Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

[jasonandhannahbush]

I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just can’t keep quiet anymore. It seems like every parent I know is hopping on the “gentle parenting” bandwagon these days, and frankly, I don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should be shouting at our kids 24/7 or smacking them (before anyone tries to accuse me of that), but is it really so bad to say “no” every now and then? Or to expect kids to, you know, actually listen without needing a full 15 minute discussion about their feelings?

I’ve got a neighbour whose child throws tantrums every single day. Instead of saying, “Enough, let’s move on,” she sits there trying to “validate their emotions” while the kid screams their head off. I’m sorry, but life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes you’re told to stop, and you just stop. What’s next? Negotiating bedtime? Asking if it’s OK to give them broccoli?

And let’s not even get started on “natural consequences.” If my child tried to climb on the dining table, the “natural consequence” wouldn’t be letting them fall off it would be me telling them to get down before they break their neck!

AIBU to think this whole trend is just a bit soft? Kids need structure, rules, and discipline, not endless “discussions” about why hitting their sibling is wrong. I don’t want to raise kids who think the world will coddle them every time they throw a wobbly.

Anyway, feel free to tell me I’m horrible, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this, right?

(Posting here because if I said this in real life, I’d probably get lynched at the school gates!)

My sister is a gentle parent and it’s worked well with her 2 girls but it has had a negative impact on her son, who has a different personality and always gets his own way doing what he wants and she does everything to avoid him having a meltdown. I do think she should have adjusted it to suit his personality and this child she has made a rod for her own back. My two children have completely different personalities and respond differently to boundaries, one of them doesn’t often push boundaries much and the other does nothing but push boundaries.

I see why she does it, she doesn’t like shouting and we were shouted at (and smacked) so she decided to do gentle parenting so they had good self esteem. Her girls are is lovely well behaved children who listen to explanations and if I babysit them I do not have to say no to them very much as they are receptive to an explanation. The boy though doesn’t eat properly, lives on snacks, is addicted to TV and gaming consoles and I worry about him in the real world.

For example: we all go out for the day and decide to go for lunch in a city centre. We spend 10 mins checking out the restaurants and make a decision to go to one that has a broad range of foods everyone will like. We get inside he has a tantrum. So we leave and go to a different one. He doesn’t like that either but we are all starving hungry so we sit down and one of his parents takes him to a 3rd place to get fast food and we all eat separately.

I've no opinions on the nomenclature - gentle/passive blah blah. One thing I do notice in nieces and nephews is how often they slap their parents/siblings with zero consequence. Kid was told no, he slaps Mother. She says "that's not nice" and is slapped again multiple times. Toddler smacks baby over head, she cries, parents say "that's not nice". No consequences means baby continually hit because toddler had no consequences. I do realise I'm old school and not claiming that's any better. My toddler would slap me once, and never again. We can learn a lot from watching how dogs and cats rear their young. They don't shy away from discipline when they need to.

It comes down to how a parent defines parenting. Is the job at hand to prepare the child for independent, healthy, happy living in the world as an adult, or is it to always be their best friend and avoid conflict at all cost? The latter is how you create an arsehole husband for some woman down the line!

@Caiti19 I think her and her DH are sexist. Good little girls who behave and a boy allowed to do what he wants. I do love my newphew it’s not his fault but he is going to be a selfish adult. Even when we eat a family dinner he will just leave the table and nothing is said but the girls stay and they don’t get praise either

Caiti19

This is true. I've got several friends who tolerated their child hitting them a lot. A lot of saying their child did this due to "emotional disregulation" or "meltdowns due to overwhelm" and saying they needed to allow their child to treat them as their "safe person" ~punching bag~. It was one thing with 2 & 3 year olds but now they have large, strong 8 year olds punching them and they are trying to rein it in with firmer parenting but it's too late, they've lost a lot of the physical advantage they had to correct years of bad habits.its much easier to safely restrain & redirect younger/smaller children whom you can easily lift or hold. This sort of behaviour has to be corrected much younger, too many people overestimate their childs comprehension of long winded explanations but underestimate their childs ability to learn cause/effect at a young age.

I don't even understand tolerating all the general crawling all over and flailing about some kids do.

I had my 3 year old round at a friend's house and her 2 year old was clambering all over her. He wasn't just sitting in her lap for a cuddle, he was all over her pushing her face, fingers in her mouth, messing her hair, nearly poking her in the eye or hitting her in the face with toys.

She was just talking over this to me and sort of trying to avoid a poke in the eye. It's really distracting trying to have a conversation through that.

I wanted to say "would you just bloody well put him down and tell him to go and play!"

Yes, it's really interesting how parents react to same behaviour in girls V boys. Probably worthy of a thesis by itself!

There seems to be an imbalance. In the past it was more , you do as your parents tell you and that's that no ifs, buts or questions. Now it's shifted to everything is centered around the child. I understand it's good to listen to children and validate emotions and feelings but I think it's gone too far. I recall a child around 6 making these horrendous screeching noises in a public place. The mother got down on her knee, looking deeply into the child's eyes and said I can see you are having big emotions and talking about the different names of the emotions and how its normal and it's good to let it out and just comforting them making this awful screaming noise repeatedly. I just thought seriously!!! I've seen a lot of this type of thing , a parent says a firm NO and the child can't handle it and it's there there I understand this big emotion that I've said no etc...

