Making a slight bag rustling sound in a fast food restaurant

[Augustinian]

My DH and I are on holiday. We were doing some shopping and fancied a break so stopped at a fast food restaurant as it was the easiest option (this is a busy spot). This country is his favourite country by the way, he wants to live here (we live in the UK). So we sat down, it’s busy but not quite full and we find a table. On one side is a man sitting on his own using his phone. While we wait for our food, I begin to take out a phone bag I had purchased as we are constantly having to use our phones for the train and I don’t have good pockets so it’s been quite a hassle getting it in and out. I want to get it ready for the journey home. The plastic shopping bag is making a slight rustling sound as I rummage around in it. The fast food place is full of chatting people, people unwrapping their food, etc, not exactly a museum or library atmosphere. As I’m reaching into the shopping bag to put the rubbish from the bag in it after unwrapping the phone bag, the bag rustles again. He gives me and then the bag a disgusted nasty look. He’s not a confrontational person so I’ve learned to read his facial expressions quite well after being married 10 years, and this one was clearly ‘you’re being loud and annoying and embarrassing me in front of my favourite country’s people by making too much noise’. I got pretty pissed about this (not loudly, I moved away from him to an empty seat and ate on my own). I have refused to travel back with him to the hotel and told him I won’t go back with him so to just finish his meal and leave. I’m now sat here wondering if I’ve over reacted but it really pissed me off. I do realise this is not a massive deal but it just made me feel a bit shit.

You simply irritate each other massively. Time to call it a day.

Completely out there but could he have misophonia? I can sit in a crowded bus or cafe but as soon as I hear any form of crinkle paper (bags, crisp packets) I go into unimaginable rage!! I cannot help it. I'm a very calm, placid introvert but certain specific sounds make me loose my mind.

i understand your point op. i think it's difficult for others to conceptualise based only on what you've written but you are the one who knows the dynamic of your relationship. and it does feel horrible to be glared at, especially when you're tired and a bit on edge. i think you need to have a gentle but frank conversation with your husband, basically saying what you've said here, that you have a strong upset reaction to these "faces" and you want him to work on improving his communication. if he won't give his best effort to try, then what does that say about his attitude to the relationship?

by the way, i think it sounds like your husband puts japan on a pedestal. he can't walk around expecting every situation to be perfectly ideal all the time, not understanding someone is a completely normal part of the process of language learning. and he definitely shouldn't be taking it out on you.

If I was you I would divorce. Life is far too short to be spend with a husband who is passive aggressive and brings no joy or has you walking on egg shells. You can do better.

I don’t want to live here if this is how he’s going to act.
It's deeper than Japan or rustling bags, there is something wrong with the relationship. It may be you that is wrong. Or him. Or just the dynamic.
But I feel that you (plural) have to think wider about the whole relationship.

Yes, I’m a fan of the strong, clear words, so if my DH had done this, he would have heard, ‘what’s the problem?’, and if he didn’t explain/respond, I’d have told him to pack in the huffing, sighing, angry looks etc. Don’t let him get away with this, OP - get straight to the point.

Was it Mos Burger? If so who cares about noise there.

I think there is some hyper awareness of being rude in Japan after all the stories of tourists bothering the geisha, disrespecting the Torii gates and the purifying stations at the temples. So that may have influenced him (not that I am excusing)

As a half deaf ADHD person, I went to Japan last summer and my Autistic kid kept also telling me I was being loud (honestly i wasn't in some places, in others I was a bit, sorry) but no one would have cared about a rustling bag...

I think it's good you have no children, better to separate as you can't live being so hyper aware of his moods.

You are both as bad as eachother, and yes, your response made it worse and can only escalate the passive-aggressive cycle.

If someone glared at me, I'd ask 'why are you glaring at me?' This is not creating a scene or causing a problem. It is a question.

He can then choose to tell the truth - which may have been nothing to do with 'noise' but something else you were doing, like focussing on a phone bag when he wanted to talk, or order food or something. You can't know, because you didn't ask.

Or he can lie and say he wasn't glaring. If someone did this repeatedly, I would end the relationship as I don't like passive aggressive people and those who try to control me with moods and silent treatment.

Which was then what you did to him. Honestly, if someone did that to me ONCE while dating, I'd bin them off. Even the abusive ex didn't do it, because the only time he did, I ended the relationship (he fished me back in and physically abused me, but I could tolerate that at the time!).

