Bumping into your childhood bully - AIBU?

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I was horrendously bullied in secondary school, for no reason other than I am ND and struggle to fit in. I was left terrified of going near school, and for years refused to socialise. Even now I find my peers a bit scary. The worst thing was that they laughed at my name - which is a perfectly ordinary name, and the one my mam chose - but I hated being called my name for a very long time. They’d sing songs at me, throw food at me. I had to hide at lunch behind a wall.

That was nearly 20 years ago, we’re all now in our 30s. I now live 300 miles away from the miserable cesspit I grew up in. I very rarely go ‘home’.

I went ‘home’ this week to see relatives, and had to nip into the local shop I went to as a teenager.

One of the worst of the group still works there, countless years later. She looks 15 years older than me, she looked tired and miserable, clearly smokes 30 a day, and to be blunt, she’s the same size as I am.

Meanwhile I have a senior professional role. I have a good group of friends. I’m respected at my job and in my personal life. I’ve got two degrees, and I’m happy. Not happy all day every day, but mostly, I’m content.

I saw the woman who made my life hell, and walked straight past her. Everything she and her friends did to me, I’m now the one who’s laughing. AIBU to feel a bit smug?

Perhaps she’s happy and comfortable in her job and I think I should wish her all the best - I highly doubt she remembers anything about me now - not worth wasting my time thinking about it, perhaps.

@Didimum I think the smug feeling is understandable. I know that my bullies are not in great places in life and I have experienced the same thoughts.

This is very true. I got to watch my high school bully getting arrested once (nothing to do with me I might add) and whilst it can't undo any of the damage she inflicted it was a bloody brilliant moment. Karma exists!

Your winning at life she's not that must give you a lot of satisfaction.

My dd took art at school, something she enjoyed and found therapeutic. But was mercilessly bullied by three girls who told her how ugly and pointless she was. It destroyed her confidence.

Years later, she went to her usual hairdressers and the girl who came to shampoo.her hair was the main bully. She hesitated then said to bully "No. I cant do this" and walked out never to return.

I was abused on the school bus by some boys in my year one of whom I trusted. I am now early sixties and never told a soul not even DH. I saw one a few weeks back not having seen him in 40 years. He greeted me warmly and chatted to DH. I had to cut things off and he actually looked offended. How can you not remember that.

School bullies and or the cool kids often turned out to be the biggest losers. karma is a bitch.
The universe corrects itself every now and then

You’re kidding, right?

Are you suggesting a grown woman lies to seek revenge for something someone did 20 years ago? Is that the best course of action here?

I was bullied for 3 solid years by a group of boys, name calling , kicking ,spat at me.

When I left school and got a job I bumped into the ringleader . I smiled sweetly,said hello, he mumbled hello back and looked embarrassed.
I felt free and happy.

I bumped into a bully she was being pushed around in a wheelchair and looked like she was dying I couldn't find it in my heart to be glad about that another one has drug issues lost her kids and they bully her relentlessly now I watched one follow her around the streets screaming at her how much of a terrible upbringing he had due to her (his father must have abandoned him because apparently he was in care) she had everything well earning husband children nice house etc etc threw it all away by the time I found the third bully I just acted like nothing happened she has her issues nothing like the first two but her child was badly bullied it seemed to make her more empathetic we treat each other politely now

Weirdly most of the mean/bully type girls from my school became nurses or midwives. I just find it so strange because they are caring professions which require kindness and empathy.

Thats the thing about feelings though- you dont get to police other people's feelings.

As long as OP did not say anything or harm this person (which she clearly didnt) you dont have the right to tell her how she "should" feel. We all have feelings about things and not all of them are noble. I am quite sure you yourself have had feelings about something or someone at some point or another that have been less than charitable. As long as our actions dont affect anyone else in a harmful way then our feelings are ours to deal with and it's pointless telling someone how they "ought" to feel when thats not authentic for them. Next time you feel stressed ask someone to order you not to feel that way and see how that works out for you, eh?

I know an adult bully ( not friends with her she's just well known for starting on people ) and she is a carer.

I think a lot of adult bullies know their bad people so try to make themselves better by going for caring type roles. But ironically enough they often end up bullying the people their supposed to be caring for

I was bullied at school by a particular girl. Years later she was employed by a friend of mine in a place where I met her often. She told my boss she was really apologetic and didn’t know what to say to me. With hindsight, of course she was unpleasant to everyone; she had a terrible home life, and was angry and envious of those who lived in happy homes. Teenagers don’t yet know how to handle those feelings, and lash out in all kinds of ways.

She apologised; I accepted. Both of our lives are better for that.

There's always at least one token crazy person on threads like this and I see they got in early on this one. 🙄

Not remotely unreasonable to FEEL a sense of satisfaction and schadenfreude - so long as you don't do anything about it. And there's no suggestion that you would.

