Page 20 | DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

alizea · 2025-01-23T01:51:45+00:00

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money. In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews. Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult. Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America. He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram. I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down. AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

Blondiebeachbabe · 23/01/2025 12:47

AnonymousBleep · 23/01/2025 12:28

Well luckily the son has left and isn't coming back home, because every time he did there his ex was sitting on his sofa laughing with his sister and parents, so the OP doesn't have to ban the ex now does she? Which is perfect, so long as she never wants to have any kind of relationship with her own son. The ex can fill the gap though, so that's fine.

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But that would be nothing new though! The Ex has been in and out of the home consistently, for the past 22 years!

Op's son decided to date his sister's best friend, I assume knowing (unless he's thick), that if they broke up, it would create an awkward dynamic for his sister, but he did it anyway.

Now the inevitable has happened, and he wants to ban Ex from the house she's always been in (under the guise of sisters best friend, for far more years than his girlfriend), even though he doesn't live there anymore and only pops in occasionally! He sounds like a controlling twat.

Now Op is caught in the crossfire, and whatever she does, she pisses someone off, and she didn't even create any of this shit in the first place.

Cue him then moaning to Op about his awful childhood (which it really wasn't), demanding minimal contact, before dropping the Mic and flouncing off into the sunset. Fuck him. I really hope he sees some very under privileged children on his travels, presuming he glances up from his naval often enough to notice.

Bob02 · 23/01/2025 12:48

TheRadiatorLady · 23/01/2025 12:41

It's also quite controlling to keep contacting someone who has politely asked you not to though.

if she keeps contacting him against his will, it's only going to make matters worse no matter what the rights and wrongs of it all are.

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If he wants to go NC that's up to him. He doesn't need to reply. It's up to @alizea if she follows his very specific instructions. I think his very immature and having a flounce.

Quiinkong · 23/01/2025 12:48

JandamiHash · 23/01/2025 02:03

I feel like I’m seeing more and more parents of adult children whose kids, after having led a privileged and loved life, turn round and proclaim what a terrible childhood they had because <insert non-issue of privileged child who never had to endure real hardship and think feeling left out now and again is neglect>. It’s like having a perfectly OK life isn’t interesting, trendy or Instagram worthy enough.

Why are young people doing this? Is it a hangover from being told they’re special and over-therapised “your boundaries matter and others MUST respect them” gubbins ? Or is it because he’s been travelling (I’ve known people to go travel and some catch a tropical disease, some catch obnoxious dickhead disease).

Anyway…my heart goes out to you OP. I’d be furious. Sorry but he sounds like a self pitying little twerp. “Leave me alone but you can follow me on Instagram”. He’s not Cristiano Ronaldo. Disrespectful as hell - you need to pull him up on this nonsense.

Break ups are awful but a whole year and 2 spells of worldwide travelling to get over it is OTT. If he hasn’t got over it by now that’s not your fault or problem. He needs to learn how deal with break ups and you don’t have to pander to overly long mooning.

Also I have to say I assume men who travel to Thailand alone are doing it because they’re sex tourists. It sounds a bit dodgy.

This has been happening with my brother over a few years now. During some conversations with him about our mum, he starts talking like he had such a traumatising childhood. I do admit that i feel my mum wasn't too maternal when we were growing up but she gave us the bare necessity. We weren't allowed to go out after school, no pocket money, no birthday or xmas presents etc but where I'm thankful to not have had a neglectful parent who didn't even care if we were breathing or suffered physical abuse, he sees all of it as if some harm had been done to him but the thing is, he only talks like that once a year. Now, we're all close to my mum, we get together as a family, laugh, go on holiday etc but when my mum and him have a disagreement on something, he likes to bring up to me his childhood as a way to criticise her. I've told him several times to be thankful instead of acting like our childhood affected him negatively when we can all see that it hasn't. Could my mum have been a better parent? 100% yes but there are also have parents out there who will allow a new bf to abuse her kids, druggie parents who don't even know if the kids are alive etc. 100yrs ago, people took discipline as a way of life but now, people talk like discipline has somehow scarred them for life.

