Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

[jasonandhannahbush]

I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just can’t keep quiet anymore. It seems like every parent I know is hopping on the “gentle parenting” bandwagon these days, and frankly, I don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should be shouting at our kids 24/7 or smacking them (before anyone tries to accuse me of that), but is it really so bad to say “no” every now and then? Or to expect kids to, you know, actually listen without needing a full 15 minute discussion about their feelings?

I’ve got a neighbour whose child throws tantrums every single day. Instead of saying, “Enough, let’s move on,” she sits there trying to “validate their emotions” while the kid screams their head off. I’m sorry, but life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes you’re told to stop, and you just stop. What’s next? Negotiating bedtime? Asking if it’s OK to give them broccoli?

And let’s not even get started on “natural consequences.” If my child tried to climb on the dining table, the “natural consequence” wouldn’t be letting them fall off it would be me telling them to get down before they break their neck!

AIBU to think this whole trend is just a bit soft? Kids need structure, rules, and discipline, not endless “discussions” about why hitting their sibling is wrong. I don’t want to raise kids who think the world will coddle them every time they throw a wobbly.

Anyway, feel free to tell me I’m horrible, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this, right?

(Posting here because if I said this in real life, I’d probably get lynched at the school gates!)

They can call it what they like, it doesn’t change the fact that what they’re doing is not gentle parenting.

Tit for tat...?

She hits you, you hit her back
She throws food, you throw food
She shouts at you in anger, you shout back
She runs away from you in the car park, so you run away from her.

I was a parent educator and “gentle(ish) parent. I was very strict and had firm consequences for breaking boundaries. I think a lot of people misunderstand what gentle parenting is. It IS having boundaries and expectations. It is having consequences for poor behaviour - natural where possible. But the natural consequence of stepping in the road without looking is to get run over and, ideally, parenting should step in before that.

its “time in” rather than time out. Although childrem reach an age where time in their bedroom to decompress is far more beneficial
to them than sitting next to mum 🤣.

a lot of parents interpret it to be soft. Child isn’t working hard at school, let’s drill
down to why. No let’s not, it’s mostly because it’s more fun being an ass so their needs to be a consequence for poor decisions and failing your GCSE’s is far too abstract and “in the future”. Losing your electronics works just fine. Not wholly natural but I’m no purist.

I can see that it's very easy to go from validating feelings to making a child think only their feelings matter

What really does validating feelings mean in gentle parenting terms
"I can see you are cross but you can't do that" ?

My generation (millennials) are the ones who appear to have collectively decided that the way we were raised wasnt actually that great and we want to do it differently.

I, and everyone i know my age has had to have therapy to deal with their childhood. I'll take my chances with gentle parenting my own children in the hope they turn out better than i did.

Ah, lovely, so pain to control behaviour. “If I do that mummy/daddy will hurt me”.

All that talking about what big feelings have been brought up by having to put your shoes on and leave the house. Or having to sit at their level and debate and negotiate the merits of wearing shoes outside. Sometimes you just need to put them into their shoes and coat and go because they aren't the centre of the universe.

So not gentle parenting, but something you have personally decided is included in your personal definition of gentle parenting.

I just can't be bothered with the labels.

Then they are wrong.

They can call it what they want, but it doesn't make it so.

I can tell Mr Sainsbury that this blue note with £5 written on it is actually a purple one with £20 written on it. It wouldn't make it so.

You can now correct her and tell her the term she is looking for is not "gentle parenting" it's "shit lazy parenting"

The biggest problem with gentle parenting is that it doesn't teach children how the real world works. There are punitive consequences to all of our actions.

A worker who throws a tantrum over being made to do something they don't want to isn't going to have a long explanation or negotiation, they get fired. If you break the speed limit, you get fined. If you hit someone, you get a criminal record. If you don't pay your taxes because you couldn't be bothered, you go to jail.

We have a generation of children who think that their behaviour is not their fault. Restorative conversations rather than swift action in school. Endless attempts to cajole students while the rest of the class suffers. I am forever trying to squish the "I just cannot control my emotions yet" phrase one of my own seems to have picked up from school - no, you are giving yourself excuses. Here are some strategies that help, try those. Children are not taught to take responsibility; they are taught that when they do something wrong another adult will come and sort the situation with, and often for, them.

