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Original poster

DH cheated, I don’t believe his version of events

680 replies

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

OP posts:
TinyFlamingo · 25/01/2025 08:21

What happened is horrible. But forget what she actually did. He's acted despicably. What did he do?

Drugs and alcohol so his judgement is completely impaired (allegedly)

He went back, enebrated or not, and the decision to have sex believing it would be sex (not knowing it wouldn't be mouth and hand stuff only, but that for me is still sex and isn't a differentiator - it's all sex).

The morning after no longer fully unable to make decision (if you buy I was drunk and on drugs) and consented to another sex act by her - he could have stopped it/said no. He's not a victim that was a conscious choice.

Focus on his actions not her alleged actions. It's all sex and no better which hole he enjoyed, he was unfaithful multiple times, because he could be.

He could also be playing it down as he thinks you'll think multiple oral is less worse than full penetrative.

He should immediately unfollow her too.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
For me behaviour is a language and his behaviour is showing in the right circumstances, and opportunity he'll cheat.

What you do with that is up to you, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Over the days and weeks more may or may not come out but you will be up and down, the only behaviour is full accountability and remorse, if there's any justification, gaslighting/ minimising your upset- no. But be kind to yourself your going to be feeling very understandably upset and it's going to come in waves.

Itrytobesensible · 25/01/2025 08:21

JollyZebra · 25/01/2025 08:02

Does it matter whether he "only" had oral sex?
He's cheated. No need for further explanation.
Up to you what you do next

We are on page 24 of the thread and things have moved on dramatically from this: try reading OP's updates.

TinyFlamingo · 25/01/2025 08:26

Fatcrab · 25/01/2025 07:45

In a way im glad you've seen this....because now there can be no doubt or second guessing. Imagine trying to make it work and all that anxiety building up everytime he goes away for work. Life is short, and You are still young and have a whole life ahead of you.

Dont take him back, go grieve and heal xx

Show quote history

I'm so sorry OP.

This is such a massive betrayal.

Please take time to heal from this, but your life will be so much better soon without this cheating scum. It might hurt now and for a while but I promise it will get better.
Sending so much strength.

You deserve so much better.

Cunningfungus · 25/01/2025 08:27

TinyFlamingo · 25/01/2025 08:21

What happened is horrible. But forget what she actually did. He's acted despicably. What did he do?

Drugs and alcohol so his judgement is completely impaired (allegedly)

He went back, enebrated or not, and the decision to have sex believing it would be sex (not knowing it wouldn't be mouth and hand stuff only, but that for me is still sex and isn't a differentiator - it's all sex).

The morning after no longer fully unable to make decision (if you buy I was drunk and on drugs) and consented to another sex act by her - he could have stopped it/said no. He's not a victim that was a conscious choice.

Focus on his actions not her alleged actions. It's all sex and no better which hole he enjoyed, he was unfaithful multiple times, because he could be.

He could also be playing it down as he thinks you'll think multiple oral is less worse than full penetrative.

He should immediately unfollow her too.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
For me behaviour is a language and his behaviour is showing in the right circumstances, and opportunity he'll cheat.

What you do with that is up to you, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. Over the days and weeks more may or may not come out but you will be up and down, the only behaviour is full accountability and remorse, if there's any justification, gaslighting/ minimising your upset- no. But be kind to yourself your going to be feeling very understandably upset and it's going to come in waves.

Read the full thread or at least the OP’s updates before posting.

BadlyDrawnRoy · 25/01/2025 08:31

You're really asking what you should do? I think you know the answer, as hard as it might be now, it's the only thing you can do. Boot him out.

OneWildBiscuit · 25/01/2025 08:38

Bellanova · 22/01/2025 06:53

DH and I have been together for 5 years, we are late 20s, have a 9 month old and generally very happy.

Last week he went on a work trip to Barcelona, he got back yesterday. I could tell immediately he wasn’t himself and asked what was up. After pressing for a while he told me “I cheated, we’ll sort of and I used cocaine”. To say I’m stunned is an understatement.

