Making a slight bag rustling sound in a fast food restaurant

[Augustinian]

My DH and I are on holiday. We were doing some shopping and fancied a break so stopped at a fast food restaurant as it was the easiest option (this is a busy spot). This country is his favourite country by the way, he wants to live here (we live in the UK). So we sat down, it’s busy but not quite full and we find a table. On one side is a man sitting on his own using his phone. While we wait for our food, I begin to take out a phone bag I had purchased as we are constantly having to use our phones for the train and I don’t have good pockets so it’s been quite a hassle getting it in and out. I want to get it ready for the journey home. The plastic shopping bag is making a slight rustling sound as I rummage around in it. The fast food place is full of chatting people, people unwrapping their food, etc, not exactly a museum or library atmosphere. As I’m reaching into the shopping bag to put the rubbish from the bag in it after unwrapping the phone bag, the bag rustles again. He gives me and then the bag a disgusted nasty look. He’s not a confrontational person so I’ve learned to read his facial expressions quite well after being married 10 years, and this one was clearly ‘you’re being loud and annoying and embarrassing me in front of my favourite country’s people by making too much noise’. I got pretty pissed about this (not loudly, I moved away from him to an empty seat and ate on my own). I have refused to travel back with him to the hotel and told him I won’t go back with him so to just finish his meal and leave. I’m now sat here wondering if I’ve over reacted but it really pissed me off. I do realise this is not a massive deal but it just made me feel a bit shit.

I was reading these posts thinking this mirrors exactly the relationship my mother and father had. My father would always just give the stare, or a grimace to my mum whether he was unhappy with something. Again, like your DH, he would never verbalise how he felt, you just had to read the signs.

They split up. I consider it a form of abuse - communication in a relationship is important otherwise you'll just spend life treading on eggshells.

It sounds as if you have both fallen into an unhealthy dynamic where you don’t have the conversations that form the normal rough and tumble of everyday life - it is bizarre to have a completely non-verbal argument, does it happen often?

He should be able to tell you what he said in that text in person and it should have formed part of a conversation before things ever escalated the way that they did - and you have a part to play in that as well. You need to find a better way of communicating with one another - the silent treatment is unacceptable, but physically removing yourself from the situation each time won’t make it better and if anything could become habitual way of ‘dealing’ with things.

You can make this a turning point in your relationship and use it to start to change things - but you both have to be willing. Initially I thought the whole ‘favourite country’ thing was a bit daft and irrelevant but from your further posts I see that it has created a high stress situation because this holiday is almost a trial run for if you could both live there. Please talk to one another - it’s not just about salvaging the holiday, but your relationship, if that is what you want.

The entire time. But I have since been diagnosed as autistic and he has a lot of anxiety issues stemming from an abusive childhood. I think we are both problematic in our own ways but he often does this to me (this silent reaction thing that speaks volumes) and I hate it. It’s not in my head. I don’t handle it well at all, it upsets me. And it takes a while for me to calm down. I needed outside input to try to come to grips with myself. I can appreciate that I over react. And I’ve appreciated the measured responses here.

Sorry if this is drip-feeding? I wanted as neutral a viewpoint as possible but maybe I should have mentioned being Autistic, but I fear making the thread about that. Also didn’t think it would get so many responses.

Pp will saying you massively overreacted can't understand being involved with someone who is extremely passive aggressive.

It is a form of abuse and you have been conditioned to react a certain way to appease him.

He can hold his hands up and say "but I never said anything" and it makes you look crazy.
And you can't defend yourself because again, he hasn't actually said anything.

But you know the message, you know what he's actually saying.

I think you probably have had enough of his shaming you and treating you like this and your actions make sense to me in this context.

Is this even worth asking strangers about?

I don't see the issue.

I did but then I was diagnosed as Autistic (and I am not making judgments on Autistic parents!) I realised it was for the best for us not to have children for a variety of related reasons. I am at peace with it although I would have liked to have children in an ideal world.

I don't think you overreacted. Communication in person is often non-verbal.

