Making a slight bag rustling sound in a fast food restaurant

[Augustinian]

My DH and I are on holiday. We were doing some shopping and fancied a break so stopped at a fast food restaurant as it was the easiest option (this is a busy spot). This country is his favourite country by the way, he wants to live here (we live in the UK). So we sat down, it’s busy but not quite full and we find a table. On one side is a man sitting on his own using his phone. While we wait for our food, I begin to take out a phone bag I had purchased as we are constantly having to use our phones for the train and I don’t have good pockets so it’s been quite a hassle getting it in and out. I want to get it ready for the journey home. The plastic shopping bag is making a slight rustling sound as I rummage around in it. The fast food place is full of chatting people, people unwrapping their food, etc, not exactly a museum or library atmosphere. As I’m reaching into the shopping bag to put the rubbish from the bag in it after unwrapping the phone bag, the bag rustles again. He gives me and then the bag a disgusted nasty look. He’s not a confrontational person so I’ve learned to read his facial expressions quite well after being married 10 years, and this one was clearly ‘you’re being loud and annoying and embarrassing me in front of my favourite country’s people by making too much noise’. I got pretty pissed about this (not loudly, I moved away from him to an empty seat and ate on my own). I have refused to travel back with him to the hotel and told him I won’t go back with him so to just finish his meal and leave. I’m now sat here wondering if I’ve over reacted but it really pissed me off. I do realise this is not a massive deal but it just made me feel a bit shit.

I’m gonna go a bit against the grain and say yanbu. Some people who are in relationships with passive aggressive yet controlling people have learned to read facial expressions extremely well. If this happens regularly, that he tries to silence you with disapproving looks, I’d be re evaluating this relationship.

‘you’re being loud and annoying and embarrassing me in front of my favourite country’s people by making too much noise’.…his eyelid seemed to say

Just to add to my post OP most of this thread is an absolute essay on what people don’t understand about coercive control and emotional abuse. You’ve been very clear about the dynamic of your relationship and basically how you’ve spent the whole day (the whole relationship, really) managing his hostility towards you, and people on here are so rude and ignorant. These sorts of attitudes contribute to why people stay in abusive relationships and are gaslit by society into thinking they are the ones in the wrong. I hate mumsnet sometimes.

He's right. Loud rustling is very annoying.

I’m going against the grain here and I feel like you’re absolutely not overreacting. This isn’t just about the plastic bag - it’s about the dynamic of shame, judgement, and control that played out in that moment. The disgusted look he gave you wasn’t just a reaction; it was a passive-aggressive way to express disapproval while giving himself plausible deniability. He didn’t say anything outright, so if you’d asked him what was wrong, I’m willing to bet he’d have said something along the lines of, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.” That kind of response is classic manipulation - it shifts the burden onto you to figure out what he’s upset about, while he avoids taking any responsibility for his behaviour.

This is veering into gaslighting territory. By using body language to shame you instead of addressing things directly, he can later deny he was upset at all or dismiss your feelings as an overreaction. It’s designed to leave you questioning yourself - was the look as bad as it seemed? Are you making a big deal out of nothing? But the truth is, his behaviour made you feel humiliated, and your feelings about that are entirely valid.

What’s especially troubling is that his reaction seems to have been driven by embarrassment over how he thinks strangers in his favourite country might perceive him—more than by any real consideration for you. He prioritised his own image over being kind and supportive, and instead of communicating, he resorted to silent judgement that made you feel small and self-conscious.

You deserve a partner who communicates openly and respectfully, not one who hides behind passive-aggressive gestures and leaves you second-guessing yourself. Trust your instincts here - this may seem like a small incident on the surface, but it reflects a bigger issue with how he handles conflict and treats you. It’s worth addressing, because you deserve to feel respected and valued in your relationship.

You have no idea what he was thinking as he didn't actually say anything.

Why would you assume it was the rustling sound and not anything else such as instead of enjoying the food you were faffing around?

You've made up an entire imaginary scene in your head and then completely over reacted!

I can't see your relationship lasting is that's how you carry on.

Extremely weird thought process and behaviour.

I have Adhd, only diagnosed in adulthood. My husband most likely is on the autistic spectrum, his mum definitely is. Our traits can clash which can result in upset/overwhelm/meltdown but we absolutely love each other so try our best to approach disagreement from a place of curiosity. For example, the big light being on is too much for me after working in a very stimulating environment all day. I need soft lighting and quiet time to decompress. He used to think the light was just preferable,I had to explain that it actually gets me agitated and I cannot relax to enjoy our night together etc so now he's more mindful of it. There's lots of little things like that, that we have worked out together over the years. It's been difficult because similar to your husband he doesn't express himself well and is non confrontational but he's got so much better at this and so have I. Neurodiverse relationships can be tricky but if you love each other and communicate/ give space when needed then it can work. We are closer than ever and mostly avoid any upset now but my young adult children lovingly say it's like the disabled Olympics sometimes with our traits bouncing off of each other lol Christmas is always a challenge because we host family for dinner and it's busy, noisy and overwhelming but we have each other's backs and get through it because it's lovely seeing everyone together. Good luck Op.

