Dh has new female friend

[Saladdays01]

DH (married 20 years) has recently become good friends with female colleague. She is separated with a young DD. Met her at a social event last month, she seems nice and has asked to meet up just with me too. However she messages my Dh nearly every other day now. Sometimes work stuff but usually sharing links to stuff they are interested in etc. I think it’s just friendly and she’s done the same with me (to a much, much lesser extent as we don’t really know each other yet). They do share a lift occasionally too. AIBU to be worried about all this? Dh says she’s just a person and I have absolutely nothing to worry about. They are talking about going for a drink at some point but I feel a bit uneasy about this. Should I invite myself along too or is that weird?!

I agree with this^
However I wonder if he has a reputation to take people under his wing it’s what she is after - useful support at work and useful contacts in him and you.

Saying this I absolutely wouldn’t like it but I never pretended to be a cool wife.

Come on now, no need to start slinging the misogynistic names around.

I assume when you say you may invite yourself along that this drink is intended for just the two of them? If so then that's crossing a boundary and I'd be very weary of why he'd want to go for a drink with another woman.

This.

I'd nip this in the bud Op & do it now whilst it's still nothing. My mum didn't & 100% trusted my dad (no reason not to as they'd been married 30 years) & lo & behold my dad left her for his much younger, single mum work colleague. She absolutely flattered his ego by needing his help & she made him feel young again. It was a horrendous time.

Don't be that dumb (or trusting) as to allow it to happen to you.

A very good point!

I don't really understand this notion of her cutting into time he should be spending on his marriage. People surely have enough bandwith for friendships as well as marriages. I have a male (married, with young DC) colleague who I text every working day that I don't see him. Almsot exclusively about work, but in a friendly and jokey way. It eats into work time if anything, not family time. I don't think about him when I'm with my DC or family, I think to text him when something related happens at work. So OP, I think this should be a test - do you feel that the friendship is distractingh him away from your marriage and family?

That is based insecurities, based on the fact she is a woman. If it was a man it's not a problem? Restricting your partners friendships based on your insecurities is abusive by definition

Usually it's one of the women who have these relationships. Blah blah I have lots of male friends 🥱

The likelyhood is he isn't trying to fuck his male friends as a straight man.

Better than being a woman who can't conceive of other women having different opinions to them, to the point where they assume that these other women are feigning their opinions to appear "cool" to men. God forbid a woman have an opinion of their own and express it, eh?

Maybe at the moment they are looking on it as an innocent friendship, but who knows how it will develop in the coming weeks or months. The friendship will get deeper over time, and could turn into something else. I would definitely discourage the meet ups. Don’t try and be ‘cool’ about this, only to kick yourself further down the line when it has turned into a romantic relationship.

There’s always an exception that likes to insist they are the rule.

As it happens, my boyfriend has a female best friend. They have been friends for a very very long time, though many periods of singledom. She got married long ago and we socialize with her and her husband. Occasionally they meet for lunch on their own.

So I know men and women CAN be just friends but frankly, my experience has shown time and time again that when a man and a woman suddenly struck up a new friendship, the majority of the time it is because there is romantic interest present on one or both sides, whether or not it is openly acknowledged.

If my boyfriend suddenly struck up a new friendship with a single woman and was going out for drinks with her without me, I would not be happy about it even though I’m fine with his best friend.

Any person who is realistic about human nature and values their relationship will set themselves clear boundaries around relationships with people of the sex they are attracted to.

Absolutely. I’m not a jealous or suspicious person, but there are lines I wouldn’t tolerate being crossed, and this is one of them.

It’s obviously very different having a male friendship than a female one. It’s very rare for a married man to have a close one on one close friendship with a single woman. And it’s rare for a reason.

Having actually been in an actual abusive relationship I find you bandying about that comment very offensive

It's not abusive to express concern to your spouse about their behaviour heading down a route that could lead to potential infidelity. It's a conversation you have if you care about your relationship

I have a male friend I met at work and we’ve now been friends for around a decade. It started very much as a work friendship and then progressed similarly to the OP to commuting to work together and texting back and forth about shared interests. I then went through a terrible break up and he was supportive throughout. We don’t work together any more but we still text and see each other occasionally. It’s a very platonic, almost familial relationship and we’ve both spent a good deal of time with each other’s families. However, we have never been for drinks alone and nothing like that has been suggested from either side. Although there are no romantic feelings at all between us, I still think it would cross some sort of line.

Also, it’s just my opinion, but I feel part of being someone’s friend is respecting their marriage and family. Doing something that could so clearly cause issues behind closed doors isn’t being a good friend.

He's not hidden it, he's invited to meet, he hasn't excluded her from coming along, and has told about the plan to go for drinks?
A coffee, a walk, a dinner is ok?

I don’t think it’s any more misogynistic than leaping into a thread to declare that if a woman is concerned about her husband’s new friendship with a single woman, it must be because she is so jealous and insecure that she can’t bear him having friends.

I have a number of friends who openly regret being a Cool Wife about their husbands’ female friendships. In one particular case, a woman in my close friend group struck up a friendship with another woman’s husband. Three years later, the affair came to light… along with the revelation that the OW had earlier tried to strike up a friendship with yet another husband in the group - but his wife had immediately expressed reservations that he respected, so he backed right off.

My husband is allowed friends. Male ones. I absolutely would not tolerate this nonsense and it wouldn’t have gotten this far.

My Husband is the same. I can only imagine his reaction if I was dicking around with a male colleague like that.

My DH and I have always been clear on our boundaries though. So there would never be a grey area. If a male colleague was texting me none work stuff out of work hours I wouldn’t be replying, as I’d expect the same from him.

Expressing your concern and restricting someone's friendship are two different things. My comment was about that and nothing more - I didn't ever say she should stay out of it or not ask to be invited.

Do you think she is attractive?
I think I’d invite myself along

Hmm

It's never the old hack in accounts they're friends with is it

Let me guess... She's pretty

That’s hilariously territorial. Old female friends have to start off as new female friends at some point.

What a low opinion you have of women. And your husband. Do you think your husband sees every woman as just a sex object? Or does he see people as individuals who he has stuff in common with and could be friends.

I distrust any man who has no female friends, I’ve met then like that and they have all been misogynistic, and unsurprisingly their poor partners have tried to keep them on a tight leash.