TheRadiatorLady · 23/01/2025 12:50

Bob02 · 23/01/2025 12:48

If he wants to go NC that's up to him. He doesn't need to reply. It's up to @alizea if she follows his very specific instructions. I think his very immature and having a flounce.

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So, she should once again not respect his wishes? That will make matters so much worse.

Contacting someone who has asked you not to is harassment. It's immature to think you know better and keep doing what you want to do everyone else be damned.

Giving him the space he's asked for is more likely to lead to a positive resolution.

Bob02 · 23/01/2025 12:50

Blondiebeachbabe · 23/01/2025 12:47

But that would be nothing new though! The Ex has been in and out of the home consistently, for the past 22 years!

Op's son decided to date his sister's best friend, I assume knowing (unless he's thick), that if they broke up, it would create an awkward dynamic for his sister, but he did it anyway.

Now the inevitable has happened, and he wants to ban Ex from the house she's always been in (under the guise of sisters best friend, for far more years than his girlfriend), even though he doesn't live there anymore and only pops in occasionally! He sounds like a controlling twat.

Now Op is caught in the crossfire, and whatever she does, she pisses someone off, and she didn't even create any of this shit in the first place.

Cue him then moaning to Op about his awful childhood (which it really wasn't), demanding minimal contact, before dropping the Mic and flouncing off into the sunset. Fuck him. I really hope he sees some very under privileged children on his travels, presuming he glances up from his naval often enough to notice.

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He needs to learn that one doesn't shit on their own doorstep.

Twatalert · 23/01/2025 12:51

Bob02 · 23/01/2025 12:40

Realistically, i think you need to be clear that you love him and have always made decisions based on that you thought were in everyone's best interests. That you are human and not infallible. If he feels hurt or less than based on your decisions then you are sorry because that was never your intention.

I don't think he can dictate how often or when you contact him. He can control when he responds. I actually think his being extremely controlling. Also, it's very counterproductive. How can you be supportive or have a relationship without actually contacting him?

Honestly, I think he's a bit of a brat. I think the traveling might help him grow the fuck up.

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Oh my god, no he is not. He said he doesn't want to hear from his parents, unless it is an emergency. This is a boundary and not controlling. If I said this and someone did not respect that I would make sure they cannot actually contact me again.

TheRadiatorLady · 23/01/2025 12:52

Blondiebeachbabe · 23/01/2025 12:47

But that would be nothing new though! The Ex has been in and out of the home consistently, for the past 22 years!

Op's son decided to date his sister's best friend, I assume knowing (unless he's thick), that if they broke up, it would create an awkward dynamic for his sister, but he did it anyway.

Now the inevitable has happened, and he wants to ban Ex from the house she's always been in (under the guise of sisters best friend, for far more years than his girlfriend), even though he doesn't live there anymore and only pops in occasionally! He sounds like a controlling twat.

Now Op is caught in the crossfire, and whatever she does, she pisses someone off, and she didn't even create any of this shit in the first place.

Cue him then moaning to Op about his awful childhood (which it really wasn't), demanding minimal contact, before dropping the Mic and flouncing off into the sunset. Fuck him. I really hope he sees some very under privileged children on his travels, presuming he glances up from his naval often enough to notice.

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So the awkward dynamic matters when it concerns his sister, but not when it affects him?

She could always have just asked the friend not to come over when he was there, and asked her daughter and the ex not to drip poison about the son to her. That would be a fair compromise. I think. The son doesn't have to get it all his way, but not considering him at all doesn't seem smart or empathetic.

AnonymousBleep · 23/01/2025 12:52

Bob02 · 23/01/2025 12:40

Realistically, i think you need to be clear that you love him and have always made decisions based on that you thought were in everyone's best interests. That you are human and not infallible. If he feels hurt or less than based on your decisions then you are sorry because that was never your intention.

