Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

[jasonandhannahbush]

I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just can’t keep quiet anymore. It seems like every parent I know is hopping on the “gentle parenting” bandwagon these days, and frankly, I don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should be shouting at our kids 24/7 or smacking them (before anyone tries to accuse me of that), but is it really so bad to say “no” every now and then? Or to expect kids to, you know, actually listen without needing a full 15 minute discussion about their feelings?

I’ve got a neighbour whose child throws tantrums every single day. Instead of saying, “Enough, let’s move on,” she sits there trying to “validate their emotions” while the kid screams their head off. I’m sorry, but life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes you’re told to stop, and you just stop. What’s next? Negotiating bedtime? Asking if it’s OK to give them broccoli?

And let’s not even get started on “natural consequences.” If my child tried to climb on the dining table, the “natural consequence” wouldn’t be letting them fall off it would be me telling them to get down before they break their neck!

AIBU to think this whole trend is just a bit soft? Kids need structure, rules, and discipline, not endless “discussions” about why hitting their sibling is wrong. I don’t want to raise kids who think the world will coddle them every time they throw a wobbly.

Anyway, feel free to tell me I’m horrible, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this, right?

(Posting here because if I said this in real life, I’d probably get lynched at the school gates!)

I don't mind the parts of gentle parenting that talk about realistic and age appropriate expectations. At least I took something useful from that.

The parts I couldn't stomach were the long psychobabble monologues that you are supposed to give when they are not putting their shoes on. If anything I noticed that I was more likely to lose my shit with them after doing once of the scripts they give you, probably because they made me feel like a right twat.

Their parents call it gentle parenting.

I have two friends who are preschool teachers. They have seen about ten cohorts pass through their classrooms since gentle parenting became a thing. They are both of the opinion that this is the other side of the child abuse coin.

They are exhausted from trying to ensure the children they teach emerge from their classrooms with a basic understanding that they are not the centre of the universe, and from trying to get through to them that little Tommy's bloody nose and his feelings about it matter far more than the feelings they had while they walloped him with the toy truck.

These children are brought up to believe that their feelings are all that matters, usually by parents who hold a smug belief that they are doing parenting far better than their own parents did. They're not.

Negotiating and not setting boundaries is not gentle parenting, I’m not sure why you’re unable to understand that.

Structure and clear expectations? So two of the main focuses of gentle parenting. Temperament, they have both suffered significant trauma, one has ADHD, the other likely FASD.

Then they are mistaken.

i dont think i necessarily gentle parent - i do try to reason with my child (4yo) when theyre having a meltdown and try to explain my PoV. i do pick my battles when we are out and that means giving in at times.
i also dont think i'm a harsh parent - although at times i bribe my DC - 'bath time now or no dessert later', and sometimes threats 'if you dont tidy up your wheely toys and i trip on them they will go in the bin'. i do what i need to do on a day by day basis. we have a decent relationship and she thrives at nursery and is described as a happy and outgoing child. we make mistakes, we learn everyday.

i do understand that some people get annoyed at they way others parent. perhaps because they dont know the child and think their way would be better. i was once out with another couple who allowed their child to throw things around in a restaurant while there were people eating nearby. i thought they should be telling their DC off, but later thought he's not my kid and is otherwise a happy and well behaved child. maybe the parents thought its best to avoid a huge tantrum and that he would get bored throwing things around - which he did. i think we shouldnt judge so fast. OP its not a dig at you or anyone else. its for everyone inc myself

But it isn’t gentle parenting, so its frankly bizarre to use it as your basis as whether or not you like gentle parenting. Apologies for calling your niece she.

Well, they're wrong.

Overly strict performative parenting in public is also a pita

So people are misdescribing a parenting method and you’re angry with the effective parenting method they’re not using 🙇‍♀️

I totally agree. They get to school dysfunctional and have no regard for rules. I really love the idea but in practice it rarely works. We just end up with confused children

What are these long psychobabble monologues that gentle parenting supposedly involves?

That's still not gentle parenting...

I’ve got a neighbour whose child throws tantrums every single day. Instead of saying, “Enough, let’s move on,” she sits there trying to “validate their emotions” while the kid screams their head off. I’m sorry, but life doesn’t work like that

It absolutely does work like that if you have a child with additional needs.

That is absolutely not gentle parenting. That is permissive parenting.

I agree. This nicey nicey stuff is madnes.Be kind when kid is tearing round attacking other kids. Wtf.

Then they are mistaken.

So not gentle parenting, so why does something that isn’t gentle parenting form your friends views on gentle parenting.

Depends on your kids! My friend would lecture her kids about behaviour towards others, feelings, boundaries etc... and they would genuinely listen and then behave better. They are quite serious kids with quite a serious family.

Mine... pfffftttt!! They needed that short sharp "NO" and then some action. They wouldn't stop and listen and take in the lecture and empathise, they were too young - or too silly?!

The classic example was at soft play, my DD and her friend were throwing balls in the ball pit at other kids, it wasn't overly nasty but it wasn't nice either. We pulled the kids out and my friend administered her lecture, I tried to copy and it went in DD ear and out the other. Then my DD started to throw balls again and I had to firmly say, "No, don't you dare" and tell her quietly that if she did that again; she'd be out.

She knows I don't make empty threats so she then stopped. But when hearing about how the balls might hit someone and damage their feelings and self confidence blah blah... she was like "yeaaaah and?! 😒"

My niece is a she. If you read my comment properly you'd see that I said that there are two parents, so THEY are responsible for the children, not SHE.
They call it gentle parenting, whether you agree or not.

None of what you describe is any part of gentle parenting.

Passive neglectful parenting became a think since smart phones and iPads and working from home whilst trying to parent became things. It’s shit parenting. It’s not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is listening to your kids, engaging with them and actually parenting them.

Ooh it has been a good month or two since we had this debate on MN.

But yeah, OP, that is permissive parenting. They might call it gentle parenting but it isn’t.

I ‘gentle parent’ my child who has been through significant trauma and has complex SEN. Doesn’t mean he gets away with being a terror - there are consequences for his actions and he is generally very well behaved (now that he’s in a school where his needs are being met). I validated his feelings, whilst reminding him that lashing out and screaming was not ok. Calm but firm boundaries. He pretty much does what I ask of him because I respect him and he respects me.

A Fashionable parenting method that many people don't understand well enough to follow properly and when misapplied leads to lots of disadvantages for the child is a dangerous methodology

I must admit I can't quite get my head around what is actually is - only "it's not that"