Friends DC & OnlyFans

[Clorrien]

I’m feeling really conflicted and unsure what to do.
A few days ago DD (20) and I had a conversation about the likes of BonnieBlue and Lily Phillips. Mostly talking about how exploitative the porn industry is.
Anyway during the conversation she told me, someone we know has a “popular” onlyfans account. She then went on to tell me it is the daughter of one of my closest friends. The girl in question is 22. DD says she only knows as there is a link in one of her social media bios and a few of them who know her have spoken about it. I’m shocked tbh, this girl is beautiful, extremely intelligent (she got a full ride scholarship for a top US uni), and always seemed very well adjusted. Her family are very normal as well, parents very loving, not bad off financially so she has never wanted for anything. Apparently she uses a pseudonym but that seems beside the point.

Anyway, this girls mum and I talk most days and I’m finding it hard to not tell her, I doubt she knows and if it were my DD I’d want to know so I could protect her.

WIBU to tell my friend? Or is it none of my business.

I don't know about the circles you move in, but in my family and friends group it would be unimaginable that any of them thought sex work was a valid career choice and not something to be desperately ashamed of.

I'm thinking of sitting around the table at Christmas when my adult children and their cousins were talking about their career choices and advising the ones who were still at university, no one suggested that prostitution would be a choice, and would be as valid as say civil service fast track or financial services grad scheme.

Despite people saying they have no issues with porn or prostitution, I really find it impossible to believe any decent parent would be unbothered if their daughter told them she was having sex on camera for money.

I would investigate the extent of it and then talk to her about it. I would earnestly encourage her to stop, and explain why and try to erase as much as possible. I don't think healthy well adjusted people would do this, if my daughter was doing it to me it would be symptom I've missed of some serious problem. Of course I would want to know and and try and stop it before it got worse and caused more harm or went beyond a point of no return.

ETA: its my responsibility to protect my daughter. My response would be very similar to that if she was planning to sell a kidney.

I would 100% tell her. Fuck being 'cool' this girl is potentially throwing her life away.

I decided to message friend and let her know, like others said , if it was my DD I would want to know.

Friend has replied with “thank you but I already know”.

I'm sorry for your friend. She probably feels scared she'd "lose" her daughter if she pushes it so is pretending to be cool. What a waste.

I think you did the right thing. Now you never have to mention it again and can carry on as you were ♥️

Someone I went through school with from the age of 3 was into glamour shots and then went into locally made porn movies. She posted some of the most 'tasteful' (only boobs showing in little bits) on her Facebook and had a Facebook under her pseudonym that her mother, sister and other family was also friends with and interacted with the profile. If you googled the name all sorts were found and still are)

(what really creeps me out is that she's gone on to name her daughter the first part of her pseudonym...)

It might be that they already know!

Well she’s not using OF to arrange this. You get banned for any kind of solicitation on there. Any kind of address swap flags up.

I was about to post saying I'd tell my closest friend simply because we talk about everything. As long as it's not judgemental and without commentary I think it was fine to tell her.

And she already knows, so end of conversation unless she ever wants to talk about it.

The girl in question is 22

Stop. Infantilising. Adult. Women. She's not a little girl ffs.

if it were my DD I’d want to know so I could protect her

You might well want to know, but you wouldn't be entitled to know.

Adults are allowed to do whatever they want with their own bodies and they are completely entitled to have their own sexual interests, regardless of whether money is involved or not. It's OnlyFans, so presumably she is in control of her own account and she decides what she does and doesn't do with it. She isn't being pimped out or controlled or trafficked. For all you know, she might be someone who gets off on being watched by strangers - plenty of people do, and there's nothing wrong with it if that's what lights their candle and they don't need 'protecting' from their own sexuality. Or maybe to her it's just something she's simply happy to do for the money - and that is also something she doesn't need protecting from.

It is not the place of anyone's mother to 'protect' a daughter from personal, independent choices about their sexual activity about which the mother happens to disapprove or disagree with. Just because your friend is her mother, that doesn't mean this adult woman is a stupid naive child who can't make her own informed decisions.

This absolutely none of your bloody business and you need to stop obsessing over the personal sexual choices of adults, choices they are entitled to make and which affect you in no way whatsoever.

