Bumping into your childhood bully - AIBU?

[becomecomfortablynumb]

I was horrendously bullied in secondary school, for no reason other than I am ND and struggle to fit in. I was left terrified of going near school, and for years refused to socialise. Even now I find my peers a bit scary. The worst thing was that they laughed at my name - which is a perfectly ordinary name, and the one my mam chose - but I hated being called my name for a very long time. They’d sing songs at me, throw food at me. I had to hide at lunch behind a wall.

That was nearly 20 years ago, we’re all now in our 30s. I now live 300 miles away from the miserable cesspit I grew up in. I very rarely go ‘home’.

I went ‘home’ this week to see relatives, and had to nip into the local shop I went to as a teenager.

One of the worst of the group still works there, countless years later. She looks 15 years older than me, she looked tired and miserable, clearly smokes 30 a day, and to be blunt, she’s the same size as I am.

Meanwhile I have a senior professional role. I have a good group of friends. I’m respected at my job and in my personal life. I’ve got two degrees, and I’m happy. Not happy all day every day, but mostly, I’m content.

I saw the woman who made my life hell, and walked straight past her. Everything she and her friends did to me, I’m now the one who’s laughing. AIBU to feel a bit smug?

Perhaps she’s happy and comfortable in her job and I think I should wish her all the best - I highly doubt she remembers anything about me now - not worth wasting my time thinking about it, perhaps.

Personally I also find it very satisfying that I have done better than the people who were so unkind to me at school.

Not one bit ashamed of that.

I would make a complaint about her to the store manager. Any complaint so long as it's plausible, say she was rude or looking at her phone or something like that. Make multiple complaints under different names over a prolonged time period, she'll probably get challenged about her behaviour even if she doesn't get the sack.

Bullies fuck their victims up for life so it's perfectly acceptable to spend a lifetime getting revenge.

Good for you, making a great life for yourself after that horrendous bullying, some people never recover their self-esteem
You'll enjoy this from Sarah Millican: %3D

I would make a complaint... it's perfectly acceptable to spend a lifetime getting revenge
This is terrible advice. The best revenge is living well. OP has moved on and has made something in life. No point letting the past pull us down.

You are not at all unreasonable. This person and her terrible enablers treated you horribly. This would be on my mind also, if I had bumped into or seen an old bully. I hope you are OK.

I bumped into my childhood bully whilst I was having a miscarriage. She was a midwife and I was embarassed and a little frightened to be dealing with her.

She must have felt slightly guilty because she let my dh come and see me when visitors weren’t allowed

This is the best advice, lead your own life well. It’s awful advice to basically keep the bully in her head rent free and think up ridiculous schemes to get back at her. OP is doing amazing, has a good job and is doing better than the bully, she shouldn’t go down that nonsense

All that 'be the better person and forgive them' stuff is complete bullshit. She was a cunt at school and she's probably still a cunt now, so just enjoy the schadenfreude.

In this case OP, I think you are perfectly entitled to be very smug! And why shouldn’t you be? You’ve done very well in the face of adversity. The horrible person who inflicted the bullying on you hasn’t done well. It’s not your fault she has taken that path in life. However you do have a right to be proud of the path you have taken 😊

There are levels of this. I can forgive, but not forget.

I live in home town on the opposite side of town. When my late parents were still with us, I often walked back the scenic route past 2 houses where families of 2 of my bullies lived and along a street where I hung back away from one of the bullies for so long on the way back from school that my mother was about to send out a search party. Sometimes I thought about them. Just after my mum passed away, a chance conversation in the local wine merchant revealed that he was the nephew of one of my bullies - the one I would have crossed the road to avoid for up to 20 years after. I was all smiles and saying nice to meet a fellow local but I think I went pale.

I was jilted in my mid twenties and a few years later the ex was in town on contract work. He passed me at the bus stop. I saw him coming and got my cheery face on. He ignored me. Guilty so and so 🤣

Sorry this isn’t healthy at all. It’s not perfectly acceptable to spend a lifetime getting revenge! That’s ruining your whole life over someone who doesn’t really think about you at all. That old saying ‘ it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’ springs to mind. You’re suggesting that OP does something that would actually be really unhealthy for her to do, that’s not good advise. She’d have to maliciously lie. What’s the point? And I was bullied to within an inch of my life so I do understand the lasting scars it leaves.

Thanks for posting this, I hadn't seen it before. Can't believe she invited her maths teacher to a party.

