To ask what your neurotypical view is… What is normal?!

[2024namechanger]

My children are currently being assessed and whilst we don’t have a diagnosis, my dd has a lot of medical involvement and we have been told to prepare for ASD diagnosis (absolutely welcome this for her). She is mid teens and I had no idea when she was a child. After going through the child developmental assessments I realise that this is large part due to:

Me really struggling with social development as a child, blaming my mother, and ensuring that I taught my daughter how to behave (read:mask)
Me assuming I am totally normal and telling my daughter x y z was normal - I’m like that too!
Me having absolutely no clue as to what life is like for the NT.

I have no diagnoses. I am certain I have ADHD and will probably get assessed as actually I think it’s making me unwell - I can’t switch my brain off. I have ND traits and would be surprised if this added up to an ASD diagnosis. But I am also really struggling to work this out as I am not sure what normal is. If I am autistic it doesn’t have a big impact on me, and I have learnt multiple coping mechanisms, and avoidance! but would bring comfort.

So, if you are NT, how do you view the world?

[I hate it when people ask and don’t share their stuff. There was a lot in my childhood - I was very weird but I also had trauma at a young age and was lied to about family issues so whilst most things didn’t make any sense, there was a reason for that. I am big on self reflecting and have tried to change and adapt hugely as the years go on. I’m in my 40s now and have lots of kind and lovely friends.

SO Things I struggle with (eliminating ADHD stuff)
Going somewhere new/entering a room/bar/restaurant on my own. Making a phone call (I have to plan it, it’s stressful. If unexpected I can’t do it. I can answer a call much better - when it’s being led by me it’s harder). I can make calls as part of my job with little issue. Understanding social niceties/manners/how to begin convos, lots around this. I jump in the middle and forget to say hi. I try and be super polite and am referred to as blunt. Have friends who love me but am ‘marmite.’ Have a low tolerance for liars. Have rigidity but have learnt to understand that rules aren’t everything, have become a leader at work where you have to sometimes act outside of the rules. This took me years to learn, but I did it. Understanding text messages. I spend a lot of time ensuring I answer every element as I have got in trouble for being self involved and not responding to a key issue. Moods. I can really lose my temper. I try not to, but it actually makes me feel quite unwell as I get so angry. Often fantasise about living alone as it would better than the highs and lows I have. Understanding about other people. I tend to move people out of the way. I honestly would never do this thinkingly, and would be horrified if someone did it to me, but I have to admit I do this all the time. If I need to get across the kitchen I’ll just move someone. It makes sense in the moment. In retrospect that seems insane as I KNOW I should just say excuse me. But I don’t. I think I am getting worse around this.

However flipside I am very confident and can present to a room of strangers. I ran a children’s choir quite happily, singing in front of little kids. Hated the thought of it the night before, in the morning - huge stress. Loved it when I was actually doing it. Performing was horrifying but I just looked at them. Couldn’t fathom how they had the guts to face the audience! Can’t imagine I showed this. At work I am applauded as an excellent communicator. I am articulate. I can immediately pick apart a problem, find the fault and correct. I am often praised for ‘getting it’ and great understanding when working with other agencies. I loathe confrontation in my personal life but have no issue at work and will call someone out if needs be. I have to sit on emails for 24 hours to ensure I’m appropriate however, and have been advised to keep my mouth shut in the moment. Which I can do!!!

I thought my struggles were everyone’s but I read something recently which made me question this. I know at work that no one ever wants to call for the takeaway so I assume they don’t want to for the same reason? But maybe it’s different? What’s it like for you???

PS I’m not asking for thoughts on my ND or otherwise - you can’t diagnose over the internet and I have left everything out that I ‘know’ is a trait. I’m more interested in knowing if everyone feels like me. I felt very different to others as a kid but a lot more normal nowadays. So just curious I guess.

I’m pretty sure I’m ND (more high functioning autistic than anything else) and all I can imagine is that for NT people they just have that social brain, as in they are energised and stimulated from social interaction and seek it out. They are probably also just naturally predisposed to be social in general and don’t think twice about what they’re going to say or how they’re going to say it.

This isn’t really true. I am not ND but I have anxiety so none of the things you mentioned come easy to me.

Anxiety aside though if you are neurotypical then I have to assume you at least understand social communication and all its facets like a second skin. For autistic people this is often one of the main signifiers for a difference in neurological function.

No I really don’t. I struggle a lot. It’s why I avoid situations like that like the plague.

I’ve never thought about any of this stuff so I assume that I must be NT? None of these questions enter my mind on a daily basis.

I am NT.

NT folks don't just understand everything. Social communication is complex and very few people can navigate and parse all elements of social situations. We also don't all get energized or stimulated (in a good way) by social interactions.

I don't want this to descend into shitting on ND folks, but you're simplifying human nature far too much. I know you'll now tell me that you're a PhD in Psychology or something similar, but you come off as if you don't understand what you're talking about.