I don't think he can dictate how often or when you contact him. He can control when he responds. I actually think his being extremely controlling. Also, it's very counterproductive. How can you be supportive or have a relationship without actually contacting him?

Honestly, I think he's a bit of a brat. I think the traveling might help him grow the fuck up.

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Have you read all the OP's updates?

RedSkyDelights · 23/01/2025 12:52

@Quiinkong
I'm thankful to not have had a neglectful parent who didn't even care if we were breathing or suffered physical abuse

That's such a sad statement. Do you have your own children? Do you think a benchmark of a "good" parent should that they cared you were breathing and didn't physically abuse you?

AnonymousBleep · 23/01/2025 12:53

Blondiebeachbabe · 23/01/2025 12:47

But that would be nothing new though! The Ex has been in and out of the home consistently, for the past 22 years!

Op's son decided to date his sister's best friend, I assume knowing (unless he's thick), that if they broke up, it would create an awkward dynamic for his sister, but he did it anyway.

Now the inevitable has happened, and he wants to ban Ex from the house she's always been in (under the guise of sisters best friend, for far more years than his girlfriend), even though he doesn't live there anymore and only pops in occasionally! He sounds like a controlling twat.

Now Op is caught in the crossfire, and whatever she does, she pisses someone off, and she didn't even create any of this shit in the first place.

Cue him then moaning to Op about his awful childhood (which it really wasn't), demanding minimal contact, before dropping the Mic and flouncing off into the sunset. Fuck him. I really hope he sees some very under privileged children on his travels, presuming he glances up from his naval often enough to notice.

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Wow. Are you DD1?

AnonymousBleep · 23/01/2025 12:56

Quiinkong · 23/01/2025 12:48

This has been happening with my brother over a few years now. During some conversations with him about our mum, he starts talking like he had such a traumatising childhood. I do admit that i feel my mum wasn't too maternal when we were growing up but she gave us the bare necessity. We weren't allowed to go out after school, no pocket money, no birthday or xmas presents etc but where I'm thankful to not have had a neglectful parent who didn't even care if we were breathing or suffered physical abuse, he sees all of it as if some harm had been done to him but the thing is, he only talks like that once a year. Now, we're all close to my mum, we get together as a family, laugh, go on holiday etc but when my mum and him have a disagreement on something, he likes to bring up to me his childhood as a way to criticise her. I've told him several times to be thankful instead of acting like our childhood affected him negatively when we can all see that it hasn't. Could my mum have been a better parent? 100% yes but there are also have parents out there who will allow a new bf to abuse her kids, druggie parents who don't even know if the kids are alive etc. 100yrs ago, people took discipline as a way of life but now, people talk like discipline has somehow scarred them for life.

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Being grateful for not being abused is a very low bar for parenting.

PassingStranger · 23/01/2025 12:56

What is it with these self absorbed selfish offspring who want to cut their parents off.
What is he teaching any future kids he has?
How would he feel if something happened to you and he had said this?
Let him go and don't chase him up and show any hurt that will make him worse.

Twatalert · 23/01/2025 12:57

Bob02 · 23/01/2025 12:48

If he wants to go NC that's up to him. He doesn't need to reply. It's up to @alizea if she follows his very specific instructions. I think his very immature and having a flounce.

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How can people be so deaf. He obviously wants a break from the relationship at the very least and perhaps process things further. Even or especially a mother has no right to intrude. Now is the time to RESPECT the son's boundaries, which have obviously been crossed so many times before because everything revolved about the daughter. There is no other way other than RESPECT THE BOUNDARY if the OP wants any chance of a future relationship. This isn't controlling. it is parents thinking they have the right to access their children no matter what.

I'm not surprised at the amount of adult children going NC looking at the number of parents here who think their children are just brats for making their feelings known and putting in place boundaries. How as a parent can you just walk over it and still think of ways to intrude into their lives. This is abuse.