You totally over-reacted. You've tolerated his looks for 10 years, and it's turning you into someone as passively aggressive as him. You need joint counselling, or just pack it in. Unless you like the person you've become, in which case, stay together, you are suited in your dysfunction, and you'd spoil another couple.

I think you've had quite a hard time from some posters on here, OP.

I can totally imagine the situation you've described and how it might look like a massive overreaction but is understandable when understood as part of a pattern of behaviour that is wearing you down. Your reaction wasn't great but I'm also neurodiverse and am similarly very sensitive to people's displeasure / disappointment even when very subtly expressed and can sort of imagine responding in the way you did. I wish I was the sort of person who could just ignore 'the look' and move on but I'm not (yet at least!)

It's really good that his text reflects that he can understand your perspective. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday and that things start to get a bit easier going forwards.

OP, for your own sake , you need to learn to not take his reactions personally. You are not responsible for his mood or behaviour. If he is unhappy or upset that is his problem. You cannot control him and trying to make him happy makes you responsible for his happiness. You are essentially giving him great power over you.
Moving away from him and his passive-aggressive behaviour in the restaurant was actually smart. You showed him you would not put up with that any more. You showed him your boundary as a sort.

Rustling bags can be really annoying if they go on too long but totally get where you are coming from as I have a family member that does this. I can read her like a book and her looks can be really filthy. Last time I asked what she was upset about but she denied it, however, she did snap out of it after. YABU to not call him out on it. It would be healthier for your relationship if you verbalised your issues and tried to resolve them.

I’ve been with a passive (and not so passive) aggressive ex and when I read your op @Augustinian i said out loud, what a DICK!

“you’ve embarrassed me in front of my favourite people”?

what a dick. Let him move there and stay in the UK yourself. Imagine how tedious he’s going to get when you’re isolated out there? Or when he’s 10 years older and 20 years grumpier? Cos that WILL happen.

I was thinking this too. I have misophonia. I also can sit on a crowded train but as soon as anyone starts using a laptop within earshot I have to move to the other end of the carriage. Tapping, rustling paper, crinkling plastic, chewing noises all make me unreasonably annoyed, as in wanting to leap around the room behaving like a wolverine (or Wolverine) annoyed. I have learnt to direct my laser glances at the floor rather than at the people because it isn't their fault - apart from those who chew gum with their mouths open. Thank goodness for noise cancelling headphones and being able to tune into my phone playing a 'babbling brook' noise. That got me through an overloaded Edinburgh to Bristol train ride seated in front of someone who was clearly practising for the world record in loud, performative, typing.

I don't think you were making too much noise OP, it was the type of noise that set the glaring gentleman off and it really wasn't your fault.

I haven’t read the full thread OP. I have read your posts OP. I understand. I remember years ago being out with my DH in town. He hadn’t bothered to tell me that he actually wanted to get home to watch the football. I was walking along chatting away happily. He started trailing slightly behind me. I glanced back and he was looking at me with such a look of utter contempt and disgust. It actually knocked me for six. I have never forgotten it. If he had just said can we get back now I would have been happy to go home.

I'd be fuming, particularly as all so bloody avoidable and your poor daughter. Hope they are proud!

On the surface it sounds like a massive over reaction.

But if there is a history of him giving you nasty looks to control your behaviour or upset you or frighten you and this is a pattern of a type of insidious abuse that leaves you walking on egg shells that is different and I would recommend you get some support or counselling to help you recognise and deal with abuse

Sorry wrong thread 🤣

I have a friend who gives the filthiest, snide looks to anyone who makes a noise. I just anxiously wait on the latest snide look everytime I hear a noise that's going to annoy her. It's soul destroying OP, it'd be better if she just said something. So I know how you feel.

Have you got children? I am not sure why you haven't addressed this if you find it so annoying?

Have you read the OPs posts?

you actually call this person, who makes you anxious, a friend?

You lost me at ‘phone bag’. What’s a phone bag? I would have thought you just keep a phone in your handbag but you seem to reference a specific bag that makes noise so I’m more than lost frankly.

Op: AIBU ?

90%: Yes

Op: no I’m not

We haven’t had one of these lately.

yup. Missed the bit about no kids, not sure why she stays.

This is not unusual. Many women know what their husbands mood will be just by the he comes in to the house after work or bring out.

Nonverbal communication is a thing.

Sorry you’re being disbelieved.