How would we know if we were neurotypical though? They don’t test for that.
I hate to go somewhere where I have to talk to people alone, networking events terrify me, I hate to talk to an audience. I hate the phone. Recently I tried to contact someone for a week via email which was sorted out in 10 minutes when I finally picked up the phone. But isn’t that all part of being an introvert?

I think it's normal to not be a social maven. I think idealising this flawed concept of "being able to navigate every social situation effortlessly" is why we've got a massive problem. Everyone's a bit of an outsider most of the time. It's normal to feel a bit anxious or stressed in unfamiliar situations. It's normal to be uncomfortable sometimes. Nothing anyone can say will ever divest me of this opinion. I have ADHD and I don't think having negative feelings sometimes is part of my ND, I think it's par for the course of being human.

I'm NT and I certainly wouldn't say I understand social situations like a second skin or that I am energised and stimulated by social interaction,I enjoy it but need time alone too

It would help her make sense of her brain and how it works. There is no need to be rude.

OP I am in a similar place to you, so can't really help, but will be watching replies!

I've spent 40 years thinking I'm broken in some way because everything is so damm hard. I am hoping that diagnosis will help me understand.

Or maybe life just is damn hard, a lot of the time? Why would you think it is supposed to be easy?

Dx for ADHD usually means people can get medication that helps them just think about one thing at a time rather than 393948509348593 things, and helps them behave more rationally, thoughtfully rather than reactively/impulsively.

Are you being deliberately obtuse with your 'you're not supposed to switch your brain off' comment? Or just utterly clueless as to what it feels like negotiating the planet with an ADHD wired brain?

An official dx can also be a gateway to various types of support.

The special badge we get is just the icing on the cake.

What you're describing is extraversion rather than being neurotypical. There are plenty of neurotypical introverts who find social interaction draining rather than energising.

Understanding social communication is different to seeking it out and enjoying it all the time though.

You can be NT and an introvert or ambivert.

As the saying goes, "Hell is other people"

I am completely NT.

So your question is "how do I view the world?" It's hard to answer such a enormous question in less than 2000 words 🤣 But if you are asking about the specific things you highlighted...
Walking into a room
Phone calls
Understanding texts/communication
My mood/temper
Then no, I have no issues with any of those things.

But I really DO hate mingling situations where you know the people a bit but not well enough. That awkward middle ground between the getting-to-know-you chat and the easy-old-friends chat.
And I would like to be blunt like you (and secretly am inside) but I have no trouble maintaining a socially acceptable veneer of politeness to make people think I am just lovely 😁

I'm not sure if I'm ND so possibly not helpful.

I love going into a new room/ bar/ place alone. It feels like a bit of an adrenaline rush - exciting and an adventure.

I hate hate hate HATE phonecalls. Like you, I feel like I need to get my head round it. This means I REALLY hate receiving calls too as they are usually out of the blue. I even hate them from my parents. I feel like I struggle so much to know what to say so it's hard work. I think I get a lot of cues from seeing the person or body language enhancing communication. I much much prefer text. I feel like I can check it over and I do, change bits, make it clearer etc. I never ever leave voice notes and don't even like listening to them. I can read more easily than listen.

I can present quite well to a room, but that's learned behaviour. I can still do it quite well, though it's very superficial. I don't think I could share anything vulnerable about myself. I can certainly never show any emotion to a large group, not even a small group.

I conflict avoid massively with work and not close friends. I want everyone to like me, and think I'm great, all the time. I am gutted if I think someone doesn't like me, or thinks I'm bad at my job. At home, or very close friends, it's the opposite. (In fact, I don't have close friends anymore due to saying things they don't like). Conflict is frequent, my family would see me as very argumentative and angry. I can get angry very easily (I think this is depression rather than anything else). I don't know how to resolve conflict.

I am energised by being in a loud room or busy place like a city. I can do small talk and social butterfly stuff easily. I am terrible at 'deeper', 1:1 conversations. I never cry in public.

I am NT and as a teacher I have worked with a lot of ND students (and some ND colleagues).

The vast majority of the things you say you struggle with are not remotely an issue for me. Social cues and conversations are natural and easy. I don't have to think about social niceties and manners - it comes naturally to know how something I to or say would make someone else feel. I'm the opposite of rigid - I like to plan things in advance but easily adapt to changes of plan (very necessary as a teacher).

The struggles you mention are fairly typical of most of the students I've taught who have ASD, even if you have deliberately not included some of the other most obvious ones.

Where did anyone say a diagnosis makes life easy?

OP I don't know if you are ND, but you should speak to your GP and seek a diagnosis. I got mine late in life (almost 40) and understanding why my brain is the way it is and why I've struggled with things throughout my entire life is like someone has switched a light on. It hasn't made those things any easier in themselves, but I now understand better and can work with my brain rather than against it.

I’m nt and I am not energised or stimulated by social interaction. I find it draining. I struggle to say the right things or even find anything to say. In a group larger than 2 people I am mostly silent.

Well, in most respects there you have described me. And I have an autism diagnosis, so....🤷‍♀️

I think this thread is an example of how being human is now pathologised and.must be a symptom of something.