AnonymousBleep · 23/01/2025 12:58

Bob02 · 23/01/2025 12:50

He needs to learn that one doesn't shit on their own doorstep.

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He's 25, he's an adult. He's not on here moaning about his mum forcing him to see his ex and taking her side in the breakup - it's his mum telling us that and wondering why he wants nothing to do with her. SHE is the one who wants a relationship with him. He doesn't. So he's not 'shitting on his own doorstep' because as things stand, he doesn't consider it his own doorstep.

If his mum wants to fix this, and presumably she does seeing as she's on MN asking for help with this, then telling him he's a spoilt brat who should get over himself/fuck off/it's not his home anyway, is hardly going to achieve this, is it?

TheRadiatorLady · 23/01/2025 12:59

Twatalert · 23/01/2025 12:57

How can people be so deaf. He obviously wants a break from the relationship at the very least and perhaps process things further. Even or especially a mother has no right to intrude. Now is the time to RESPECT the son's boundaries, which have obviously been crossed so many times before because everything revolved about the daughter. There is no other way other than RESPECT THE BOUNDARY if the OP wants any chance of a future relationship. This isn't controlling. it is parents thinking they have the right to access their children no matter what.

I'm not surprised at the amount of adult children going NC looking at the number of parents here who think their children are just brats for making their feelings known and putting in place boundaries. How as a parent can you just walk over it and still think of ways to intrude into their lives. This is abuse.

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Yes, if an ex-partner or friend kept contacting you when you asked them not to, they'd be rightly branded a stalker. It's no different because you gave birth to them, how can people not see that?

Namechangean · 23/01/2025 12:59

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/01/2025 12:19

Mmm... what I thought really!

He has the benefit of hindsight over his childhood that you couldn't possibly have had even if he hadn't been your first child.

You make decisions based on the information you have at the time and with the best intentions, like giving someone else a bigger room based on the stuff they have and how they use that room.

You can't go back in time and make these things fair, you can't be in three places at once if there are only two of you, or go and set lower expectations for him once you are onto kid three and realise the higher expectations were a bit unrealistic, or go back and treat a 15 year old boy like he is an 8 year old girl...

I'd ask him what he thinks you should have done in some of those situations? Not attended DD's nativity or piano exam, when you did attend his? Left an 8 year old to walk home alone?

It is very easy to say 'you should have done differently, you shouldn't have done x or y or z' but if he can't say 'you should have done a or b' and have those be practical suggestions... he really needs to get over himself!

As far as the ex girlfriend is concerned... I don't think you should be banning from your house and your DD's home, a friend she has had from being a toddler. Your DD lives there. Your DS does not. He really cannot dictate who visits the house he doesn't live in, and hasn't for some time!

He’s allowed to have feelings, he doesn’t need to come up with solutions for them to be valid. OP could behave this way and ignore the hurt her son had experienced because she is able to justify her actions, but then she loses a good and close relationship with her son.

It’s ok to take accountability if you have caused harm, even if you didn’t intend to. OP is going to be bias for herself, but even from her narration you can see why he has never felt prioritised. And that’s just sad for him, he wasn’t abused, but feeling loved is so important.

Apologising now, especially for prioritising DD again by not putting in boundaries around ex, will mean that he feels validated and hopefully means when he comes back he can move on from all of this and they can have a good relationship going forward.

Onlycoffee · 23/01/2025 13:04

alizea · 23/01/2025 11:10

We will have a conversation tonight, perhaps banning the friend is the right choice I just know DD is going to kick off, call us enablers/victim blaming etc etc, tell us we are destroying what little social life she has.

DS messaged not long ago. He gave us his flight details and the phone number of the girl he is travelling with stipulating that if he hasn't posted on instagram in a week and we have tried to message him once and not received a reply in 3 days we can use that incase he has lost his phone or similar but under no other circumstances (barring family emergency) to contact him.