The best revenge is (1) living your best life (2) indifference towards her and (3) compassion that her life hasn't turned out well

I could write this about myself! Bullied over my weight in secondary to the point that I used to eat my packed lunch on the toilet as I had no one to sit with. Now I am living 200 miles from there , have travelled the world, successful with a degree and a great professional job , lovely house and happy marriage and two kids. When I go home the bullies are still living with in my home town, not achieved much and spending their time getting drunk/ on drugs with minimum wage jobs.

No problem at all.
i think current teenagers would do well to read this, to realise students who are a bully do not often do well in life and it pays well to keep going regardless (not that there is anything wrong in retail - let’s face it we all need shops open and it can provide flexible working for many).
i think you should be proud of yourself for what you have achieved in spite of your school days. I’d have been tempted to have mentioned your name to her, although often I think bullies don’t actually remember what they’ve done.

I don't buy the narrative that all bullies must have been going through their own stuff. Some kids / teenagers / people are just plain nasty. If you have 10 bullies in a group they are unlikely to all be from traumatic backgrounds or whatever. Most of them will have about the same amount of stresses and fears as the rest of us but they added to mine and others' hugely by making school miserable. No redemption or forgiveness for those people. So if they came to work with me or had kids at my kids' school or whatever, I'm not playing nice with them. I wish I could bump into one and have the courage to calmly ask what they thought about their behaviour but even after 30 years I don't think I'd have the courage to say something to them. I'd just turn away from them.

Definitely. I get updates about a school bully from over 50 years ago. It’s still a controlling cunt except it’s doing it to its own kids now. Their innate character never changes

And I should add that the many people from my school that I've subsequently discovered were going through truly awful things - parents with addiction, poverty, abuse, learning issues etc - were never bullies. They might have messed about in class, they might have been a nightmare for teachers, they may even have got into fights. But not bullying. Not relentlessly grinding people down. That was the act of the pure nasty people.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Be the better person

Years ago, I did an internet search for the 2 boys who’d bullied me the most, with the aim of messaging them to let them know the effect their unkindness had had on me. They had both died in their 30s, so that wasn’t possible.

There was a girl at school who thought she was a cut above me and was always rude and dismissive even after we left school. Walking past a local shop isaw her serving and went in. She had to be nice to me. She tried to ignore me but I asked questions about loads of things got her to open up items in boxes so I could look, got bags and turned them all inside out to look at the inside. I then looked her in the eye and said ‘nah I’ll leave it the service in here is terrible!’ There was a massive pile of stuff on the counter to be put away again. Yeah fuck you Louise!

Years later I was bullied at a job and left for my own mental health, I was signed off and suicidal. A year later the main bully applied to my new company. My boss asked me if I knew her as she could see on her cv we’d worked together. I froze then broke down in sobs I was hyperventilating. She took me to a side room and said ‘she will not step foot in here! I don’t tolerate arseholes!’

Yes live well but never forget and let them know you don’t forget.

Not unreasonable at all. You hold your head up high.

I bumped into my bully recently. She passed me in the street. She used to bully me at college thirty years ago. Like your bully, she hadn't aged well and was puffing on a cigarette with a miserable face whilst shuffling down the street with very hunched shoulders, like she felt embarrassed to be out in public. I'd know her face anywhere. I gave her a big beaming smile and called out a cheery, "Hellooooooo!" She looked mortified and scuttled away. Didn't answer. What made it great was that I was no longer scared of her. Liberating.

It depends what they bullied you about though, doesn't it? If they constantly called you fat and then aged 40 you're size 14 and they are size 20 you might legitimately feel smug, surely?! If they called you stupid but you're now in a better job with more responsibility and prospects than them working in the same shop they did on Saturdays aged 16, you're size can feel smug about that too. It doesn't mean you look down at other size 20 people or people working in shops. It means that on the very thing they said to you and which has eaten you up inside for decades since, you have come out on top or whatever.

I remember when I first started my tattoo apprenticeship, and was doing tattoos for free/tips. The amount of people who made my life hell for years that came crawling out of the woodwork feigning niceness for a freebie was outrageous. I was too polite to really say what I wanted to (something along the lines of ‘you had me spend my entire high school career feeling suicidal, my confidence utterly destroyed and self-worth non-existent because of you’). Settled for just saying ‘I only tattoo people were were nice to me in school, sorry’ and left it at that.

It’s hard because I still have some of the bullies on Facebook (God knows why, I’m just nosey I think) and some of them seem to be genuinely good people now. Posted congratulations when I announced my pregnancy, stuff like that. Everyone can be a dick as a teenager and change/grow up, but it’s hard to forget when it has such an impact on you long term.

As an adult I can see that some of the girls that were vile to me had less-than-ideal upbringings, mixed with the gang mentality and peer pressure where otherwise decent people would be so desperate to fit in they’d egg each other on to be mean to whoever was the easiest target in (usually me, as I was particularly anxious, dorky and had severe acne as well as being the school’s token goth kid). I think a lot of them had more shit going on than I knew at the time, and while inexcusable I understand it a bit more now.

Really, don't do this.

Have you read Cat's Eye, by Margaret Atwood?