Damn right you should feel smug OP, good on you and I’m glad you got to see that. Well done for making it through that time in your life. It’s very painful. Good for you! ❤️

Fuck her. Not literally - she sounds grim.

yanbu to feel smug. I know enough about the lives of my childhood bullies to know that I am now more successful in my professional and personal life and I feel smug and carry no guilt about it. Fuck them.

One of a group of older girls who bullied me terribly on the school bus when I was 11 and they were 14/15 came into the office where I worked when I was 18. She was renting a house from my boss and had to explain to me (to tell him) why she couldn't pay the rent, yet again. She had her three young children with her and I did actually feel sorry for her and the kids, it was obvious they were struggling. I don't know if she recognised me but it just made me think you never know what's going to happen in life and you should always be nice to people. The main bully ring leader actually got my job after I left. I found out as one of my friends still worked there and told me the name of my replacement. I never told anyone how I knew her but it gave me great satisfaction to think of her reaction when she found out who she'd replaced and maybe her fear that I might fill her new workmates in on what she'd done to me. It was an insurance brokers in a little village and my dad owned a large local business. He was one of their main customers and insured a fleet of vehicles and premises with them. I eventually went to work for my dad and when I phoned about the insurance policies I made sure I used my maiden name if I dealt with her, so she'd know who she was talking to. She couldn't have been nicer to me, especially as dad's account was so important to them, but this was someone who had made my life absolute hell for ages, beating me up, spitting on me, dragging me down the aisle of the bus by my hair etc all because I was quiet and shy and had the misfortune to look like a child actor off TV.

Satisfaction in living your life well is your compensation, enjoy it and keep your dignity. Bollocks to revenge, it would be giving her too much rent free space in your head.

I'm sure I read a story about Kate Winslet bumping into her old school bully (who had teased her mercilessly about her weight) serving her in a shop. She didn't say anything nasty but admitted that she had enjoyed the upper handedness of the situation. I think she was criticised for speaking about it (there were a lot of "be kind" and "you shouldn't look down on people who work in shops" comments) but i thought ha, good for you.

Absolutely not! My son is also ND and gets bullied relentlessly and I often tell him that bullies will all end up miserable when they're older and kind he se red people will thrive. Your story proves this. Good for you I say!! Karma always comes back around!!

Kind hearted people will thrive**

Oh I would definitely have made a smug remark to her. Along the lines of "Oh gosh, I can't believe you haven't moved on in all these years. Life must feel so very small. I absolutely love living in X, so many more opportunities".

The quiet satisfaction of knowing that you came out "on top" despite their efforts is a fantastic feeling.

My bullies have led tricky lives. One has 8 dc by various dads and has had a number of them placed with family members. Two have spent significant time in prison for violent offences.

Meanwhile, I have had a good life. Long term, happy marriage. 2 great dc. A decent career that I enjoy. We own our home outright. My health is good. All the important stuff.

In part, my life has turned out well because of the bullying. It made me desperate to get out and do better. I would never crow over their misfortune (apart from on here!) but I won. As did you @becomecomfortablynumb. Allow yourself the quiet satisfaction this brings.

Not that everyone should feel like this but I often look back on my bullies with adult eyes and see that:

One of them had a Dad in and out of prison.
One of them had parents that screamed arguments at each other pretty much all day and night - from what I could see (we'd been kind of friends before she turned on me).
One of them had her father leave her family and start a new family with a younger woman, and never saw her.

In short, none of their childhoods look like picnics where as mine was pretty happy and stable. In the end, I'd chose my childhood with their bullying over their childhoods and no bullying.

That's not to say what they did was ok. Some of it was pretty nasty stuff. It's more to say that adult me forgives them and, in the end, I think that's the best thing I could do for myself and my own peace of mind.

A girl that made my life hell at secondary school is now one of the parents at my daughters dance school. I can’t even look at her to be honest.

I was added to a facebook group for our school a few years back and they tried to do a reunion. The girl trying to arrange it was one of the popular gobby girls that did a lot of the bullying.

When she asked if I was attending and it would be great to get us all together again, I had to say it might be great for you but you and me went to very different schools. She seemed a bit put out, came back with it was years ago, we were kids, blah blah blah. I just said I wasn't interested and left the facebook group. A few followed suit.

(we left school over 30 years ago and I would still avoid in the street)

I was terribly bullied at both primary and secondary school..and on the estate where I lived...

I was coerced into going to a school reunion in our 40th year..

It was one of the best things I could have done..

I'd spent so long remembering the awful things that I'd completely forgotten some of the good times..

I also saw my bullies for what they were..
been nowhere..
done nothing..

Whereas... I've had a good and interesting life ..
Life changing for me..