Bumping into your childhood bully - AIBU?

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I was horrendously bullied in secondary school, for no reason other than I am ND and struggle to fit in. I was left terrified of going near school, and for years refused to socialise. Even now I find my peers a bit scary. The worst thing was that they laughed at my name - which is a perfectly ordinary name, and the one my mam chose - but I hated being called my name for a very long time. They’d sing songs at me, throw food at me. I had to hide at lunch behind a wall.

That was nearly 20 years ago, we’re all now in our 30s. I now live 300 miles away from the miserable cesspit I grew up in. I very rarely go ‘home’.

I went ‘home’ this week to see relatives, and had to nip into the local shop I went to as a teenager.

One of the worst of the group still works there, countless years later. She looks 15 years older than me, she looked tired and miserable, clearly smokes 30 a day, and to be blunt, she’s the same size as I am.

Meanwhile I have a senior professional role. I have a good group of friends. I’m respected at my job and in my personal life. I’ve got two degrees, and I’m happy. Not happy all day every day, but mostly, I’m content.

I saw the woman who made my life hell, and walked straight past her. Everything she and her friends did to me, I’m now the one who’s laughing. AIBU to feel a bit smug?

Perhaps she’s happy and comfortable in her job and I think I should wish her all the best - I highly doubt she remembers anything about me now - not worth wasting my time thinking about it, perhaps.

Please don't take this advice to be bitter and seek revenge. She may have dependents.

Be the better person, don't seek to the level of a bully. Live well instead.

My grandmother always taught me that two wrongs don't make it right. If OP is generally happy and content there is nothing wrong with feeling accomplished/satisfaction that she has carved success but by making formal complaints etc that would bring her down to the bullies level which wouldn't create happiness from within.

As a social worker I came across my high school bully- I didn’t make the link initially as was sent out with the police for two children and only had their names. One of them had made some concerning comments about their step dad to school and when we got to the address he (high school bully) answered the door as he was their dad. Cue awkward moment. I did say that if he was unhappy with me dealing with it a colleague could come out instead but he said it was fine and obviously it remained confidential. He commented ‘wow you have clearly done well for yourself’. For the record I didn’t take the case forward as I told my manager it would be inappropriate… part of me felt I could put it to bed though and actually he seemed to have turned out as a reasonable human being despite being horrible at school!

When seeking revenge, first dig two graves.

The one who bullied me, I ended up being the on call to do an emergency c section on her. Now forever, the person who delivered her baby was the one whose life she made hell.

You're not unreasonable to feel however you feel about it because it happened to you so it isn't for anyone else to dictate.

I would say though that I think very rarely does anything positive come from holding on to resentment. Generally the best thing to be is indifferent.

And I think its a bit shit to feel so smug because she works in a shop. There's absolutely nothing wrong with working in a shop.

I think you have every right to feel smug, OP. Well done on your achievements. I love that you're mainly happy and content with your life.

My childhood bully was in my form at secondary school in the 1970s. I honestly knew there was something dangerous about him, even as a pre-teen.

With his very devious behaviour, he turned my friends against me and although there was no physical aspect to his behaviour, the psychological bullying caused me to try and throw myself down the stairs on a few Sunday nights, or to jump off a wall or tree while out playing, just so I could break a bone and have a few weeks off school. None of this worked but I knew that there would eventually be an end to it so my solution was to play truant from school (I went to the town's library instead of school) and went from being on course for ten O'levels to just sitting three, achieving only one (A in English Language which, thankfully, enabled me to go to college etc and obtain more qualifications).

He always threatened to kill me if I told anyone. The year after we left school he was ordered to be detained at Her Majesty's pleasure after being found guilty of murder.

The review board then decided he was fit to be released nine years later. A few months later, he murdered again.

He will never be released. He has spent 45 of his 63 years in prison. Both victims were women. I wish I'd been brave enough to take it further with my school, but the one time I dared to raise the issue, my head of house said that I was looking for any excuse to explain my truancy and nothing was done.

I still feel very guilty for not speaking up but I truly believed he would kill me.

I was bullied at school and found out many years later he had worked in the NHS but went out one night and killed someone and is in jail for life. My life is so much better. I am free for one thing. I have a lovely group of friends.

My bully became a very anxious teenager and then a possessive controlling fiancee. We never met in person after leaving school but her ex developed a real crush on me. She was apparently devastated and had to take several months off work.

I had my bully start chatting to me on a mutual Facebook group . She was like nothing had happened- she made me life hell for years I just ignored her

I went to a school reunion. We were all in our 70s at this point
The girl that had bullied me looked so old and on that particular day I had a “good looking day” on and she couldn’t believe it was me. I was pleased I went and saw other people I remembered from the infant school.
I had been a very shy quiet kid and she was very bitchy.I told her I worked for Reuters until I retired. She slunk off after that. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Dotjones

You sound like a bully yourself, why would you want to try and make someone lose their job. What happened was 20 years ago, it would seem the her behavior has reflected in her job choices already, there's no need to make it worse.