He went on to tell me he met a girl in a club, lots of people were using cocaine in this club and he was very drunk so he did “one line”, he then admitted she had done more. He said she then said they should go back to hers, he said he wasn’t thinking at all and said yes. When they got back she apparently said she doesn’t sleep with guys the first time she meets them but she would give him head. He said he didn’t really believe her that she wouldn’t sleep with him, but she did in fact just perform oral sex. He said they also made out and touched but she kept her skirt and underwear on the whole time. He then told me he spent the night at hers and the next morning he woke up erect and she noticed and performed more oral sex on him.

I know I probably shouldn’t have asked for all the details but I had to know.

AIBU to think it is very unlikely a girl would take a guy back to hers, but stop shy of actually sleeping with him?

I don’t even know what to do from here, I don’t want to leave him and it doesn’t seem premeditated but I just don’t believe he didn’t actually sleep with her. He also follows her instagram (she doesn’t follow him back) and she is bloody stunning which has knocked my self esteem into the ground. Then there is the drug use! Gosh I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

You're only concern is which of her orifices he put his dick into, not the fact that he did, twice? He's betrayed you,' He's a loser, and he'll do it again. Get rid of him.

Sassybooklover · 25/01/2025 08:39

I have read all your posts OP. I'm so sorry that you have had to experience this heartache. You have absolutely done the right thing in ending the marriage. Your husband is immature and clearly would rather follow the path of banging any woman he wants. No one forced your husband to behave in this manner, he has made that choice. He's now finding out that all behaviour has consequences. He's thrown away his marriage for cheap sex. That's on him, not you. Seek legal advice. Regardless of any divorce, seek a Contact Order through the Courts for his access to your child and apply for Child Support. On a personal level, please make sure you are tested for STI's, as your husband has had multiple partners. You'd hope he'd have used protection but if alcohol and drugs are involved, who knows. Sending you a big hug. You will get through this, and come out the other side. You deserve much better, please don't think otherwise and settle for your vile husband.

Cunningfungus · 25/01/2025 09:04

Can people at least read the OP’s updates before giving advice!’

Cunningfungus · 25/01/2025 09:04

BadlyDrawnRoy · 25/01/2025 08:31

You're really asking what you should do? I think you know the answer, as hard as it might be now, it's the only thing you can do. Boot him out.

Read the full thread!

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 25/01/2025 09:38

OP has not come back hope she’s ok!

MyTwinklyPanda · 25/01/2025 09:44

God, how awful. I think you have to go with worst case scenario and see how that makes you feel over the next weeks and months if you can cope that far down the road. He's cheated regardless of his version. He could have said no at any point and can't blame the drink or drugs.

Itrytobesensible · 25/01/2025 09:56

MyTwinklyPanda · 25/01/2025 09:44

God, how awful. I think you have to go with worst case scenario and see how that makes you feel over the next weeks and months if you can cope that far down the road. He's cheated regardless of his version. He could have said no at any point and can't blame the drink or drugs.

We are 24 pages in. Please read OP's updates about her discoveries since she first posted.

SI85 · 25/01/2025 10:01

Genuine question... Why don't people read the full thread before commenting? Surely if you have the time to comment you have the time to check all OP's posts on the thread. It's really annoying!

Cunningfungus · 25/01/2025 10:12

SI85 · 25/01/2025 10:01

Genuine question... Why don't people read the full thread before commenting? Surely if you have the time to comment you have the time to check all OP's posts on the thread. It's really annoying!

soooo bloody annoying and I'm not even the OP!

OneWittySquid · 25/01/2025 10:18

So sorry to read your updates op..I suspected it wasn't for the want of trying to sleep with her and that they were likely others. Atleast you know now whilst your young and you can make a fresh life for you and your child and in time meet someone who knows your worth.

At the moment it looks like words on page from people on here. You may wonder how can it get better when you feel like it's all ending. I know because I was you in my early 20s with a 1 year old, my ex was cheating and left me for his ex gf. I have been happily married to my dh for 10 years together 14 with another two kids I never looked back. It will get better slowly in time. Take one moment at a time.

