Making a slight bag rustling sound in a fast food restaurant

[Augustinian]

My DH and I are on holiday. We were doing some shopping and fancied a break so stopped at a fast food restaurant as it was the easiest option (this is a busy spot). This country is his favourite country by the way, he wants to live here (we live in the UK). So we sat down, it’s busy but not quite full and we find a table. On one side is a man sitting on his own using his phone. While we wait for our food, I begin to take out a phone bag I had purchased as we are constantly having to use our phones for the train and I don’t have good pockets so it’s been quite a hassle getting it in and out. I want to get it ready for the journey home. The plastic shopping bag is making a slight rustling sound as I rummage around in it. The fast food place is full of chatting people, people unwrapping their food, etc, not exactly a museum or library atmosphere. As I’m reaching into the shopping bag to put the rubbish from the bag in it after unwrapping the phone bag, the bag rustles again. He gives me and then the bag a disgusted nasty look. He’s not a confrontational person so I’ve learned to read his facial expressions quite well after being married 10 years, and this one was clearly ‘you’re being loud and annoying and embarrassing me in front of my favourite country’s people by making too much noise’. I got pretty pissed about this (not loudly, I moved away from him to an empty seat and ate on my own). I have refused to travel back with him to the hotel and told him I won’t go back with him so to just finish his meal and leave. I’m now sat here wondering if I’ve over reacted but it really pissed me off. I do realise this is not a massive deal but it just made me feel a bit shit.

For the people who think the OP is being ridiculous/the husband did nothing:

Why did the husband not think it was unusual that she got up and moved to another table?

Wouldn't you find it strange if you were eating with someone, and not just anyone, but your actual spouse, and they just up and left to another table with no reason? Wouldn't you react? At the very least, ask them about it later if you didn't want to disturb them in the moment?

He was probably hungry and tired, you probably did annoy him but you massively overreacted 😂 some people have real problems.

My ex had me so paranoid about everything that I did that I couldn’t yawn or make sounds in front of him. It all sounds mad when I type it out but he absolutely trained me to a point of paranoia. He could just look at me for a moment and my heart would sink. Moving away from him shows strength in what sounds like an abusive relationship potentially.
I am sorry.

Not a nice thing to say to someone who may be in an abusive relationship.

A lot of replies from people here who can't read between the lines, and a couple of helpful ones.

If you are in a relationship with a man who is extremely passive aggressive to the point you've had to learn to read his facial expressions, and can control you with a look, then you are not insane.

This kind of behaviour is so insidious and hard to describe that you do feel like you're the crazy one. It's not you.

On days I worry I've overreacted to a situation I'm going to read this thread again just to reassure myself how I normal I actually am.

OP my DF was like this. I get it. If you haven’t experienced it, you can’t understand.

I'm disappointed there wasn't a huge spider in your McDonald's bag

I understand what you mean with this, sometimes a look speaks volumes. My Ex used to roll his eyes and look at me with disdain, not a word was said but I knew exactly what he was thinking.

He’s sent me a text which I haven’t responded to yet. I’ve just now found the right train I need to get back (it’s an hour away), so I’m
sat here now. Regarding the text, the book collection stress was because he couldn’t understand something the bookstore salesperson was saying (in Japanese - DH has been studying Japanese for about 4 years) and he felt embarrassed and judged (it was ‘Would you like a bag?’).

—-

I’m back at the hotel.

I’m sorry for snapping at you over the sound of the bag rustling. It wasn’t fair of me and you weren’t doing anything wrong. I realised that I might have made you feel like an embarrassment or a nuisance. I’m sorry for taking out my exhaustion from yesterday and the book collection stress out on you all day.

If you can’t talk to each other about stuff then that’s difficult for any relationship. Having to constantly guess if your behaviour is right is exhausting and will lead you to doing less and less and not being you anymore. Does he adapt his behaviour for you?

yes we all have to adapt a bit and I’ve been known to give my DH a look when he’s being loudly talking about how there’s no god while sightseeing in a church for example…. But we generally have a laugh or a chat about it.

also being hungry is never a good time to have a row.

but it just doesn’t sound healthy….

Couples can get very irritated with each other on holiday. Sounds like that to me. If you get on well the rest of the time annd this is a one off, go and find DH, apologise for going off in a huff and ask what was irritating him so much.

You sound like hard work.

That’s actually quite a sweet message he sent, in the end.

I am surprised this took until 4 pages, I was expecting it much earlier!

No, we can’t have children (he is infertile). I think it’s for the best though. I think we are dysfunctional.

If this true, why are you with him at all, let alone on holiday?

Sounds like a massive over reaction on both sides. But also some underlying toxicity in the relationship. You’ve learnt to ‘read’ his facial expressions because he’s non-confrontational? How often does he give you these disapproving looks? Why don’t you talk to each other? Why didn’t you just ask ‘what?’ when he gave you a look?

I think this is the point tbh OP. I honestly read your post and thought it was a wind up. Having said that, my DP can be passive aggressive at times so to some extent I know what it’s like. However, I think if you are going to react, you have to verbalise the initial issue. I either ignore it altogether or say, ‘what’s your problem?’ (Or words to that effect) and then react accordingly.

By overreacting but not acknowledging your initial assumption about him being annoyed with you, you come across a bit nuts.