Are you scared of DD? Is her kicking off worse than having no contact with your son?

outerspacepotato · 23/01/2025 13:05

It's his family home. He should feel welcome and support there.

But there's Daughter 1 shit talking him to his own family who won't shut her down and his ex happily ensconced.

No wonder he only goes twice a year and has now told his parents to not contact him unless there's a true emergency. He's out and I would not be surprised that unless OP takes time for therapy to see how she's enabled her daughter and her bestie and puts some boundaries in place, there's a permanent rift. She won't meet his GFs, his future children or be a loving presence in his life.

I'd call that a failure as a parent.

Onlycoffee · 23/01/2025 13:07

Blondiebeachbabe · 23/01/2025 12:02

Op has known the sons Ex since she was 3 years old. She no doubt is close with her parents too. Can you imagine saying "I know we haven't argued, and I know you are best friends with my daughter, but now you aren't with my son any more, I am banning you from our house forever".......impossible situation to navigate, none of which is Op's fault.

It does sound impossible, torn between what is best for ds, dd and exgf.
Reminds me of when one DD had a piano exam, one had a nativity play and ds had sports event.

Op chose against ds then, and is still choosing against him now.

outerspacepotato · 23/01/2025 13:21

Asking ex not to come to the house was not at all impossible.

As a parent, she could have dealt with an awkward situation by telling ex she would appreciate her not coming around the house and that she would need to see Daughter 1 outside the home for at least some time.

But OP didn't put her son's feelings first because she was afraid of her daughter's reaction to a reasonable request.

Agapornis · 23/01/2025 13:29

DD1 sounds like a twat, not surprised she has few friends, I wouldn't want to be friends with her either.

Harassedevictee · 23/01/2025 13:32

alizea · 23/01/2025 06:18

In terms of the break up it was very messy, his ex is our DDs best friend and has been in our life since she was 3 years old. They had been together for 3 years but in that time we actually seen his girlfriend than him as she would often come home to see her parents etc. over the weekend.
The break up had accusations of all sorts, and his ex was still in and out of our house (still is) as DD lives here and they are still close friends.

So your son didn’t even have a refuge in his home where he could guarantee that he would not see his ex.

This was prioritising your DDs friendship over your DS who was going through a tough time. You and your DD could have shown some empathy and met her friend elsewhere.

porridgebath · 23/01/2025 13:35

alizea · 23/01/2025 11:10

We will have a conversation tonight, perhaps banning the friend is the right choice I just know DD is going to kick off, call us enablers/victim blaming etc etc, tell us we are destroying what little social life she has.

DS messaged not long ago. He gave us his flight details and the phone number of the girl he is travelling with stipulating that if he hasn't posted on instagram in a week and we have tried to message him once and not received a reply in 3 days we can use that incase he has lost his phone or similar but under no other circumstances (barring family emergency) to contact him.

Fair enough. Leave him be.

DD can see her friend whenever she likes OUTSIDE your house.

Bloom15 · 23/01/2025 13:36

Porcuporpoise · 23/01/2025 06:39

The more you post @alizea , the more I think your son may have a point about the favouritism.

Indeed - even the ex.

I feel sorry for the DS.

AnonymousBleep · 23/01/2025 13:42

@alizea 'We will have a conversation tonight, perhaps banning the friend is the right choice I just know DD is going to kick off, call us enablers/victim blaming etc etc, tell us we are destroying what little social life she has.'

This comment from you about the enabling/victim-blaming - does your DD mean you'd be 'enabling' your son by saying her friend/his ex can't come round, and that you're 'victim-blaming' as in the ex is a victim of your son? Why are you allowing this narrative under your roof? You've just gone along with your daughter framing him as the villain in the breakup even though you know that's not true. Why did you even have to come on here and ask why your son doesn't want anything to do with you - isn't OBVIOUS?

You have a massive DD1 problem. Yes there is a spoilt brat in your home. It's not your son. She's obviously horrifically jealous of him and puts the boot in whenever she can.