Itsyourwifeymacrid · 25/01/2025 10:59

Oral sex is still sex it says it in the name Hun, however as you asked would a woman ever take someone back to hers and not sleep with her,damn right I have a few tins,that's when you see them for the rest person they are when there on there own and IV been put off in the past so it does happen but no matter what Hun he cheated just coz he didn't put it in her he still got sexually interested to get it hard for a blow job in the first place,now he's done this and sees you ok with it he will cheat all the time,time to get rid Hun

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 25/01/2025 11:00

RTFT! 😳

Itsyourwifeymacrid · 25/01/2025 11:00

SafeToUse · 22/01/2025 19:50

OP I'm heartbroken for you. Others have given some excellent advice about how to cope going forward, so I'll just wish you strength and all the best in the coming days and weeks.

To those posters speculating on what he did or didn't do - how on earth do you think this helps the OP? She's likely devastated right now, she doesn't need fresh images being planted in her mind!

Well the truth hurts sometimes but got to be done,cant have her been taken advantage of by a cheating scumbag now can we

Itrytobesensible · 25/01/2025 11:02

Itsyourwifeymacrid · 25/01/2025 10:59

Oral sex is still sex it says it in the name Hun, however as you asked would a woman ever take someone back to hers and not sleep with her,damn right I have a few tins,that's when you see them for the rest person they are when there on there own and IV been put off in the past so it does happen but no matter what Hun he cheated just coz he didn't put it in her he still got sexually interested to get it hard for a blow job in the first place,now he's done this and sees you ok with it he will cheat all the time,time to get rid Hun

He already has been cheating on multiple times. As you would know if you'd read OP's updates.

Wildflowers13 · 25/01/2025 11:04

How are you feeling? I'm aware you wanted advice but I just wanted to check in and see if your okay today.

Cunningfungus · 25/01/2025 11:21

Itsyourwifeymacrid · 25/01/2025 10:59

Oral sex is still sex it says it in the name Hun, however as you asked would a woman ever take someone back to hers and not sleep with her,damn right I have a few tins,that's when you see them for the rest person they are when there on there own and IV been put off in the past so it does happen but no matter what Hun he cheated just coz he didn't put it in her he still got sexually interested to get it hard for a blow job in the first place,now he's done this and sees you ok with it he will cheat all the time,time to get rid Hun

RTFT!!

Mummyto7lovelife · 25/01/2025 11:29

Sending you a hug, how awful for you and degrading he did this to his precious lady that has had his child recently.
Straight up, I couldn't deal with that I'm sorry text messaging maybe I would work through it, and porn ok but the fact he can remember these details and is blaming drugs no absolutely not, he remembered every detail and has enjoyed his time, and now feels guilty.
He will disrespect you again. It's up to you but sex or not that is sex what he did, and it's disgusting he has treated you that way! Absolutely not would I put up with that. You will be forever worried and wondering if you are good enough the list goes on.

Cunningfungus · 25/01/2025 11:30

Mummyto7lovelife · 25/01/2025 11:29

Sending you a hug, how awful for you and degrading he did this to his precious lady that has had his child recently.
Straight up, I couldn't deal with that I'm sorry text messaging maybe I would work through it, and porn ok but the fact he can remember these details and is blaming drugs no absolutely not, he remembered every detail and has enjoyed his time, and now feels guilty.
He will disrespect you again. It's up to you but sex or not that is sex what he did, and it's disgusting he has treated you that way! Absolutely not would I put up with that. You will be forever worried and wondering if you are good enough the list goes on.

Does anyone actually read the OP’s updates before posting!!! It’s driving me mad.

he’s cheated with others and she’s kicked him out!

Mummyto7lovelife · 25/01/2025 11:32

If he cheated multiple times leave he is disrespecting you and you deserve better than him!

Mummyto7lovelife · 25/01/2025 11:34

I got the notification on Google for the thread and read what I did shame it doesn't always update straight away. Maybe take your frustration elsewhere!