wrong idea if I went out with him for drinks.

I had a married man doing the school run who insisted on us getting together for a coffeee to talk because our kids liked to play together. I felt really uncomfortable because when you ask once and the person is vague surely you don't keep on asking. He also tried to hug when we met so I got friends to help out and "block him" without him noticing. He knew I was married and I had met his wife. I should have called him out on it but I dreaded seeing him every day on the school run. One day he was just gone and his wife was there. I don't have to guess why they broke up..

It is a very strange thing that the special friends of middleaged men are always young women! They are never middle aged or older women. Of course it is not going to lead to anything good - before you know it he'll be popping round for DIY and comforting her about some emotional crisis.

When I was a young woman, I wouldn't have dreamed of intruding on a married or indeed a single colleague in this way. I can't even imagine the level of cheek it takes to contact their spouse as well. I was very careful to avoid giving any encouragement to colleagues that I might be available in any way. Most of all I avoided solo drinking with them.

I am not a cool wife type. I'd be telling him to nip it in the bud right now. Do you think he'd be happy about you acting like with an attractive single male colleague?

This. 100%

What you have described is exactly how my ex ended up leaving me. She got in touch with me too but it was all a cover.

Said it already, it's never 63 year old Margaret from accounts, is it.

Invite yourself. Reaction will tell you.
Me and my female worm friend have a guy work friend, difference is we're all with very serious partners/married. We send each other links to things we've talked about, holidays some of us are interested in if I see a link to a place I'll send it to him, or cars or something. Three of us meet for coffee while I'm on mat leave, sometimes with others too, we'll do walks when I've been in office before mat leave sometimes all of us sometimes just me and him or just me and her.
Purely platonic so it can happen and I hope this is a similar set up for your DH ❤️

I'm a single parent and wouldn't consider it appropriate to frequently text a married man and to meet him for drinks without his partner. I have also experienced a new "friend" hanging around both myself and an ex partner only to move in on the partner as soon as there was an opportunity. I would see this behaviour you've described as not respecting boundaries. Also when alcohol is involved inhibitions reduce, a coffee during work hours would be more reasonable.

Controlling much?

But unless he’s bi there’s zero chance of him being attracted to a fucking his male friend is there? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Even if he didn’t set out to sleep with this woman simply bc she’s a woman, the fact she is a woman makes that possibility, however small, a possibility!

If he is feeling bored or at a stage where he’s questioning his life, or if he and OP have had marital problems, resentments, perceived attacks, general family stresses or health scares - it makes the fact he is nurturing a new relationship, even if it sets out as platonic - a risk that something will happen that shouldn’t. Call it what you will, escapism, a midlife crisis, a one-off… the fact she is single, has a daughter, is perhaps vulnerable and looking for comfort, protection, partnership - it’s not the same as meeting up for a pint and a chat with Clive down the local is it, come on.

I've got a good male friend. We used to work together then he got transferred to another office. We kept in touch and messaged regularly. I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in him & I'm confident he has none in me

We meet regularly for coffee or lunch. His wife sometimes comes, usually with no prior warning. And that's absolutely fine. I get it.

The only thing I dont like about her coming is it changes the dynamics of the conversation. She & i basically have nothing in common and she's not someone id be friendly with but if her coming along every now & again is to reassure herself then I have absolutely no issue with that at all.

Were you friends before he got married?

No, he was my neighbour at work for 2 years I think but he was always married when I knew him.

How does his wife act around you and him during your meet ups? Do you sense any tension? Is she polite with you but acts annoyed and resentful towards him? If she’s friendly and affable she probably doesn’t have a problem with it unless she waits til they’re alone to have a go at him over it. Must be awkward if she arrives unannounced without him at least texting to say x is coming too, hope that’s ok or she’s shopping afterwards so will be joining us etc.

If you sensed she didn’t like you or approve of the friendship would you withdraw do you think?

I think if you pointedly invite yourself to their meet ups and position yourself between them you will look like the jealous, insecure wife. It will be obvious what you are trying to do, I recommend keeping your dignity in tact and just letting it be. It doesn't sound like there's anything nefarious going on to me; it sounds like they share common interests and click. No wonder we have such a loneliness epidemic in this country. Policing who your partner can build friendships with is controlling, it is entirely possible to have platonic friends of the opposite sex.

You sound very propriotorial about him: as though really you think your friendship should take precedence over his marriage but you " don't mind" her coming along occasionally.
If you are " messaging regularly" and meeting up alone, apart from when she " turns up" it really sounds as though she feels she has cause to be worried about your friendship. Even if you have no interest in him you can absolutely have no certainty what type of interest he has in you.
I'm afraid I feel a lot of sympathy for his wife.

We get on really well. We don't have a lot in common but she's a great story teller and quite funny so it's still a really nice meet up.

If the occasions she came it was awkward or I felt she was merely tolerating me I think I probably would step back. If I thought our friendship was giving him problems at home no question about it.

OP, I think she is looking to create social network after break up, and therefore includes you too. She may even seek female friendship and your DH is a way in. Give her a chance, you might make a good friend or at least acquaintance and she may even back off your husband.

Last year my DH was in a similar position, I was uneasy. Also break up, also lonely though no out of work hours contact to my knowledge. She was the only work person he invited to our wedding, much younger than me and drop dead stunning, and lovely personality. And yet there was nothing in their interaction than just friendship. By the end of the night she befriended my adult DD and they have been out a few times. This woman has subsequently moved 3 hours drive away, worked remotely for a bit and now resigned. I hear from DD about her every now again, but with DH it’s out of sight, out of mind. So, it’s not always affairs.

Don't be so ridiculous. Ofcourse his marriage is far more important. And if I genuinely though our friendship caused him any issues I'd step back but equally I think if it was causing issues he'd already have stepped back from it

I'd say I don't mind any extra person turning up to a lunch i have with a friend but it does change the dynamic

As I said in another reply she & I get on very well there's no awkwardness whatsoever when she does come.

Believe me she doesn't need your sympathy.

If be there and stay involved in this.

I’m very close friends with a man who I’ve worked with for a long time. He’s in the middle of a divorce. We send each other instagram reels quite a lot and regularly chat. My husband knows and doesn’t mind at all. He’s my friend. Also completely platonic and never even the slightest bit of flirting. However if my husband was upset or worried about it I’d reduce the contact. We absolutely do not fancy one another. We have just worked together for 15 years!

No the level headed non neurotic woman has arrived.

If he's going to cheat he will cheat, if OP suspects this friendship then they already have trust issues.

That's different from what you said in your original account: you said you had nothing in common with her and she's not someone you'd be friendly with

Your subsequent posts paint a totally different picture of your relationship with this man than your original one.

I totally trusted my partner. So much so, that the word 'trust' was never mentioned. He started a friendship with the mother of one of his tutees.
It became something more very quickly - a real emotional affair with endless texts, emails, and secret 'going for a run' etc.
Old female friends are fine; new ones I'd be wary of.

As a separated woman myself I can say without any doubt I wouldn’t have ANY interest in starting a romantic relationship with anyone else’s partner. Hopefully she’s the same.

I would also say life can be lonely and it’s nice to have friends. I do have friends who are couples. If you and your partner both get on well with her then maybe a WhatsApp group msg where she msgs you both might be an idea.

I stand by that. She's not someone id have as a friend and we have nothing in common really but I can chat & enjoy her company for a few hours now & again.

As I said she's a good story teller & she'll chat about their shared hobby & grandchildren etc but I wouldn't (& dont) have any contact with her outwith the lunches she comes to