Yeah... Abusive.

Not something to be proud of, tbh.

The problem with these discussions is that it always ends up as a ‘no true scotsman’ argument (‘that’s not real gentle parenting, that’s permissive parenting!’ etc). But in real life, everyone i’ve ever met who feels the need to give their parenting a title in this way is, in fact, teaching their child that it’s ok to override other people’s physical boundaries, ignore their ‘no’, and prioritise their own needs. That’s just my personal experience of people who self-describe as gentle parents.

I say this as someone who agrees with the underlying principles of ‘gentle parenting’ - to me it’s just ‘parenting’ and it’s how i was brought up. I’m vehemently anti-smacking, never shout at my DC, and always explain why they can’t do something if it’s feasible to do so. But they have clear boundaries and consequences, and know that they are not the centre of the universe and that sometimes their mum wants personal space or needs them to be quiet or has her own feelings and needs. I feel that both extremes (authoritarian, aggressive parenting and parenting that lacks boundaries and discipline) aren’t good for children’s long-term social and personal development.

I'm not a gentle parenting parent, but IMO your neighbour's kid wouldn't stop the tantrum at the other approach either – kids are who they are and some are more headstrong and tantrumy than others. Emotional regulation is, by and large, a maturity issue – not a parenting one at that age.

Also, natural consequences are not meant to be used in dangerous situations. They are meant to be used for things like not putting on your coat = getting cold, or not getting your school stuff together = getting in trouble with teacher.

What your describing isn’t gentle parenting.

No that's something I have read about in gentle parenting books and seen on blogs.

For what it's worth I think that there are times when talking to your kids about emotions is worthwhile, just not in the middle of a tantrum.

YABU because, as mentioned by quite a few others already, most of these examples are not the result of gentle parenting. Yes they might call it that, they can call it what they like but it isn’t actually gentle parenting.

Perhaps if you (and the parents who wrongly claim to be gentle parenting) researched what gentle parenting is or saw it in action properly, then you would see that it is about setting clear and consistent boundaries (including of course, saying no!) You absolutely can say no when gentle parenting. So yes, YABU as what you are seeing is lazy and permissive parenting.

Calling something gentle parenting doesn’t make it so - that is all about healthy boundaries and respect

permissive/passive parenting is an issue gentle is not (if done following the right principles of understanding empathy and respect)

it also can involve saying no just not in a blunt way so you still reinforce boundaries etc

Lol at conflicting 'parenting methods'. My parents called it 'having kids' and it was just getting though each day alive and fed.

I've tried to do better for my own son but I have sisters in law who think I'm doing a crap job. I'm not convinced about some of what I see in their houses either but nobody's asking me are they.

Let it go.

No gentle parenting thinks you should try to reason in the middle of a tantrum...

They will suggest you help them by being with them etc. and Ince calm talk about it.

Am I the only one thinking that if you take the implications of this literally it means the parents were saying their children were bad, and that the world needed bad children?

Im sure they didn't actually think through the implications :D

Then I'll tell them that a MN expert says they're doing it wrong (as if that wasn't obvious to everyone).

The sitting and talking calm stuff at them approach has never worked for me. My preference is to not give the tantrum attention and wait until they are calm enough to talk or need a hug.

I'm not overly gentle but examples you've given aren't really how it works. The natural consequence of climbing the dining table isn't falling off, it would be not being allowed to play in that room (because they've shown they can't be safe there), if that means there bigger toys need packing away for a bit because we then don't have space for them, so be it. I don't see why you think a random unrelated consequence like no TV would be more effective then a consequence connected to the behaviour.

Your other points are just weird. Why wouldn't I ask them if they wanted broccoli? If they fancy cauliflower instead it's no extra effort to grab the next packet over in the freezer, as long as there's a couple of vegetables on the plate I don't really care which they have. What would be the advantage of saying they have to like/fancy exactly the same veg I do, other then just being controlling. I also don't expect my DH or friends I have lunch with to eat/order the exact same meal.

Fear based parenting 👍