Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

Right…. Trust issues as in her gut is telling her that something’s off with this particular friendship, which is why she’s not feeling happy about it.

I have 3 close male friends, we all met at primary school and have been friends for over 30 years. Strictly platonic, all of them are like brothers to me and even we don’t message every day!

I have male colleagues but we don’t text outside of work, work related conversations happen only at work, unless emergency situations etc.

@Saladdays01
My DP (together 15 years) has a wonderful ex colleague who is now our joint friend.
She is stunning so at first I felt very much like it was a ticking time bomb before he read me the script but she's absolutely wonderful. She also made the effort to involve me and even though predominantly she's his friend she happily pops over for lunch with me at time to time and comes to visit our children as their aunty. (North West so your neighbour's school pal's friend Brenda is your aunty here 😁)
I hope in this situation this woman is someone who adds joy to your lives instead of worry.
I know my situation isn't the most common ending to a new woman friend, so I've been lucky I guess and I also have male friends. (Who I wouldn't touch with someone else's bargepole so there is that 😂)

@Saladdays01, it doesn’t sound like he views her as ‘just a person’ at all.

I would not be comfortable with the escalation of his connection with this new woman: working together, frequent private messaging outside of work, exploring commonalities, lifts, making plans to go for a drink (date). They are building intimacy and reliance, and are enjoying mutual flattery and validation.

I would absolutely go to the drinks outing, and would ask him to cut out the messaging and put some distance. He is on a slippery slope and you have the right to set a boundary.

My DP had a female work friend, shared lifts etc. I met her, I don't think it ever went any further and I never gave it much thought. But a few years later he met another woman at work, had an affair and is now married to her. It happened right under my nose. So I think it's sensible to keep a close eye on these things, but at the end of the day if he wants to have an affair, he will, whatever you do.

I have two male friends - who I message a lot have known them years. We talk about all sorts and meet up. One is an ex-boyfriend from school and my early 20s who became a friend and one is an old friend from school. There is absolutely nothing in it. All 3 of us are married. I see the ex-boyfriend every month or so for lunch or we do something eg go to an exhibition. The other one lives abroad but when he is here we meet often and go walking , eat out, he comes to our house. When he is back where he lives we message at least weekly but sometimes daily.
We talk about things we remember, films, music we like, what we used to do, politics, books, family, swop photos of walks we've been on, anything really. Same in messages. Bit like having a penpal when you're 12 😁
They have both been incredibly supportive of me at different times and I of them. They are 2 people I just like. DH isn't the least bit bothered. I read him bits of their emails, he has met them and knows both of them- he never comes out with us though. They wouldn't be people he'd have as his friends. I know their wives and both are nice but I sort of feel the same.

I'd be worried 😟

If she is talking to you about their shared hobbies, their grandchildren, it very much sounds as though she is trying to make a point to you: that she and he have a life together that you are not part of. It sounds as though she is trying to remind him also what he has lose.
If he is a grandfather I take it he is an older man. Are you a similar age to him or are you younger?

We're a similar age. Although I'm single I talk about my family too - Maybe we do have something in common 😂 As far as their hobby goes, I ask about it. It involves something I've always wished I could do

I think the conversation going that way is more its things I'm interested in rather than her making a point. It's a bit of common ground. I show a genuine interest in both those areas of their life.

Invite yourself along and you too may make a brand new friend !!
….the alternative is she runs for the hills and you don’t have to worry about her.

I suspect the latter will happen once you start popping up and getting involved “all friendly”.

I am on the other side of this. I have become friendly with a (married) man at a local hobby group. I would like to be proper friends with him. It's quite upsetting that I will never be able to be real friends, that our interactions will have to remain just related to the hobby, as otherwise I will be seen as a wannabe 'man stealer'.

I moved in mid-life to a new part of the UK. I have always had male friends but I have realised that, at this age, making new male friends is pretty much off limits as most of them are married, and I would be viewed with suspicion.

Honestly it pisses me off. I don't want to have sex with your bloody husband. I am just a human who doesn't want my friend choices limited to half the population. Its hard enough making friends at this age as it is, without this added limitation.

It starts this way.

My husband had a work friend who was younger, female and just a friend. Then he left me and set up home with her. He's been my exhusband for 29 years. Be very careful. Be very aware.

