DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

[Bellanova]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP updated 3 days ago.

If people are going to give advice it would be respectful if they at least read the OP’s updates which is very easy to do through the “see all” link.

I don't think you will leave him because you are making excuses for him. But think, if he went out with his mates, took drugs (just once more, as they were all doing it) slept with someone, got an STI, passed it into you, how would you feel then? Plus, forgive him, you've given him the go ahead to do it again because it wasn't really cheating, it was ONLY oral sex. 20 years on where will you be after numerous times of forgiving, it's not as easy to start again when your older. I'm speaking from experience stuck at it till I was in my 50s, by then he thought cheating was no big deal, he'd done it so often. Tell yourself your worth more than that and get out or throw him out. If you think it's not that serious, go tell your parents, see what they say.

She has. RTFT

Yeah that's almost worse in my opinion. He's a lunatic. And if he thinks your gonna accept this then he will keep doing it. And cocain!!! He's not a fecking student grow the fuck up. It's pathetic. I'm sorry it's awful. There are so many dickhead men in the world. And splitting up is shit but you deserve so much better than this. What an absolute fucking belled he is!!!!

What ?

OP updated thread three days ago. He’s cheated multiple times and she’s asked him to leave. If you’d read the full thread or her updates you’d have known this and maybe given more helpful advice/support.

Is this even real? I see lots of stories on here and wonder if they're genuine women telling stories or are they men fantasising and getting off on women on here reading it?

Well a man being unfaithful is hardly surprising - it’s not like the poo threads etc lol. Not hard to believe.

Well that's even worse ain't it if he's done it multiple times and she keeps taking him back and refusing to go,that ain't a matter for netmums is it really it's a police job to get the scumbag gone out of her life,her original post is what I commented to just like plenty of other people this morning so go get a life you sad person and try not to correct to many people along your day will ya

@Itsyourwifeymacrid Netmums? Wash your mouth out!

Hang on what do you all want me to say,awww bless ya he's a good man deep down he really loves you and he will change,no sorry not doing that,she asked a question and expected various answers weather there honest or a lie,I don't live a life on lies and false hopes,this is her life and her baby's life he's messing with so if he's refusing to leave then police will remove him,think you need to read what she put again and put your self in her shoes,would you let your man play you over and over again ?by the sound of it yes you would not my fault is it,you don't like my comments just scroll onto the next one and moan about that one instead

I see 😂 netmums don't know why it went that way round but yh that aswel 😂

Oh, I can believe men cheating... It's just the details about head and the woman saying I don't sleep with men on first night but. . . And the aroused in the morning bit.
It all just sounds a bit ridiculous

He went with the intention to have sex. That’s enough even if it didn’t happen.

Frankly, it doesn’t matter. He’s cheated regardless of the details, and if you believe he’s gone further, it doesn’t matter whether he admits it or not.

You just need to decide how you feel about it and what you’re going to do.

The result is absolutely broken now and you’ll never trust him again. You deserve better than staying with someone who disrespects you and you child like that. As hard as it is you should walk away and not look back. Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him

Class A drugs and a cheater? You’ll never be happy in this relationship again. Get him gone.

What does it matter? Sounds like they did pretty much everything else including kissing and oral sex, yet you’re getting hung up on penetration. Whether they did or not (and fwiw I don’t believe him either!) is irrelevant. It would be over for me. You’ll never trust him again.

Oh OP! Read all your updates! What awful news!

You’re doing the right stay strong!

Exsctly this. It is possible. But things can’t just go back to normal. I suggest you separate so he understands he has a lot to lose and then get marriage counselling and lean into the many online resources available to help repair a marriage after cheating (it’s something you’ll both have to work on, not just him Unfortauntely as you’ll need ways to move on. And no more work trips until when/if you are ever able to come up with a plan that will make you feel safer. Also no contact ever again with this woman. Even if that means him changing jobs.

ok please ignore my other post about being able to get past an episode of cheating. It’s obviously way beyond that .
wish you all the very best x

What a disgusting human he is.
Please get an STI check, because he has put you at risk.
Please don't let him wheedle his way back.
Please make sure you have support from friends and family - and here too!

Sound like the girl could have been a bloke.

I don't know how you come to that conclusion.
Do.you think the other women he cheated with , as detailed in OP's updates, were blokes too?

Omg OP my heart goes out to you. This is so awful.

I know you're hurting now but you are young and you have so much life and love and good times waiting for you. Don't even consider talking things through with this lowlife. He's a serial cheater and will never ever change. Don't look for answers, don't plead to know why he confused (somebody was going to blow the whistle on him) just focus on moving on and keep all interactions about your child.

There is a great relationship waiting for you. He blew it, his loss. You can get away from him but he is stuck with his disgusting self forever.