Am I being unreasonable to think parents who use “gentle parenting” are just making rods for their own backs?

[jasonandhannahbush]

I know this is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just can’t keep quiet anymore. It seems like every parent I know is hopping on the “gentle parenting” bandwagon these days, and frankly, I don’t get it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should be shouting at our kids 24/7 or smacking them (before anyone tries to accuse me of that), but is it really so bad to say “no” every now and then? Or to expect kids to, you know, actually listen without needing a full 15 minute discussion about their feelings?

I’ve got a neighbour whose child throws tantrums every single day. Instead of saying, “Enough, let’s move on,” she sits there trying to “validate their emotions” while the kid screams their head off. I’m sorry, but life doesn’t work like that. Sometimes you’re told to stop, and you just stop. What’s next? Negotiating bedtime? Asking if it’s OK to give them broccoli?

And let’s not even get started on “natural consequences.” If my child tried to climb on the dining table, the “natural consequence” wouldn’t be letting them fall off it would be me telling them to get down before they break their neck!

AIBU to think this whole trend is just a bit soft? Kids need structure, rules, and discipline, not endless “discussions” about why hitting their sibling is wrong. I don’t want to raise kids who think the world will coddle them every time they throw a wobbly.

Anyway, feel free to tell me I’m horrible, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this, right?

(Posting here because if I said this in real life, I’d probably get lynched at the school gates!)

Totally agree. My friend’s daughter parented like this. Trying to reason with a tantruming toddler and trying to talk about how his tantrums were “upsetting mummy”!! Now he’s a total brat and no one can deal with him. He doesn’t have any issues, he has just never been taught boundaries and that bad behaviour has consequences. I don’t condone smacking children at all but you need to be their parent not their friend when they are growing up. Kids need boundaries and routine

Anyway, feel free to tell me I’m horrible, but I can’t be the only one who feels like this, right?

You are not alone OP. I have 3 boys, aged 34 18 and 17. Single parent. Yes I'm Gen X if that's relevant to anyone 🙄 They've all turned out absolutely fine, despite being given VERY firm boundaries and the occasional raised voice or a tap on the hand. I'm also a primary school teacher (private school, not in UK) and I have to say, the behaviour and entitlement of both children and parents gets worse every year. To the point where I question how much longer I can do a job I used to love. It's genuinely shocking, and I can't see it getting any better. Most of my colleagues (of different generations and with or without their own kids) say the same.

Think this comment is bob and gave me a bit of a laugh at the same time - bravo poster

Exactly. When I was a teenage mum I had a hard time with HV. My lovely GP phoned her on one occasion when he disagreed with what she had told me and I heard him telling her to "leave my babies alone.". She never spoke to me again. He then said I was doing everything well and told me to remember I was the expert on my baby.

I've always tried to remember that if someone parents in a different way to me. They are the expert with that child.

I would argue most parenting methods sound great on paper. Parents having the skills to adapt as need be is the issue. How we give parents the skills is also the issue? They are however skills needed in every day life and how as a community including skills people can have confidence, emotional regulation, mediation skills, etc etc is something we need to reflect on.

I hope the current review ordered re Southport will look at some of this. Sadly I am not holding my breath. We have struggled to parent our 2 who are adopted. Services have - in my opinion - empowered them, not us. I get them to CAMHS appointments for instance, they panick in the appointment don't engage - last one my daughter curled up in the chair and pulled her hood down - but apparently that's okay. They acknowledge she needs help. It would not be acceptable in any other medical discipline for the child to say FO and they discharge. Their job is to engage her but apparently we have to listen to the voice of the child.

Any technique is only as good as the way it's implemented. I think parents need to try what they are most comfortable with first as it's most likely to be successful. The truth is probalay that you need a little bit of a few for different scenarios and you need to be strong enough to follow the technique. As others have said gentle parenting is actually all about boundaries and sticking to them.

"Gentle parenting" produces very individualistic children who think their own feelings are always reasonable & valid

Everyone's feelings are valid. Gentle parenting encourages children to examine whether their feelings are reasonable, but they're allowed to feel those feelings first. It's easier to examine where they come from once the emotional rush is over.

are not very good at tolerating a small amount of disappointment, sadness etc for the collective good

"Traditionally-disciplined" children tolerate this out of fear of the consequences if they don't. Their tolerance doesn't develop naturally. It might take gentle parented children slightly longer to tolerate it, but they tolerate it because it's been explained to them that it's for the collective good, not because they're terrified of the punishment if they don't.

They tend to have zero sense of proportion because they've been taught that its valid to be devastated that their peas are green.

They learn that their emotions are fine to be felt and sometimes our brains make things out to be bigger than they really are. Don't fight the feeling in the moment, just go with it and examine it later - rather than repress the feelings because you'll get shouted at/smacked for it, and then they'll pop up when you really aren't ready for them later on.

They lack obedience and expect an explanation for everything, which is not always reasonable

I'm glad my child doesn't blindly obey everyone older than her; it keeps her safe. I'm also glad that she requests an explanation for things - not only does that also keep her safe, it makes me a better parent. It takes me five seconds to say "because it isn't safe to cross right now" if she was to ask me why we can't cross before the green man is lit. If I can't explain why I'm enforcing something, I have to question whether it's something I need to enforce.

and have an overwhelming sense of entitlement and their own individual importance.

