Making a slight bag rustling sound in a fast food restaurant

[Augustinian]

My DH and I are on holiday. We were doing some shopping and fancied a break so stopped at a fast food restaurant as it was the easiest option (this is a busy spot). This country is his favourite country by the way, he wants to live here (we live in the UK). So we sat down, it’s busy but not quite full and we find a table. On one side is a man sitting on his own using his phone. While we wait for our food, I begin to take out a phone bag I had purchased as we are constantly having to use our phones for the train and I don’t have good pockets so it’s been quite a hassle getting it in and out. I want to get it ready for the journey home. The plastic shopping bag is making a slight rustling sound as I rummage around in it. The fast food place is full of chatting people, people unwrapping their food, etc, not exactly a museum or library atmosphere. As I’m reaching into the shopping bag to put the rubbish from the bag in it after unwrapping the phone bag, the bag rustles again. He gives me and then the bag a disgusted nasty look. He’s not a confrontational person so I’ve learned to read his facial expressions quite well after being married 10 years, and this one was clearly ‘you’re being loud and annoying and embarrassing me in front of my favourite country’s people by making too much noise’. I got pretty pissed about this (not loudly, I moved away from him to an empty seat and ate on my own). I have refused to travel back with him to the hotel and told him I won’t go back with him so to just finish his meal and leave. I’m now sat here wondering if I’ve over reacted but it really pissed me off. I do realise this is not a massive deal but it just made me feel a bit shit.

I think this is accurate tbf. Ty for not going to the ‘you’re imagining everything’ route as that is totally unhelpful to me as this is in fact our relationship dynamic.

Yes that’s it. And also really difficult because you can’t explain it to other people, as is evident in this thread. ’It’s all in my head’.

I knew what I would get by posting on AIBU though, but I also know there will be posters who get the situation and can give me a better grasp on things. I think I did over react on the face of it but then again, why couldn’t he just verbalise to me that I was making too much noise? Or that I was embarrassing him? Instead of being passive aggressive and arsey.

As someone who has been in 2 marriages exactly like this - You use your words like an adult and have a (stern) conversation with said spouse. Absolutely no need for childish dramatics.

And you don’t just say ’Use your words’, the way you would go a toddler holding his breath because he wants the toy from the Happy Meal?

Another who thought you overreacted massively. 'DH, why are you making that face?' Would've covered it. Not this huge drama performance!

SeagullsSquawk upthread nailed it.

If his passive aggression means you cannot have a completely normal conversation then it's not much of a relationship. If you really think he was communicating you "embarrassed him in front of his favourite country's people" (wtf?) by rustling a fecking shopping bag then he's an absolute twat. I'd be doing everything without him from now and forever.

Or ‘Do you have trapped wind?’

I'd make a face if my dh was rustling plastic I can't stand the noise, I've even told my dh to stop the bloody rustling he laughs at me and occasionally does it more as he doesn't value his life!
Total over reaction on your part the reaction from him was most likely involuntary and he didn't say anything.

I know that sounds like an insane reading of things but that was honestly correct of what was going on. I know him way too well and his silent reactions and the way he thinks.

It’s not a great dynamic, is it? He gives you daggers, you flounce off.

You both behaved oddly, IMO. Whether this was just stress/bit of sadness as the end of the holiday approaches and the thought of travelling home, or if it’s needing to walk on eggshells all the time, only you know.

I still think you overreacted and I’m not creating a whole picture of your relationship based on one silly example. But I agree with PP that there’s a communication problem.

If he has been "controlling" in the silent treatment for 10 years (which is manipulation 101), and you've had this for years and years, this incident is on the face of it an over reaction, but deeper its definitely a sign that the relationship isn't a normal one, and at very hi level it's not a good one.

If you came here saying he was a massive manipulative AH and your over reaction is the last straw, this post would be full of supportive comments and LTB...

Look into "Silent treatment" as a manipulative tactics and how to react and deal with it.

It was made up in your head. You are not a mind reader. He could have had a tooth ache, he could have just remembered he forgot to pay his parking fine before leaving, he could have smelled something funny in the restaurant... A million things could have been going through his head at that moment. So yes, unless you have psychic powers, you made it up.
The second reason you are BU is because you didn't attempt to talk to him.
The third reason is that you remain in the marriage despite the fact that you and your husband can't communicate and you don't seem to be happy with the way he treats you.
And finally, your huff actually did nothing to resolve the immediate situation or to change the dynamics of your relationship.

Were you in Brazil?

”you are embarrassing me infront of my countries people”

what an odd thing to say. You could tell that’s what he was thinking?

In some relationships - mine for instance - this would be an overreaction. But the OP immediately gave me the shivers as it reminded me of the awful tension and silent/hissed arguments between my parents when I was a child. Rustling would have set my dad off, and it would have escalated. I feel for you.

But you’re not obliged to place any value whatsoever on his feelings about bag rustling.

The reason why I didn’t communicate with him properly is because we were in a busy place and I didn’t want to cause a scene. Neither one of us had even eaten yet. I just wanted to eat my meal in peace away from him and go home in peace away from him. I was pissed at the time and now I just feel deflated.

I Think you overreacted (unless this is constant and was the straw and all that) but I do believe you that you could tell what his problem was by his face. And it would have annoyed me too. I would have just maybe said something and then moved on. But I’m also a drama llama and I get quite upset over criticism especially like this where its pathetic he’s annoyed by your noise so can see why you did react that way

You overreacted.

I can believe him having a face on wasn't in your head, but how do you know it was the rusting plastic? You didn't even ask what it was about according to your story.

Was it a country that has particular social rules about public noise, like Japan? A country where chatting and eating food noises in a fast food restaurant are acceptable, but other unusual noises may be considered very rude? Is that how you knew?

If you knew what the face was about because you already knew you were actually doing something rude and inappropriate in that particular country, then you're the asshole here. And that's very gaslighty too.

You didn’t want to cause a scene yet you stormed off and sat at the other side of the restaurant?? 🤣🤣

Yes that’s the situation with me exactly.

Yes it’s Japan. But I’m Japanese myself and he isn’t 😪

Also you were both probably easily annoyed as you were hungry and tired. Now you’ve both eaten try and talk and move on and don’t let it ruin your holiday

Brazil?

why have you put up with him being 10 years of acting like an arsepiece?

It wasn’t like that.

Ty that is reasonable…I feel done in to be honest. It’s really ridiculous feeling upset sitting in a fast food restaurant on my own.