DS doesn’t want us to contact him while he is travelling

[alizea]

DS has recently turned 25, he has a degree, was working in a good job and doing some sports coaching on the side. He was in a fairly cheap flat share so able to save good money.

In September he announced he was taking 3 months off work (approved sabbatical apparently) and going to Australia and New Zealand to clear his head. He had a nasty break up at the start of last year and was devastated so we obviously supported him and he has lots of savings plus a lump sum from the death of my sister who left an amount to all her nieces and nephews.

Anyway, he came home just before Christmas, seemed normal and was talking about going back to work etc. He has now decided to quit his job, and he is heading to Thailand next week. He has told us he will be travelling with a girl he met while in Australia, very cagey about giving us any info on her, other than she's 22 and "not British or Aussie or that". Obviously we are worried and this is out of character but he's an adult.

Well tonight he sat us down and basically said he needs space from us, I asked why and he said he feels like we were neglectful of him when he was a child and favoured his sisters and as an adult haven't been supportive, especially during his break up. I got very upset as this really took me by surprise and I asked him over and over how we can make things better and apologised for failing him in anyway. He has asked us not to contact him while he is travelling, he said he doesn't know his full plans yet but unlikely he will be home before the end of the year. He said he plans to spend some time in South East Asia and East Asia through the end of spring, then summer in Europe, then Autumn and Early Winter in South America and Central America.
He has said he may visit in the summer as the girl he is travelling with has never been to London and would like to but plans are flexible and we shouldn't expect anything. He has requested we don't call or message him but we can continue following him on Instagram.

I don't really know what to do, the thought of him travelling and being unable to check in makes me so nervous and I'm really concerned about this somewhat sudden revelation about us not being great parents to him, I've always tried my best and I never ever wanted to let him down.

AIBU to be concerned? He said we can message him with questions etc. until he leaves but then nothing. Im such a mix of worry, upset and fear that I don't know what to do.

You didn't have his back. Our Parent's are supposed to. You should have shut your DD down and her friend not come to the house until time had passed.
You should have prioritised the two exam/prize givings over a nativity. 12/13 can be difficult ages for a young person. Under 9, not so much. You got that wrong and I wonder when you've been asked how you've put it to him. There's a tinge of arrogance in your writing. You seem to have given your DD a lot of power in the house, after the split. Why the hell it felt odd to choose your son over a random girl would be beyond anyone's understanding. It sounds as though you let your DD shit stir he doesn't want that while he's away. You follow him on his social media and tell your DD you don't need her input.
These will be the big stuff, but there's probably little things that has eaten away at him. He sounds exceptional and you've completely undervalued him.

@TheRadiatorLady emotional neglect is just a fancy term for emotional abuse. They are the same. You cannot emotionally neglect a child without emotionally abusing it.

I would say it's an absolute no no. One of ds's closest friends dated the sister of another close friend. When things eventually fell apart, there was a lot of animosity on all sides (long story). Interestingly the sister made out to the parents that she was the victim and it's really damaged the boy's relationship with his parents. He is now living on his own in a bedsit :(.

I see what you're saying, and of course it can be, but I don't think it was abuse in my own case, but I don't really want to get into the ins and outs on someone else's thread.

I think that’s great and will hopefully go some way to diffusing the situation in the longer term. It is hard to apologise sometimes but regardless of the rights and wrongs I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Also at 25 I think you know enough about the girl he is travelling with (even if a lot is second hard from DD and Instagram). I don’t think there is anything alarming that stands out from the extra info you’ve gleaned so I would try not to worry on that front. I think with the apology and your respectful support going forwards he’ll come back to you.

Yes, our friend has us treating us with kid gloves. She is always letting us down, then posting on her FB that she’s been out clubbing, out for dinner, pictures of her in a gang of girls laughing and smiling.

I’m not saying she doesn’t have it, just that it is very selective.

Many of us have anxiety. We just have to push through it. I work with someone and she physically shakes with anxiety, but she’s never had a day off work in 2 years.

I think he is entitled to soace as he is an adult. Can you ask him if he can keep someone updated or at least send a text once a month. So there is a communication line there if something hapens either side. But 3 months isnt a long time tbh. If he is a capable person all should be fine.

Your DD1 is the problem. Why the hell did you allow her to mouth off about your DS's ex? You should have shut that down and installed some appropriate boundaries. You've basically heard gossip about your DS third hand and used that to question what he has told you directly. You are allowing your DD to get away with manipulative shit stirring behaviour whilst making excuses about her neediness and how your are resigned to it's just how she is. I have a DB who was also the difficult middle child and he's now 50 and still shit stirring whilst my mum enables him and excuses his dreadful behaviour. I have no relationship with him and neither does my other DB and a very strained relationship with my mum.

