Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

[jasonandhannahbush]

I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just can’t keep quiet anymore. It seems like every parent I know is hopping on the “gentle parenting” bandwagon these days, and frankly, I don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should be shouting at our kids 24/7 or smacking them (before anyone tries to accuse me of that), but is it really so bad to say “no” every now and then? Or to expect kids to, you know, actually listen without needing a full 15 minute discussion about their feelings?

I’ve got a neighbour whose child throws tantrums every single day. Instead of saying, “Enough, let’s move on,” she sits there trying to “validate their emotions” while the kid screams their head off. I’m sorry, but life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes you’re told to stop, and you just stop. What’s next? Negotiating bedtime? Asking if it’s OK to give them broccoli?

And let’s not even get started on “natural consequences.” If my child tried to climb on the dining table, the “natural consequence” wouldn’t be letting them fall off it would be me telling them to get down before they break their neck!

AIBU to think this whole trend is just a bit soft? Kids need structure, rules, and discipline, not endless “discussions” about why hitting their sibling is wrong. I don’t want to raise kids who think the world will coddle them every time they throw a wobbly.

Anyway, feel free to tell me I’m horrible, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this, right?

(Posting here because if I said this in real life, I’d probably get lynched at the school gates!)

I think you’re getting muddled up with passive parenting.

I agree with you. I think we’re already seeing the results of shift towards child centred parenting in the last couple of decades and I’m as guilty of it as anyone. I look around now and see a generation who think the world owes them something and who don’t have the resilience to deal with rejection and disappointment. Sweeping generalisation obviously and certainly not true of all young people, but I think it’s a definite trend.

I don’t think I am, actually. Gentle parenting is passive parenting in disguise if you ask me. It’s all well and good to dress it up with fancy terms like “emotional regulation” or “collaborative problem solving,” but at the end of the day, if you’re not setting firm boundaries or saying no without a long winded explanation, what’s the difference?

I’m not suggesting kids should be ignored or treated harshly, but there’s a fine line between teaching empathy and letting them walk all over you. I see it all the time parents bending over backwards to “reason” with a toddler who’s throwing a tantrum over something ridiculous. Surely there’s a point where you just say, “That’s enough,” and move on?

I’m happy to be corrected if someone can explain the difference properly, but to me, it feels like a lot of fluff that ends up with kids running the show.

Everyone is the problem - including you! Thinking they have a monopoly on what good parenting looks like and it's really harmful and damaging because, shockingly, what works for one child won't work for another.

People listen to 'gentle parenting' experts who tend to have children who respond to that method, and then are confused when their children don't respond the same way. It's why it looks very passive, but often they're following word for word what someone has recommended as worked for them.

They're confusing children with mini adults. Children don't need hours of explanations and therapising, they need firm, consistent boundaries. They're bringing up a generation of insufferable navel gazers.

So you think something that isn’t gentle parenting, proves that gentle parenting is bad. We follow gentle parenting, our children are both well behaved, well mannered and patient for their age (can survive being bored when its required).

The main focus of gentle parenting is having very clear, consistent and firm boundaries. I’m not sure where you’re getting hours of explanations or therapising from.

Passive parenting is when you let the kids do what they want with no consequences. Gentle parenting is restorative instead of punishments. Honestly the people you’re pissed with are not the gentle parents. They’re the ones pretending to practice it but actually they’re just fucking useless and feckless.

Gentle parenting drives me mad!! Have seen the same as you describe OP, people reasoning with a toddler throwing a tantrum, giving in to demands. My own fairly young children have commented on it and wondered why the parents aren’t putting in boundaries. I have one child who really needs boundaries and thrives off them so maybe I’m biased but my other child is more sensitive and still feels safe knowing what the rules and expectations are. I tend to avoid spending too much time with friends who parent in this way

It's a reaction to the shittier and more neglectful end of 1970s and 1980s boomer and silent generation parenting of Gen X and Y.

Before you criticise today's parents of younger children, remember that they have not had to have an entire series of public information films made on such basic parenting as:

-Knowing where your kids are
-Tell your kids to tell you where they are going
-Stranger danger in various guises
-Don't let them play on railway lines, pylons, in a gravel pit, or on the white lines in the middle of the road
-Maybe it's a good idea if you tell them not to throw fireworks

If X and Y are universally not good parents, maybe they didn't get such a great example from older generations?

I agree with you. My niece is "gentle parenting" her two children (4 and 3). Last week she had family round for Sunday lunch, 8 adults were sitting round the table trying to eat while the 2 children climbed on the table and ran up and down it.
Nothing was said, as "we don't say no". Both children are allowed to do as they like because "the world needs all kinds of children, not just good ones".

The main focus of gentle parenting is having clear, consistent and firm boundaries. So a bit odd to claim something is gentle parenting, when it isn’t gentle parenting. The word you are looking for is permissive.

Two children ran up and down a table people were eating on and no one said anything?

So she isn’t using gentle parenting, so a bit odd to claim she is.

This isn't gentle parenting, it's permissive/lazy parenting.

What you’ve described isn’t my understanding of gentle parenting OP.

The parents acted like it wasn't happening. Grandparents told them to stop it and were told we don't say no.

I think it’s great that gentle parenting seems to be working for you and your family, but my point is that I don’t think it’s a one size fits all approach. Just because it works for some people doesn’t mean it’s the best or most practical method for everyone.

Also, I wasn’t saying that an example of something not being gentle parenting proves the method is bad I’m saying that the way I’ve seen it applied (or misapplied) in real life makes me question its effectiveness in general. Maybe it’s down to interpretation, but when I see parents endlessly “negotiating” or failing to set clear boundaries, it makes me wonder whether gentle parenting just gives an excuse to avoid tough decisions.

It’s brilliant that your children are well-behaved and patient honestly, I mean that but surely that’s not just down to gentle parenting? Could it also just be their temperament, or the way you balance it with structure and clear expectations?

I’m not trying to knock anyone personally, but I can’t help feeling like it all sounds great on paper, while in practice, it often looks like chaos.

They can pay their way or fuck off. Pay their way is a lot less than rent nowadays.

That's what they call it. There are two parents so it isn't just "she".

Surely there was food and crockery flying everywhere?

Their parents call it gentle parenting.

So what is the type of parenting called where parents are constantly validating their child's feelings? As in saying to a tantrumming toddler 'I can see you are having big feelings, shall we talk about it when you're feeling better?' Which sounds great, but toddlers don't care about you validating their feelings. They want that chocolate and they want it now and talking about it when the chocolate is no longer there isn't really going to be appropriate...

I've got five kids. Two would have worked well under gentle parenting, one needed VERY firm boundaries, and two would have destroyed the house if I hadn't watched their every move all the time. So my parenting was a general mix and match across the board type - how can you parent gently if you've got more than one child and gentle parenting doesn't suit both?

Their feet went into some of the food, yes, but it's a very big table

That's permissive parenting.

A gentle parent has firm boundaries,but enforces then without shouting, hitting and getting angry.