Personally, I would dress up and go to the shop a couple of times, just so she can how well I look compared to her. If she tried to introduce herself, I would let her know that she is unrecognizable.

I had a lot of bullies. The worst primary school one has done very well for herself - Although I do wonder how it happened. She was an awful child, very manipulative even then, hopefully she grew up.

One of my secondary school bullies is a funny story though. I had a crush on a guy. I told a friend. Friend told her friends. They told him. He was a kind lad but embarrassed I had a crush on him because I was the unpopular fat one. Regardless, he continued to be kind to me.

He got a girlfriend. This girl found out about my crush too, and started really ripping me to shreds every day until school was done. I think it was because her boyfriend continued to be kind to me and chat with me sometimes. Her main thing was how fat I was. She made me want to die. It was torture. Embarrassment and shame and feeling so worthless.

She's absolutely humungous now. Morbidly, morbidly obese. I lost the weight in my mid20s - through developing anorexia, but they don't know that. Maybe she should (not that it's her fault, but that treatment from others as a kid did not help...) She's still with the boyfriend too, and they have kids now (good going on them though, they've lasted!). First time I saw them around town a few years ago was delightful. Her fucking face. He smiled at me and said a cheery hello... But never did again. I wonder if he got into trouble for it.

I look at her when I see her and wonder if she ever feels bad for the torture she put me through, now that she has struggled with her weight in her adult life. Bet not though.

This is horrific. I'm so sorry.

I was bullied at school. Hated it and those who did the bullying. I’m in my 60’s now and it has stayed with me all my life. I don’t make contact with anyone from my childhood and shy away from anywhere I may bump into them so I know exactly how you feel. Don’t do anything as it will only increase the amount of angst and it will play on your mind.

Oh GOOD FOR YOU !!!! A million times over.
Thank you so so much for posting. Our Ds age 18 is trying to get over something very similar to what you have described . I’m going to show him this. You’re an inspiration. Thank you again.

I applaud you for not sparking the fucker out. I have zero time for bullies as mine almost killed me and there was zero consequence for it. You've become a successful person so fuck her, and indeed all of them.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to Ur DS. Is he 18 and struggling to get over something recent, or is he still remembering stuff from the past?

If anyone here successfully like hit a bully, did it bring you a sense of satisfaction?

Just be smug in the fact your life is going well and the bully (ies) did not hold you back.

I too was updated about my own bully - she made my life a misery and told me I would never find anyone to love me, much less have sex with me. I've since found out she married someone who got her pregnant but then cheated on her, left her, shagged her again and got her pregnant and then left her again.
Meanwhile I've been happily married for nearly two decades and have a DS I adore, plus I am very successful in my career and earn enough to have a good lifestyle.

Karma is a bitch but a life well lived is even better revenge

I actually bumped into one of the mean girls and until this thread is forgotten.She didn’t bully me directly as such but she was very unkind and treated me like dirt and bitched about me to everyone. She got away with it because she was pretty and popular and I was neither.

It was years ago now but I’d left school a couple of years ago and was working in the nearest city in an office. I was about to get the bus connection home and I was in my formal stylish office wear, hair and make up done etc. and then I saw she was at the bus stop.

She was in her casual clothes and on the phone upset she had been overlooked for a promotion in the crappy little shop she now worked at (they went bust not long after I saw her). She also now had really bad skin - unlike when she was at school. In short she looked rough.

I’m pretty sure she saw me but I ignored her. It felt great.

Not quite, but in the year between leaving school and me leaving the area for Uni they attempted to tease me for someone I had started dating. I remember straightening my spine, looking them straight in the eye and saying "Why don't you go F**k yourself". Not quite the most eloquent comment but got my point across and as the meek and quiet shy one of the class, they gaped at me like a fish and couldn't quite think of a comeback before I simply walked away. Now THAT was satisfying

I'd make a point of speaking to her saying ' Eeee it's xxx isn't it from school, How are you? What you up to these days?' Then go on to tell her how your life is & how happy you are. Finish off by saying 'Isn't it funny how things pan out. I hated school because of bullies & yet here I am with a fab job & loving life, lovely seeing you, take care bye'

Meh. Who cares? Even if she is completely different now (which I think is unlikely) that doesn't mean the OP has to forgive her for making her life a misery back then.

I punched a bully at school. She wasn't actually bullying me, she was bullying other people, including two of my friends.

It brought me a tremendous sense of satisfaction, although obviously it did get me into a lot of trouble at school, which I made a lot worse by refusing to apologise or express any regret.