I had a coworker who always pulled faces at me. She was also a bit short with me when we talked but the things she said were not outright rude. Her body language conveyed her disdain in a very obvious manner. If she came back to my team I'd probably have a little chat with my team leader to ensure that I never had to work closely with her again.

Well to this one incident you overreacted but think you are saying this is an ongoing thing so you aren’t reacting to this one but the hundreds before. Suggest you work on not being reactive to something he hasn’t said , he is an adult let him use his words. Otherwise you look like a nutter. My husband who is very noisy takes great umbrage when anyone else is and pulls his face. It does make you want to murder them.

Thinking it’s a wind up speaks volumes to be honest.

No it's not.

That's a very detailed post going into lots of detail just to say my dh gave me daggers for rustling a bag and I moved to another table.

LTB

Is it normal for one of you to walk off without speaking and travel home alone to avoid causing a scene?

Agree with @FujiWisteria . Until you’ve experienced this kind of constant and insidious behaviour from someone, you can’t understand it. My dad was like it towards my mum, a sort of barely disguised contempt. My ex was like it towards me. It is abusive. You can challenge it and then they gaslight you, making out that you’re the unreasonable one or you’re overreacting and they don’t know what you’re making such a fuss about. And you change your behaviour so as not to annoy them, but the things that annoy them change daily (and are often contradictory so you end up confused, feeling like you’re going mad and walking on eggshells to avoid triggering the comments and the sulks and the silent treatment.

I won’t stand for it now but @Augustinian I get it and you have my sympathies.

Yes it’s not the first time, and when it happens like this it’s in public places where I don’t want to make a scene. I initially try to ignore it but I can’t, my face starts to flush and I can’t suppress feeling upset. I find it hard to gauge whether I’m being unreasonably upset or not in the moment. It doesn’t feel like I am but I do wonder if I’m too sensitive. Well I think I’m definitely too sensitive but I have only been able to change that marginally despite trying.

It isn’t? How so?

What do you get out of this relationship where you're stepping on eggshells and always watching him for the slightest reaction?

I'd recommend a relationship with someone who you can talk to, it's a lot easier.

I’ve never done the equivalent to him. I am pretty forthright and open with communication but he is the opposite. If it were me I would have said something about the bag if it were really an issue, but more likely, just ignored it as we were in a FF place?!

This feels like one of those LinkedIn posts that clearly didn’t happen or at best is missing a lot.

I’ve just read his apology text which is quite sweet, and shows you were right in your interpretation of his facial expressions. But he apologised for ‘snapping’ at you when he didn’t snap! You guys have really got to practise talking!

This was his way of snapping at me without verbally snapping at me.

Let me help you out here OP. I know the dynamic you are talking about, I do think you over reacted. You gave his passive aggression power. Next time he gives you that look, stop, look at him and say “I’m sorry is this bothering you?”.

Every time he does it, verify because he stops the cycle and takes the power away. They have to use their words and communicate.

I’m sure it’s missing things, we’ve been married 10 years. I honestly did not expect people to think it was made up though, it makes me wonder about myself.

I use the 5 year rule. Will I care in 5 years about this incident? If not I leave it be

Your example would be no. I won't care I got a dirty look
I won't care the kids don't wear a coat and get cold
I don't care we had a Chinese instead of Indian
I do care he didn't visit me in hospital
I do care he drinks too much
I do care the cat litter tray is left for me to clean

You choose what you care about

I feel your pain, my DH is very, very uptight in public, he's like a different person. I know where it comes from though, my mil was in his words 'militant' and scared him as a small child, he always had to behave perfectly in public. Is your DH only like this in Japan?
Also why do you accept the passive aggression? When your DH gave you a 'disgusted nasty look' you could force him to use his words. I would ask my DH why he is giving me the evils... and not drop it until he's stopped (and talk about it later), or when he's told me his issue. If your DH making you feel uncomfortable with dirty looks it's well within your right to confront him in that moment, and say how it makes you feel. Your DH may reframe from trying to control your behaviour with his facial expressions, if you confront it every time. So much easier and less embarrassing for everyone to have a polite conversation about the problem!