Making a slight bag rustling sound in a fast food restaurant

[Augustinian]

My DH and I are on holiday. We were doing some shopping and fancied a break so stopped at a fast food restaurant as it was the easiest option (this is a busy spot). This country is his favourite country by the way, he wants to live here (we live in the UK). So we sat down, it’s busy but not quite full and we find a table. On one side is a man sitting on his own using his phone. While we wait for our food, I begin to take out a phone bag I had purchased as we are constantly having to use our phones for the train and I don’t have good pockets so it’s been quite a hassle getting it in and out. I want to get it ready for the journey home. The plastic shopping bag is making a slight rustling sound as I rummage around in it. The fast food place is full of chatting people, people unwrapping their food, etc, not exactly a museum or library atmosphere. As I’m reaching into the shopping bag to put the rubbish from the bag in it after unwrapping the phone bag, the bag rustles again. He gives me and then the bag a disgusted nasty look. He’s not a confrontational person so I’ve learned to read his facial expressions quite well after being married 10 years, and this one was clearly ‘you’re being loud and annoying and embarrassing me in front of my favourite country’s people by making too much noise’. I got pretty pissed about this (not loudly, I moved away from him to an empty seat and ate on my own). I have refused to travel back with him to the hotel and told him I won’t go back with him so to just finish his meal and leave. I’m now sat here wondering if I’ve over reacted but it really pissed me off. I do realise this is not a massive deal but it just made me feel a bit shit.

I think you're right about your relationship dynamic being a bit weird. I get where you're coming from to an extent as I'm very perceptive to subtle looks, facial expressions etc and I'd know if DH was irritated by something without saying it. So assuming your perception is correct- your DH is wrong for being annoyed over such a non issue and for not communicating his feelings with you. However your reaction isn't really any way to live either if you're going to resort to physically moving away and refusing to be near him. Your communication is severely lacking too. I'm getting the impression that this is way more than just rustling a bag in a fast food joint though, and maybe an accumulation of your DH being passive aggressive and neither of you being able to communicate. Deeper issues than meets the eye. I voted YABU because your way of dealing with the situation isn't appropriate and verges on immature. But he is also BU for behaving like that in the first place.

Gosh I would be super annoyed if someone tried to convey how I should behave in my own birth country when he’s a mere tourist.
i too can be passive aggressive and would probably have picked the bag up and deliberately scrunched it loudly.
In future don’t go to another table. Tell your dh that if he finds you embarrassing he’s welcome to sit elsewhere.

He mansplains to you how to be Japanese!!??
You know this isn't right.

The emphasis (twice) on it being your husbands favourite country is very weird tbh. Do you think he would have handled the bag rustling better if you were in one of his lesser liked countries?

this^

Why did you behave like a petulant child? I'd be surprised if he still wants to be with someone like that.

Yes absolutely! He would not have cared.

While fully accepting that your DH was pissed off at you and that he conveyed that in his facial expression, which he has acknowledged happened via his text, I still think the way you dealt with it was a huge overreaction. Moving seats and refusing to travel home with him is the behaviour of a teenager.
I can read my husband very well too and he sometimes looks at me in a way that I know means he’s annoyed at something. I just say ‘you’re doing that look again, come on then, what’s the problem?’ and we discuss it.
However, being annoyed at you for rustling a bag in a fast food restaurant is insane.

Then this is the real issue, surely? Are you happy? Do you want to stay in the relationship?

I‘m not buying that you had that much of a fallout over merely a bag rustling, were able to interpret that much from just a facial expression and your pretty extreme reaction came down to just that bag.

Did he think they were going to refuse to let him in again because he’s got a bag rustling wife?

It’s not the first time he has done this to me. But I don’t know how to convince someone that this apparently insane situation is in fact, reality. If I take a picture of the train I’m travelling back on will that convince people?! Not that I should have to try to convince people, and it’s probably a fruitless effort anyways.

He absolutely hates to appear like he’s making any kind of trouble or disturbance as a non-Japanese person, to a degree of 1 million.