I get this too. Genuinely worked so hard to give my Son the best that I could, moved to a lovely area when he was young, which was hard financially but had a great school. Lovely doting grandparents, holidays 3 x a year, skiing, Caribbean, his own bedroom with en-suite. He did real good, went to a top university, got a phd. Honestly thought I had done ok, only to be told by him that he is now in therapy cos he had an awful childhood. Flabbergasted!!

What was it about his childhood he needs therapy for? I’m sure it’s not the holidays and the school choice.

He had all the material things. You said nothing about how you provided for him emotionally and on a human level.

That's all material stuff though, right? It's not always the material stuff that makes or breaks a childhood.

We will have a conversation tonight, perhaps banning the friend is the right choice I just know DD is going to kick off, call us enablers/victim blaming etc etc, tell us we are destroying what little social life she has.

DS messaged not long ago. He gave us his flight details and the phone number of the girl he is travelling with stipulating that if he hasn't posted on instagram in a week and we have tried to message him once and not received a reply in 3 days we can use that incase he has lost his phone or similar but under no other circumstances (barring family emergency) to contact him.

It does sound like the OP's DD1 is the cuckoo in the nest who's succeeded in getting her (clever, good-looking, sporty) brother pushed right out. Meanwhile she uses her 'social anxiety' to keep her parents dancing to her tune. They'll still be supporting her financially when she's 50.

From his pov your eldest DD is going to get in your ear again and you aren't going to shut her down. He doesn't need this bullshit and the pair of you need to grow up. There's many a post on here how after getting married the DH tries with his parents, but his sister gets away with being insulting and obnoxious, so they vow to never spend another Christmas etc there again. You're picking her over your son and future grandchildren.

Yes I agree OP your childhood sounds a bit similar to mine but the original OP’s description of 5 beds, piano lessons, parents attendance at nativities etc., didn’t demonstrate a ‘better’ childhood to me. Those are trappings, and an awful lot of love or neglect can exist in both scenarios. That said I’m also sorry you didn’t have a supportive childhood. Mine was complicated to say the least and I do empathise.

This is literally what the Stately Homes thread is about on here - children of parents who provided for them materially but not emotionally, and when called out on this would say something like 'I couldn't have been a bad parent because I took you to stately homes/put you in private school/took you skiing!'

There's no way he's going to let you know anything about his girlfriend ATM because all he sees is his sisters and ex constantly laughing at him behind his back and his parents silently nodding along.

He won't feel comfortable being vulnerable with your family as there's no incentive for him to have any of you involved in his life. He's already financially and emotionally independent. Was an independent child while you ran around after his sisters from his experience. He's a good student and worker, a conscientious saver, has exciting future plans, he has a supportive network outside of your family.

He probably feels his life is actually better off limiting involvement because instead of ongoing doubt and embarrassment caused by your lack of support and gossiping he feels more confident and supported by others outside your family. Once your kids are adults it's not about what you think you're entitled to it's about what they feel comfortable sharing. You can't force anything. Without any bond of love or trust there's nothing there.

That's for you and your DH, not anyone else. You don't need to share that.

Has your son's ex ever communicated her feelings to you directly on the relationship breakup and how she feels he treated her?

Is this all coming from your daughter? She sounds really emotionally manipulative.

No point in banning her now. DS has flown off. But a conversation about her respecting DS and his right to not have an ex in the house is definitely in order.
DS has given the instructions so just follow them (hope you sent the prior message apologising though). And work on what you will do when he returns

@Butchyrestingface

She expressed before the break up actually happened that he wasn't spending any time with her, this was while he was studying for his first CFA exam. At the time he did coaching 6-8pm 2 nights a week, then studied until gone 11. 2 nights he studied straight from work until 10/11. On Fridays they'd have a date night and spend Saturday until 2/3 with her then study again. Sunday he coached, 10-2, studied in the afternoon then went to hers to order a takeaway and spend the evening. We haven't heard anything else from her directly.

OP - this is shocking tbh. You sound like you're slightly scared of your DD. Why is she ruling the roost in your house like this? It's becoming very, very clear that she is directly responsible for pushing her brother out. I've seen this dynamic before in my own family and it will end with both the other two siblings estranged from you, while you run around appeasing your DD1 for the rest of your life. Don't expect support from any of them at such a time when you might need it. OK so I am projecting a little here...but that's certainly one possible outcome, if you don't stop prioritising your DD1 at the expense of your other children. The problem is, it doesn't sound like you're capable of doing this.

Wow. You sound grossly manipulative.

At the end of the day, if he came on here and listed his upsets I bet a lot of people would cry to go NC! He’s 25. He’s fine. I’m 25 and I live alone, my parents don’t know about my life unless they ask. It’s not their business anymore.

Yes, this happened in my family too. My two (very manipulative) brothers were always prioritised and I do think that;'s because my parents were a bit fearful of them, so my sister and I have withdrawn a lot as a result.