I have a 'Look' which I used to use when my dc were misbehaving. They instantly recognised it and being well trained immediately stopped misbehaving. No need for shouting or smacking! Of course I have no need for that anymore as dc are all grown up but I do think one of my dd's should learn it as her dc run rings around her.

Eek, I think you overreacted whether he said it out loud or not. Even if he said, you are being loud, you overreacted.
I would not want to set a precedent in a marriage that for every small inconvenience/disagreement/difference in noise tolerance one person can up and leavvvve???
What if My husband was irritated at me? Can he just refuse to take me home/travel with me/share a taxi??

Marriage guidance counsellor - 'And why are we here today?'

Op - 'We were on holiday and I rustled a bag and he got the raving hump about it so I mad a massive drama about it!'

Husband - 'We sat down to eat and I slightly pulled my face as I had wind and then she went bonkers and went off on one.'

This

Yes you over reacted.

If you’re in a different county things maybe not generally socially accepted, ie talking on a phone on a train in Japan. Rustling bags in a fast food outlet seems minor but your over reaction I wonder if there have been other instances?

Even if you were making a small noise and your husband (or any other person) indicated that you were being too loud, you should have said: "Oh, I'm sorry", before stopping the noise.

It's a bit like offending someone when it was not your intention; you say sorry and don't repeat.

People are allowed to call a sound too loud or too embarrassing. Your husband should have just spoken but then you could have been more embarrassed as people would have heard him.

You have over reacted. Polite public decorum is what most adults employ.

My guess would be his behaviour isn’t a one off and it’s a form of control. He wants to control not only what you do, how you behave but how you both present to the rest of the world, probably as the perfect couple.

Very good idea for him to move to his favourite country. Just don’t go with him.

There is a massive back story here.

The 86% current vote of "You are being unreasonable" isn't giving you any indication? :(

There we go ^

Yes YABU, many people struggle to control facial expressions, especially with someone they're comfortable with. People can also read facial expressions wrong. You've gone off on one over your perception of what he was thinking. Even of he was annoyed, so what? We all get annoyed with other people, it's how we act on it that matters.

So this was the straw that broke the camels back. You clearly didn’t over react. You put in a boundary to say that he’d finally overstepped with his weird antics, which has resulted in him acknowledging that he has issues, and now together you will be working on improving things.

It sounds a good result to me and it looks like you reacting like you did was a good thing overall.

I hope that now it’s in the open, you can communicate more directly and you can quickly remind him he’s being weird by saying something simple like “ you are pulling that face again. Please stop”, and that he will respond more appropriately by either realising he’s over reacting or by using his words (either in the moment or later on when the time is better).

You were right to confront the issue head on. Continue to communicate better.

Anything is 'made up' if other posters have never experienced it themselves

They can't imagine outside their own lives

I suggest some counselling either as a couple or individually, because it wasn't so much the over reaction as the suppressing your annoyance at his expression in order to avoid conflict. I sometimes wonder if people stay in possibly toxic relationships because of a sunk cost fallacy. Are you both moody and conflict avoidant or is he constantly giving you the silent treatment? Your dynamic isn't weird so much as it is unhealthy.

Yeah that's the 86% that haven't bothered to read beyond the first post or engage their brains to wonder if there might be more going on.

@Augustinian have you tried changing your response? All this could have been avoided if you said, quietly, “why are you pulling faces?”. I’m glad he apologised but it’s a bit daft you worrying about making a scene if you had asked him, because if you asked him in English a lot of locals would5 have picked up on it. Instead, your and his day was ruined! Looks like you have got into some bad habits - you trying to read him
and not talk and him for not verbalising.

The irony; you are actually Japanese!!
I'm sorry but he's exhausted and stressed from visiting a book shop?
Who could be bothered to live their life on edge and constantly analysing 'looks', you'll feel better single.

Sounds like misophonia to me.

I have it, and especially out in public, it can be really bad. Rustling, chewing, crunching, sniffing and knuckle cracking all send me into a silent rage. It absolutely drives me bananas. Oh, and people biting their nails.
It's not soooo bad when we're at home. But I no longer buy oranges, because something about the way my DH eats them makes me furious. The slurping and audible swallowing. Barf.

God, I'm feeling tense just writing this!