Making a slight bag rustling sound in a fast food restaurant

[Augustinian]

My DH and I are on holiday. We were doing some shopping and fancied a break so stopped at a fast food restaurant as it was the easiest option (this is a busy spot). This country is his favourite country by the way, he wants to live here (we live in the UK). So we sat down, it’s busy but not quite full and we find a table. On one side is a man sitting on his own using his phone. While we wait for our food, I begin to take out a phone bag I had purchased as we are constantly having to use our phones for the train and I don’t have good pockets so it’s been quite a hassle getting it in and out. I want to get it ready for the journey home. The plastic shopping bag is making a slight rustling sound as I rummage around in it. The fast food place is full of chatting people, people unwrapping their food, etc, not exactly a museum or library atmosphere. As I’m reaching into the shopping bag to put the rubbish from the bag in it after unwrapping the phone bag, the bag rustles again. He gives me and then the bag a disgusted nasty look. He’s not a confrontational person so I’ve learned to read his facial expressions quite well after being married 10 years, and this one was clearly ‘you’re being loud and annoying and embarrassing me in front of my favourite country’s people by making too much noise’. I got pretty pissed about this (not loudly, I moved away from him to an empty seat and ate on my own). I have refused to travel back with him to the hotel and told him I won’t go back with him so to just finish his meal and leave. I’m now sat here wondering if I’ve over reacted but it really pissed me off. I do realise this is not a massive deal but it just made me feel a bit shit.

@Peachy2005 precisely this. That’s exactly what the look says.

And yes it was Mos Burger, I’ve lost who it was who got that right 😆

ODFOD

Again - how are people so bad at inference/ using context clues?

They'd been shopping. OP had bought a phone bag. She wanted to get it out and ready to start using for the journey home. When you buy something it usually comes in a shopping bag/ packaging of some sort. That packaging will rustle or otherwise make a slight noise when you're taking your purchase (in this case a 'phone bag') out of it.

I'm worried that you could be in a coercively controlling relationship.

It's not normal for someone to get very angry about a bag rustling. I believe that you have reason to react strongly to his nasty, silent looks based on previous behaviour from him. I would suggest you do the Freedom Programme to see if it resonates

Ah I see, thank you.

Sone noises drive people mad - that's just how it is. Yes some situations can stress people so that an irritating noise becomes utterly unbearable

He didn't actually make a stink about it but his emotions showed on his face and that was enough to make you throw a complete strop?

Heaven help that he has his own emotions

Was he scared to say how he was feeling ? Was he scared to ask you to stop making a noise that was distressing him?

I've read all of your posts and with each one, all I keep thinking is "Why are you with him?"

You deserve better than this.

Communication between you both is very poor. You need to improve this otherwise it seems like you live your relationship out in mime.

It sounds like a positive step forward @Augustinian - I hope you can have a good conversation later today and get everything out on the table, so to speak. Good luck!

It sounds like he's got you so well trained you are constantly watching his face to check for disapproval, and modify your behaviour straight away while feeling bad yourself. This is not normal or healthy.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf

It seems ironic that he is so sensitive to the Japanese culture (that isn’t even his) that he assumed your actions might offend, when you actually are Japanese!

He was being a knob and I’m glad to hear he has apologised.

You are not the problem, other than perhaps by pandering to him.

You are not a small child who needs constant monitoring and correcting.

If you remain in this relationship your self-esteem, mental health and physical health will all suffer. Your relationships should build you up and support you. It doesn't really matter whether he's acting from trauma or neuro divergent behaviour - it's not inevitable that ND people can't be in healthy relationships, and your situation has to stop.

It does sound for the best that he doesn't have children, but you don't need to join him.

Pop over to the neurodivergent mumsnetters area to hear from people who understand this area.

My first thought was MASSIVE overreaction and teen strop right there. The translation of one look into an entire speech!!

Then I considered the fact you've been married ten years and learned to read the expressions.

There's a thing around 'she divorced me over crumbs by the microwave!?!' when it so obviously wasn't the crumbs.

I'm taking it that in that time you've had countless incidents of The Look. Criticism. Pensive disappointment. Not good enough. Letting me down.

And that this was the tip of the iceberg. The last fecking straw.

I can see how this might then tip you over the edge.

Look into the future. If you stay together, this will get worse. He'll sink further into Victor Meldrew mode, getting worse as he gets older. And you'll be staring at him as menopause kicks in, wondering if a jury would convict you.

Do you want change? Do you actually discuss this? Ask him to use his words, to listen to you, etc?

What a curious situation, I missed that you are Japanese. Coupled with his obsession about living in Japan (& presumably Japanese culture) does he have an expectation of you being submissive given it's how Japanese women are often portrayed in western media? Makes my skin crawl - I mean it's basically fetishised among certain types which I'm sure you're miserably aware of.

I do believe you when you say he's passive agressive in what kinda looks like controlling behaviour, I don't think you've made it up at all, not from your first post.

My DH does similar with getting a face on about things rather than vocalising what's bothering him & it drives me mad. It feels like you're driven to having an outburst & looking like the crazy one. Sounds like he's prepared to work on this, though, so fingers crossed it works out :)

:-D It was me !

We went to a couple in our holiday. once I tried to order a drink for my kid as my husband had forgotten and ended up with the most gigantic pepsi in the word Hilarious, bigger than her head!

Its a fast food place, not a cinema. Surely rustling bags is the norm.

So you would have caused a scare (as opposed to having a conversation)?

I think that was implicit from the very first reply. Frankly, I’m surprised 13% thought YWNBU

"he's extremely passive aggressive"

Oh dear. Sorry, but I couldn't tolerate being married to someone like that at all.

She has been a very good friend in other ways. It's her sheer intolerance of anyone and anything that dares to make a noise or annoy her in any way that gets to me..I actually feel anxious when I see her giving people filthy looks, it's the negativity, it's draining.. I barely meet up with her anymore really, I'm trying a kind of slow fade as I just can't deal with how she acts anymore.

I think you have bigger issues than rustling bags

Mate.. are you ok?? Sounds like you just don't like the man and want rid

It is really hard to explain things like this to people who have not been in a similar situation. I have a family member who is quite abusive towards me and sometimes they cast this look of disgust at me, a kind of critical and judgemental look; or they will speak to me with this tone of annoyance. I guess it's quite clever because if you were to complain it would elicit the kind of comments that you have received on here, OP - that it's all in your head, that you are being ott. I suppose it's a form of gaslighting. They know what will push your buttons and when those buttons are pushed you come off as the unreasonable one. Dealing with this is like constantly treading on eggshells because you have to be hyper vigilant to avoid them pushing your buttons so that you don't react.

I’ve read your updates. Do you think you would both be happier without each other, or (excepting incidents like this) do you feel you generally fit together well, albeit in a slightly dysfunctional way?