My daughter knows that her voice matters and her feelings matter just as much as anyone else's. She knows that her behaviours and decisions impact on others and makes decisions with that in mind. Knowing your worth and recognising that you are entitled to be happy isn't a bad thing at all.

Its not good for society which requires that we focus on collective good & often requires us to make sacrifices for those more in need.

If traditional parenting achieved this, there wouldn't be so many boomers and Gen Xers complaining about people receiving benefits.

I think gentle parenting has become a bit confused with other approaches or even become a bit of an excuse for benign neglect and not parenting at all.
Gentle parenting as it’s meant to be done definitely does not mean no boundaries or discipline or prioritising empathy over all else. Actually, gentle parenting means you acknowledge the child’s feelings but don’t let them carry on doing as they please. Someone using a gentle parenting approach would be likely to say ‘I can see you really want to jump off that table but I can’t let you do that as you’ll hurt yourself’ while lifting them off. Or ‘I can tell you really want that toy and that’s hard, but Jack had it first so since you are having a hard time handing it back I’m going to take it and give it to him’. So there should still be firmness and boundaries, but the child’s feelings are always acknowledged. Natural consequences don’t come at the expense of the child’s safety either. If a parent lets a child fall off a table and says ‘I warned him, falling is a natural consequence’ then that’s not gentle parenting, that’s neglect. A gentle parent would say ‘you are having a hard time listening to me telling you to come down so I’m going to help you so you don’t get hurt’.
Its about the parent staying calm.

This!!! All the way ❤️

We also follow gentle parenting. I have two very well behaved, lovely and polite children.

That’s not saying they don’t test boundaries or have the occasional tantrum but shouting at them or not respecting them doesn’t solve anything and just ends up with all of us feeling angry/sad/deflated.

Rise in gentle parenting is coincidental with rise in childen with more problems such that schools are struggling - an inability to self regulate for example so no wonder people are asking questions

And to dismiss as "being neglectful" if a parent gets gentle parenting wrong seems to be putting the blame firmly on an individual.. hardly a society building thing

Boomers are afaik no more likely than any other generation to complain about people on benefits

Gentle parenting encourages emotional literacy and self regulation.

You may be thinking of permissive parenting, which has been covered numerous times in this thread.

What you have described isn’t gentle parenting.

You do say no. I do take my child of the table when she climbs up and say no. I just don’t don’t shout at her for doing so.

I gentle parented and am delighted with the rods I've created for my own back. I have respectful, resourceful, hard working children who I enjoy being around.

A lot of what people class as gentle parenting isn't, it's not about the kids running the roost, no consequences etc

None of the negative viewpoints accurately describe gentle parent though!

I’m not reading this whole thread but it’s quite clear that you don’t actually understand gentle parenting.

People who do it properly have boundaries around safety so the natural consequence you describe isn’t one we’d allow.

Try reading what it actually is instead of what you’ve made up in your head.

I love you 🥰 this is perfect

Absolutely nuts isn't it. These idiots are the same people who turn round when their teens are impossible and wondering what to do about it!

Also wtf is complaining about gentle parenting connected in any way to people moaning about others being on benefits?

You didn't get up and leave? I wouldn't be part of that shitshow.

I think a lot of permissive parents use “natural consequences” to mean “just let it happens and whatever happens naturally will be the consequence”. That isn’t at all what it’s supposed to be.

So running on a table - natural consequence isn’t to let them fall off, it is to remove them because it isn’t safe. A firm “you can’t run on the table it is dangerous/unhygienic/unsociable”, whatever reason is most fitting. It doesn’t require punishment, just removing them. If they try again, then “I’ve told you it isn’t safe and you aren’t listening to me so you can’t be in this room with the table, go play in your room/we’ll leave soft play” or whatever.

The best thing to do with a tantrum in child is refocus it onto something else. You can’t rationalise with a toddler re their emotions.

I didn't say I was there

@jasonandhannahbush are you familiar with Dr Becky Kennedy (American clinical psychologist)? I think she gets a really good balance here. She highlights just how crucial boundaries are and she is really thoughtful about supporting emotional regulation, not shaming kids and repair/reconnection.
i agree with you that boundaries are enormously important and at the same time I know that shaming children and dismissing their emotional experience is really damaging. I think it’s easy to polarise this discussion and make it about gentle vs authoritarian parents; whereas actually I think most of us are trying to do our best with what we know. I really like Dr Becky because I think she gets a good balance and her approach is informed by her knowledge of child development, attachment and trauma.
And one last point is that I don’t think we should be too quick to judge other people’s parenting. There are so many layers of complexity when it comes to parenting and different children respond so differently to the same intervention. I think a snapshot of my parenting could give the really wrong impression of how I am generally with my DCs - and also if I feel judged by another it really doesn’t help me to parent as I would like to.

Of course it does. My children are responsible for their behaviour and the consequences of it. No idea what type of parenting you are going on about as it doesn't sound like gentle parenting.

In nursery you don't have time to negotiate with every child over every single thing. No means no and stop means stop end of story.