Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

[jasonandhannahbush]

I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just can’t keep quiet anymore. It seems like every parent I know is hopping on the “gentle parenting” bandwagon these days, and frankly, I don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should be shouting at our kids 24/7 or smacking them (before anyone tries to accuse me of that), but is it really so bad to say “no” every now and then? Or to expect kids to, you know, actually listen without needing a full 15 minute discussion about their feelings?

I’ve got a neighbour whose child throws tantrums every single day. Instead of saying, “Enough, let’s move on,” she sits there trying to “validate their emotions” while the kid screams their head off. I’m sorry, but life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes you’re told to stop, and you just stop. What’s next? Negotiating bedtime? Asking if it’s OK to give them broccoli?

And let’s not even get started on “natural consequences.” If my child tried to climb on the dining table, the “natural consequence” wouldn’t be letting them fall off it would be me telling them to get down before they break their neck!

AIBU to think this whole trend is just a bit soft? Kids need structure, rules, and discipline, not endless “discussions” about why hitting their sibling is wrong. I don’t want to raise kids who think the world will coddle them every time they throw a wobbly.

Anyway, feel free to tell me I’m horrible, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this, right?

(Posting here because if I said this in real life, I’d probably get lynched at the school gates!)

@jasonandhannahbush
“And let’s not even get started on “natural consequences.” If my child tried to climb on the dining table, the “natural consequence” wouldn’t be letting them fall off it would be me telling them to get down before they break their neck!”

So letting a child fall off the table isn’t natural consequences, that’s neglectful parenting! How I see natural consequences is that they are ‘logical’ consequences. For example, two kids who are fighting over a toy and can’t figure out how to play with it together, I would take the toy away and say that they can have it back once they’ve figured out a plan for how they are going to share it/play together with it. This way, they are actually learning something; be that understanding that fighting over a thing means that said thing is removed or they are learning important life skills like problem solving and collaboration!

So I would consider myself a gentle parent and I get stressed and angry at times, which I think is normal and healthy. I think it’s important to show kids that safely expressed anger is really healthy. So I try to put my anger into words; tell them I’m feeling angry about something, which may be something that they did! I remember my DD bit my leg through my trousers when she was about 3 (I think she was checking where my limits were!) and it made me cross and I told her so (without frightening her or acting it out!). I think it would have been weird for me to not feel anger in that situation. What are your thoughts on that? Just curious; not meant in any way goady

There’s a few things you’ve said that actually give away that you don’t understand what gp is and are confusing it with passive parenting. Gentle parents do say no, and do hold boundaries. They just coach kids through their feelings and are respectful towards children. Parents who never say no, or don’t hold boundaries are in fact passive parents.

Just lately,I think gentle/passive parenting is practised by the majority of parents who frequent my favourite coffee shop. The last half dozen times I've been there,my visit has been ruined by kids running around the shop,screaming just for hell of it and climbing on tables while their parents sit smiling benignly at them,totally oblivious to the fact that their little darlings are pissing everyone off. Today,I ended up putting my air pods in and listening to music as I feared my ear drums were going to rupture from the non-stop screeching and screaming from 3 particular kids. And I would add,they WERE old enough to know better. Probably aged between 6 and 8.

This is where that comes from:

Its not good for society which requires that we focus on collective good & often requires us to make sacrifices for those more in need.

If traditional parenting achieved this, there wouldn't be so many boomers and Gen Xers complaining about people receiving benefits.

The argument being that society focuses on common good and making sacrifices for those in need and gentle parenting disrupting that - my argument is that the majority of those complaining about the welfare system - the system that requires we focus on collective good and make sacrifices for those more in need - are from generations raised "traditionally".

You are misrepresenting public information films.
First the BBC used to have a specialist unit that made public information films. We no longer het the ones aimed at adults either about basic common sense, because the unit no longer exists.
Secondly the films you mention were not aimed at adults, but at children. Because the more neglectful end of parents could not be trusted to supervise their kids.
The stranger danger films were the old equivalent of NSPCC pants films. That is when the adults responsible still saw child sexual abuse as the stranger lurking in the dark alley, rather than the reality of family members or family friends.

As a nursery teacher, we should be telling children why we are telling them something.

Just no doesn’t work in the long run. They will keep doing it. Explaining why gives them an understanding over time. Personally, in my nursery, we rarely say no shouting/running/hitting and instead say the behaviour we do want. Usually if we can, we will also redirect them to where they can do the thing. If they’re running or shouting inside, let’s go outside and do it there instead.

Indoor voice please
Indoor feet to keep you safe
Kind hands, hitting hurts your friends/me/whoever

Positive language and redirection :)

When mine were toddlers I'd give an explanation but usually quite a brief one, no that's not safe, for example. I've never been convinced by the long wordy things promoted by gentle parenting.

The biggest problem with gentle parenting is it's shit name, meaning people criticising it and half the people attempting to do it don't properly understand what it is.
There are 4 basic parenting types, gentle parenting is a modern take on authoritative (not to be confused with authoritarian)
It's supposed to be be clear boundaries, enforced, but in a way that understands a kids level of development and that they are people with big feelings that they often don't know how to regulate.
If they are trying to talk/negotiate with a toddler in a tantrum, they are already doing it wrong. A child of that age cannot access the logic/learning whilst that emotional, talking at them if anything is probably prolonging it.
My child (and I) are ADHD there were a lot of meltdowns from inability to regulate when he was younger. He would get told " I can't let you do x" and removed to a safe place and then told he can have a cuddle when he was ready. I sat with until he was calm (occasionally offered a cuddle. Once he was fully calm, we would then discuss the behaviour and when a bit older given an appropriate consequence if the behaviour in meltdown was particularly bad.

The message should consistently be the feelings are ok, the behaviour is not, eg. It's understandable that made you mad, but you can't hit your sister etc etc

Permissive parenting with no accountability isn't great, kids thrive with clear consistent boundaries and unfortunately cos of the rubbish name "gentle parenting" people don't really understand the difference.

100%!!!! although i'd call it "can't be arsed parenting". My kids are in their 20's and I'd if I said no, it meant no, I wouldn't go back on it, ever. I work in a school and honestly the kids today are unbelievable. Its clearly obvious the kids who are never told no and get their own way ALL the time, they literally can do nothing for themselves and have a meltdown if they don't get their own way. I dread to think what this world is going to be like when these primary kids become adults and parents!

I think there will be a major backlash against "gentle parenting" in coming years. People are going to revert back to traditional parenting that raised children to be ready to make their way in the world.

The problem in my opinion is, those who claim to use gentle parenting don't actually know what it is and use it as an excuse for lazy poor parenting.

Kids need boundaries in place. They push them, which they should and you teach them why they can't do x,y or z.

I think they need both. Firm, consistent but limited boundaries. Absolute no actions such as hurting someone else or deliberate destruction, but for most of the rest, I want a child who questions with respect and listens to logic. It's got to be age appropriate but there's a difference between treating them as mini adults and treating them as people with feelings and opinions.

What if you were wrong? I'm not perfect and my kids know that sometimes I make mistakes, apologise and change my mind when I'm wrong. (They also know that there are times when it's put up or shut up and that we can discuss it later)

None of my children respond to ‘gentle parenting’ my children are savage 😂 No means no, arguing back or answering back results in a consequence. Some things are negotiable, some are not. They are extremely well behaved in public but will push my buttons at home 😂. I agree some of these ‘gentle parents’ are raising self entitled brats.

No means no in gentle parenting as is the idea that some things are non negotiable

consistent firm clear boundaries are a cornerstone of it - it is how those are enforced in a clear and calm manner and getting them to understand why