If you’ve lived with it, you understand. My DF could crush me with a look if I transgressed. He was very upper middle class and there were all sorts of ways to break unknown etiquette rules. He’s never say anything, that would draw attention, but oh my, did you know about it.

What happens if you don’t react? If you pretend you have no idea what his looks mean? If instead of storming off, you just gave him a big happy grin and played dumb as to what you thought he was thinking and continued the bag rustling? Would he every mention it, or continue the gurning?

Not really the point but just to say bag rustling makes me crazy.
It is a weird, random quirk I will acknowledge. (also-chewing except for my dog)
And I am not saying your DH was right-you both over reacted for sure.

And I don't know why-it just gets right under my skin.
No one eats anything out of bags or packets here-everyone decants snacks etc into bowls.
From quite a young age DC would pour their popcorn or whatever snack into little bowls-quite sweet really and even during the messy, revolting teenage years they always did. No packet rustling here!!

If I hear DH's fingers scrabbling round in a crisp packet it really winds me up.
Even as I write this I think how odd but it really does get to me.

@Augustinian You’ve been given a hard time here because not everyone will be familiar with “the face”. The face that says “you are the stupidest person in the entire world” or “you are the most disgusting person in the world”. My FIL does it to my MIL and it is just full of utter contempt. My DH has very “occasionally” given me the face and all I see is his dad when he does it, so presumably he learned it from him. I won’t tolerate it: I say “don’t make that face or you’ll find yourself single” or something along those lines, which seems to work.

I completely agree that he can give you a look and that you can understand what means. I don't think it's in your imagination.

It reminds me of when you're twatting around as a kid and your mum gives you The Look.

My son is autistic and non verbal, and so I've learned over the years how to communicate without words (or makaton or PECS)

Also; silent films and mime.

However, I do think you overreacted. If it were my partner giving me The Look over rustling, I would either look him in the eye and rustle the rustly thing deliberately. Or i'd return The Look, maybe pull a stupid face. Or I would look around as if wondering where the noise was coming from. But then I would probably cease the rustling altogether, because it is an irritating sound, and carry on with my meal.

Blimey. Sounds like a fun holiday. Next time ask for a paper bag.

I have to try to imagine what would happen so I could be wrong, but I think he would get increasingly agitated but I’m not sure what he would do next. Possibly get up and leave me and my rustling bag while making up some excuse why he left, even though it would be obvious to me the actual reason why based on his demeanor and personality etc. In the past he has tried to change reality when I confronted him and say what had happened hadn’t happened that way, until I feel like I’m going insane and eventually he admits I was right. He has stopped doing that finally after I told him I would leave him if he kept it up.

Yes the face really speaks volumes, it makes me feel horrible. I don’t handle it well i the moment and it takes me a long time to get to grips with how I’m feeling and process things more calmly. This thread has helped me a lot to put things into perspective.

I think this was the culmination of an entire day of him being in a bad mood because of the ‘book incident’ and me trying to emotionally prop him up and make him feel better and try to have a good day regardless etc etc etc. And then that nasty look for rustling my bag in a FF restaurant just set me off. Like wtf, after I was so understanding of him all day for him feeling bad and tried to help him feel better about it. It’s really dumb now that I’m processing this fully.

Yes the face really speaks volumes, it makes me feel horrible. I don’t handle it well i the moment and it takes me a long time to get to grips with how I’m feeling and process things more calmly. This thread has helped me a lot to put things into perspective.

You shouldn't have to be handling it at all!

Most people would just say "isn't that too much noise?" if worried about offending, or "could you not do that right now as it's really annoying".

A face is belittling imo and can leave you second guessing.

My DH and I are on holiday ... This country is his favourite country by the way, he wants to live here (we live in the UK).
If this is how it is on holiday, imagine what life would be like if this was your every day existence. Don't do it!

This is my exact thought that I was just having!! But I thought, am I just being OTT? Because I was thinking about saying to him when I get back, which I will be shortly now, saying I don’t want to live here if this is how he’s going to act. It’s psycho.