Wow 🤣🤣

It's so clear from responses like this that so many people on MN have such a dated view of sex work and women's sexuality in the digital age.

That was a quick turn around...

You did the right thing.
All you can do now is offer support if it's ever wanted.

So you think a good, decent normal man looking for a potential partner or wife would be entirely happy to date a woman who had done/does sex work on camera?!!

They wouldn't.

Well I am on the fence here. I don’t believe that women who are doing this out of their own free will and feel confident enough to to it should be shamed in to thinking they’re dirty and that it’s despicable or unimaginable. If I found out that my own DD was doing it, it would probably make me uncomfortable of sorts but as long as she was safe I wouldn’t necessarily dream of making her feel disgusting.

in this scenario, telling her mum is shaming her and can possibly lead to conflict between that mum and daughter where the more pressure she receives from her friends, she can easily start more arguments and strains in the relationship between them

I think some of the posters on here are quite naive and I wonder if they’d be giving the same advice for you to keep out of it etc if it were their daughter. She’s only 22! Who of us didn’t make decisions we regret from that age?! My views might be different if she was an older more worldly wise woman but…

Unfortunately (and unfairly but that’s life) there are risks to being involved with OF. Firstly, there is a risk of stalkers/unwanted attention. Also unwanted attention like @User09678 mentioned which could affect any future kids if she has them. It’s is also a reputational risk if she ever wants ti work in a professional environment, work with kids etc. Totally hypocritical but, I used to work in a corporate environment years ago. One of my female colleagues had worked as an escort in a prior life, may not even have had sex with the clients. She was constantly whispered about by the staff and I really feel for her as it probably unfairly held her back in her career. Especially unfair as I’m sure a lot of my male colleagues were patrons of the sex industry-one rule for them etc.
Finally, there are arguments that the sec industry is exploitative and a lot of people involved in it (even if this DD is willing) do
not have free choice to be involved.

To answer OP’s question, what would you want if it were your DD? I would do that. It’s possible it may damage the friendship but hopefully not so long as you handle it sensitively

Well that's you told 😂😂

Now you can stop judging worrying but I'm guessing you'll carry on anyway.

I'm not surprised she already knew. And I think it tells you what she thinks of your support as a friend that she hasn't talked to you about it.

"Sex work", wait until your daughter is expected to give blowjobs to pay for healthcare. Careful what you want to normalise.

I'm far too familiar with sexuality in the digital age. It's the most depressing unerotic shitshow going. Young people need to recover their pornsick brains and rewild sex so they they get a chance to actually enjoy it.

If anyone is worried about the choices here, there is a great Caleb Hammer episode about a really successful OF model and streamer, how she’s invested and what her plans are to retire/exit the industry. I had a roommate once who was a stripper and wanted to quit but hadn’t saved a penny and was used to unlimited funds. Much better to save and invest!

She's embarrassed! I would be too, I would be distraught that I had failed my baby to that extent. I wouldn't be falling over myself to share it.

If I found out that my own DD was doing it, it would probably make me uncomfortable of sorts but as long as she was safe I wouldn’t necessarily dream of making her feel disgusting.
Nobody having sex for money is safe. There are psychological impacts, STD risks, risk of violence from the punter, risk of online stalkers, risk of removing long-term work opportunities, risk of future blackmail when you try to leave... the likelihood of harm drastically exceeds the possibility of no harm.

74% of sex workers have faced violence in their work, and women are 18 times more likely to be murdered if they engage in prostitution: https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/64627/pdf.
It is not tolerant to encourage normalisation of sex work, it is dangerous. It has nothing to do with "disgusting" and everything to do with basic safety. Your DD would not be able to do this and be safe, because it is simply NOT safe.

Wow, no blame on the boys, lots of blame on women trying to make money to provide for their kids.

Any views on the husbands and fathers that either weren't providing enough or condoned "the mothers" behaviour.

This may come as a shock to you, but it's not every woman's ultimate goal to settle down with a judgemental/close-minded man. Besides, you only need to read through MN to see how many supposedly 'decent' (what does that even mean) men have turned out to be cheats, liars, and abusers.

This young woman sounds like she is on her way to being financially independent and good for her.