DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

@alizea Reading all your posts, I really think that you were too perfect as a parent.

Your son has never experienced bad parenting and so does not realise this.

Have you ever seen the "but we took you to stately homes!" long running threads? I'm not suggesting you were emotionally neglectful but might be an eye opener.

I wish there was a 'support' or 'sympathise' emoji on here!

Have you REALLY read all the posts?!

This is the funniest post I’ve ever seen on here.

Do you know what he actually sounds pretty thoughtful and mature. Whether he is right or wrong he feels aggrieved but he is trying to reassure you where he can and giving you connections. He is 25. I’d let him get on and have a great time. Send the letter, wish him well and respect his wishes.

You don't need to respond. Let him go, follow his wishes.
He is the ideal age to go off and travel. Less than 20 years ago, you would only have had the odd postcard.
Maybe he will work it all through whilst he is away.
My dsis did similar. My parents were wounded by it. But with the distance of time, some of it she was right about and some of it she looked differently at once she had kids of her own.
With my own adult kids, I think I was a better parent to one. I realised far too late that different kids need different parenting. I did what I though was right. I can't go back and change it now. Equally that dc is a parent now and has softened their view.

Well, compared to most parents she was perfect.

What exactly did she do wrong?

Well, compared to most parents she was perfect.

What exactly did she do wrong?

Try actually reading all the posts.

Lets unravel this a bit.

How will your DD1 kick off?

Are you scared of her?

What would happen if you just let her kick off, to the max?

Why are you so against her moving out?

I’m not surprised she has little social life, she sounds a little Verucca Salt!

I really sympathise but I get your ds's resentment too, he sounds like he was the easiest to parent and so you had higher expectations of him and his behaviour as a result and now he has come to resent it. Maybe deep down because of your high expectations you felt he should have behaved better during the breakup too and he sensed that and just wanted some unconditional support? It was a tricky position for you though.

How highly you think of him does come through in your posts though, you trust his financial judgement and you're proud of his hard work etc. He just needs to hear it and is now making his bid for attention and asserting himself with a bit of an emotional foot stamp. I don't think he really thinks he had a terrible childhood he is just lashing out.

It's so easy to unintentionally overlook a child that doesn't demand a lot of attention/supervision, I think I'm probably guilty of that with mine.

Just be honest with him, tell him how proud you are of him both as a person and also his hard work for all his achievements. Tell him you understand why he feels the way he does but you're glad he articulated it even if it wasn't something you wanted to hear as the alternative could have been that he just drifted away and became a stranger to you which would break your heart. I would also gently let him know that being a parent is incredibly tough.
I think he'll come around.

A lot of prioritising her daughters and letting her son feel unsupported! Please also remember you’re only hearing OPs POV. She’s obviously not going to think she did much wrong is she! Think about how many times you and your mother disagreed about versions of childhood memories. It would be very silly indeed to think that the OP is a super reliable narrator.

I have.

If it is so obvious, just tell me one thing as I can't seee anything.

@IMustDoMoreExercise heres another summary since you’re struggling so much.

Then I can't help you. Good luck to your own kids, if you're a parent.

Where was she unsupportive?

I am also the eldest and went through a lot of what he went through but did not get as much support as he did.

Maybe the bit where she prioritises the relationship with her daughter's friend over the one with her son? Because she doesn't want to upset her daughter.

Looking at it from his point of view, you've favored your daughters over him with time, labour like rides, and emotional support and especially Daughter1. You were neutral in the breakup and listening to your daughter feeding you negatives about your own son. Since the ex was still in the house frequently, he probably felt like no you weren't supportive of him and so felt pushed out by your enmeshment with his ex as well as less support in just being present for him.

I think you need to put some boundaries in place regarding your daughter and the ex. You've been unreasonable here in having ex over all the time in what should be your family's home. You've been unreasonable listening to your daughter drip poison from ex into your ear about your son.

Give him the space he's asking for. You pushed him to be more independent and he is. Maybe try that approach with your daughters, they sound a bit spoiled especially Daughter 1 if she's telling her siblings she's the favourite. Shut that down ASAP.

Can you read? If you can, it’s all in the OPs posts. I’m not spoon feeding you. If you have your own kids, good luck to them.

@Butchyrestingface "On the face of it, it does sound like he's navel gazing a bit and raking over the coals of old (possibly imagined - who can know?) injuries. However, the fact that you showed such little insight into, and therefore caused a massive dripfeed, over the issue with the ex girlfriend who has torpedoed his relationship with his sister, makes me think there's probably some justification for his feelings.

It's the issue with the ex that will have caused this recent schism and I'm still not convinced you've really taken the feedback on board about how disloyal and upsetting your 'neutrality' in the matter will have been for him. You don't need to be neutral where your own kid is concerned - you're not a high court judge on the bench at the Old Bailey.

There's a bunch of people posting to the thread in support on you who have CLEARLY not read all of your posts."

100% this. If the situation with the ex hadn't happened you may have found his other issues with fairness may not have been such a big issue, and something he moved on from. May have a grumble to friends but not a big issue
But when something big happens, like this issue with the ex it makes you look back at past events with a different outlook

Money does not fix all problems

Mumsnet is an extremely materialistic place. So many posters think that if you have money, then you can't possibly have any problems. It's bizarre.

I wonder if it's a generational thing to some extent? My parents are definitely of the ilk that think sending their kids to private school makes them parents of the year/century/milllenia.

I think it definitely can be. I think there's also an element of, if you think that having lots of money/nice holidays/stuff, is really important for you personally then, as long as you're providing your kids with that stuff, you think you've done a good job, no matter how you treat them otherwise, or how they might feel about it.