Agree 100% with your last sentence re overestimation/underestimation. Children test boundaries. It's our job to guide them with our responses. I recall when my son was 3, he flung a wrapper from something on the ground. I told him to pick it up and put it in the bin. He looked at me and said no, I repeated the instruction, he repeated no. I gently lifted him and held him silently in place beside the paper until he got so frustrated/bored, he decided to pick it up. No waffly explanations, but he understood I was in charge. My children have never slapped me, but I've seen so many younger Mums being slapped by their children. It's such a fundamental breach of respect, I don't understand how parents think letting it slide has no consequences.

Can you imagine what nightmares they’ll be for some poor teacher once they start school? 😱

It isn’t, it’s definitely your perception that’s the issue

So you'd probably think that I'm a lazy parent when you see my 15 year old "tantruming" that he doesn't want to go to school. You'd have probably felt the same every time you'd seen me for the last 15 years.

But I don't I have a nuerodiverse child who gets overwhelmed with the world around them but not overwhelmed enough that he isn't in mainstream education. And also is way too intelligent for me to even contemplate homeschooling.

That person who you see talking through a "tantrum" could actually be trying to get their special needs child to come through a crisis - because no amount of shouting or saying that's it enough is going to stop it until that child's brain is ready.

And yes I'm aware that 90% of tantrums you are in public are just that and not a autistic meltdown but when it's strangers in the street you don't know which it is so stop judging!

I was annoyed at my cousins child when they came over. She's 8 and walked past my sleeping dog and kicked him for no reason whatsoever.

I said in a sharp but raised voice "don't you kick my dog! You wouldn't like it if I kicked you would you?" which is what I would have said if my own child kicked the dog.

Cousin went apeshit about my aggressive parenting. She was talking in this sweet fluffy voice saying "now we don't kick dogs because animals are our friends and we have to be respectful of them" etc., while the child was dancing and twirling about. When I pointed out she wasn't even listening, my cousin said the child was "expressing her frustrations through the medium of dance".

I'd really struggle to keep a straight face in that situation.

I’m cynical as hell about gentle parenting but even I have to concede that the above is not gentle parenting by any means.

A gentle parent would probably say they had no impulse control and couldn’t help kicking the dog so remove them from the situation. But they wouldn’t punish.

I’m not sure what I’d do actually, I’ve sometimes had to tell my four year old to leave the cats alone but it isn’t malicious; more over affection. (Luckily cats are very tolerant.)

At 8 years old I'd be really concerned if they lacked the impulse control to not kick a dog. That's forgivable in a toddler but at 8 I'd be worried about what else they were capable of.

Well, I agree and I think impulse control starts a lot earlier than gentle parenting claims, but I’m honestly not sure how I’d respond to an eight year old kicking a dog intentionally (not just tripping or being careless.)

On the few occasions I’ve seen this happen no one expects the child to get changed outside, that would be a concern. Normally parent arrives with child in pjs via the office, a member of staff meets them, the parent passes over the uniform and the kid goes and gets themselves dressed as they realised they’re at school and want their uniform.

There are lots of parents who misapply it - the whole point of gentle parenting is to set boundaries. For example, we didn't baby proof, we taught our kids to respect our things and their things. If my kid kicks off because they wanted no sauce on their pasta or fancied chocolate for breakfast, if I yell at them it makes them more upset or they laugh at it. If I give them a cuddle and ask what's it about, they tell me and either I resolve it (some plain pasta on the side), tell them off and give them an immediate consequence (no tv or no dummy) or explain why.

It's not perfect, no parenting is, but you just come off judgement of everyone trying to find their way. Yelling isn't nice for anyone

Agreed. And the world isn't going to bend to them when they start school.

I’ve always parented in a gentle manner. Not passively but gentle. Before gentle parenting became a thing as my oldest is almost an adult. I do not shout. I do not punish. I do not get upset when my children tantrum (only youngest now). Most adults can’t regulate their own feelings, how do we expect children to?
Gentle parenting for me is no shouting and no punishing but it’s also helping children to regulate their feelings. It’s a skill they have to learn that we must teach them. Punishment doesn’t teach regulation, it teaches shame and repression of feelings.

No rod for my back here, older teens are doing well in school and have lots of friends, they are settled and happy at home. They are self aware with awareness of others. Youngest is little still.

This would likely mean a pronged period of them kicking off or whinging about being in their pyjamas and wanting their clothes now whilst we're either walking to school or waiting for the gates to open. Not a pleasant thought for anyone's blood pressure.

Or… tell me you don’t know what gentle parenting is - here’s a hint, it’s not never saying no. So even if they say it’s gentle parenting, it’s not, it’s permissive.

Definitely! I’m not suggesting it as a solution, on the occasions where my son has refused to go to school/get dressed etc I have insisted- this has made him and me late (thankfully I have an understanding boss). I was merely commenting on not expecting a child to get changed outside.
The occasions I have seen it happen the child has been late precisely because the parent it insisting they get dressed and go to school so they’ve not been stood waiting at the gates. I am only speaking from what I’ve seen so I’m not saying it couldn’t happen that a child is stood at the gates in their pjs.

Most of these examples are poor parenting not “gentle” parenting. My kids would never do those things. And we use the word no. In general I’m a yes parent but no has its place. Passive and bad parenting for most above examples.