Thanks everyone for all your responses. It’s been interesting reading them all. I asked him this morning what he would do if she wanted more than friendship and he said he would say he wasn’t interested. And that she wouldn’t and that it’s really not like that and can’t I see her just as a person rather than a woman. (He does get on well with women in general).
I will suggest I come along too as it just makes me feel very uneasy. I trust him but tbh it’s her chatting with him so much out of work that bothers me. I do wonder if she just does that a lot in general though..?

Even if you do that in general you would be careful when it's a married man wouldn't you?

Well yes, I would! That’s also what makes me feel uneasy

I'd definitely do the going along too bit. If she's looking for new friends thats fine. But you don't want to end up in a situation where they're new best mates, you're cut out of the loop, and worse if he starts downplaying how much they talk, or starts to try to hide it, or mentions to her you're being unreasonable. That's the downward slope I think.

In your shoes I might invite him and his wife round.
I agree it is tricky. I have a male friend since school but apart from the occasional coffee I usually see him and his wife together now.
We do message each other but it is in a group chat with his wife. She mostly ignores our messages, probably has it muted to be honest as its probably boring to her.

For all the 'so very cool' people on here, with their achingly modern friendships with the opposite sex and their superior ' oh god women are so neurotic, of course men and women can be friends' there are just as many of us who were shat on from a great height by our husband's 'little friendship'. In my case I had two toddlers at the time and lost my home. If your gut is warning you , listen to it .

I wouldn't feel comfortable doing this to a married male colleague.

There’s trust and then there’s being nice. A new female friend and alcohol? Nothing wrong with boundaries around a female friendship. We will see how innocent and above board this friendship is if she asked to be invited how her husband reacts. If he says no or gets defensive surrounding this friendship you have your answer. Because if his female “friend” was innocent and above board he would have no issues keeping this friendship open to her being friends with you too.

I highly down a man would be ok with his partner making a new male friend and going out to drinks solo with him.

This is a very date like activity and given it’s one on one quite intimate. We can be naive all we want but let’s be real that would be considered a date activity for many couples and in the evening over drinks there is a vibe to that. It’s a slippery slope bc think about it most romantic relationships started off as friendships.

also why is this friend ignoring he is MARRIED. If she is a true woman’s woman and wanted to show she was no threat why wasn’t the invite you and your WIFE should join. Sorry but this type of invitation should be extended to the couple.

If some new random woman asked JUST my husband to drinks I would be fuming because she would essentially be asking my husband out on a date. I would prob be exchanging some words with her and I would immediately expect my husband to immediately respond back with either, “sorry I’m married so I don’t date other women or sounds great my wife would love to make friends with another woman can’t wait to invite her”

Don’t allow it OP. I am single and would never get into a friendship with a married man where I saw them alone,even if I felt it was completely platonic. It is asking for trouble.

my ex is now in a relationship with a women who had a friendship with us both. I thought she was lovely and just being friendly. Took her into my confidence. Little did I know she had other ideas!! Gutted.

Aren't you friends at your hobby group though? What do you mean by wanting to be 'proper friends'? If you're talking about regularly going places together, going for drinks, to the cinema, nights out? Then that's something that's far nearer to dating than just being mates. What's wrong with you just being pals at your group?

Op i actually thinks that's the worst idea
Don't invite her into your home and don't entertain her messages either . If you really think she's up to no good, then you speak up and tell your husband, in what world does he think its OK to meet up with a single woman for drinks. Don't entertain this from the start. Communicate correctly and don't take part in the games people play. You let your husband know that if she's that important to him over you then you'll need her address to send his dirty clothes to as well , that's need washing too, she can cook his dinner as well. Fuck that, I'll be the wife at home, while he takes some other woman out for drinks.

I'd keep an eye on this. Your gut is a powerful thing.

I'll probably get yelled at for being a "cool wife" for saying this but in my experience norms do vary in different social circles. Where I used to live it was nbd to go for a quick pint with whoever in the wider circle was around, male or female. This is probably unusual where I live now unless at least one of the partnered couples is present. But even where it was normal, it was clearly unromantic and out in the open - like a message in the group chat going "Matt and I are in the Dog & Duck, who's coming?"

In your case, OP, I wouldn't raise any further concerns to your DH at this stage - could drive it underground, could plant ideas in his head, could create a problem where there isn't one. But I would take this new female friend up on her offer of friendship to you. I think she might well be trying to send you a sign here that she's not romantically interested in your DH. Start a group chat with all of you on, for this sort of chit-chat. After a while, if they're using their private chat and not the group chat, you'll be able to legitimately ask why. Make those drinks into group drinks.