Bumping into your childhood bully - AIBU?

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I was horrendously bullied in secondary school, for no reason other than I am ND and struggle to fit in. I was left terrified of going near school, and for years refused to socialise. Even now I find my peers a bit scary. The worst thing was that they laughed at my name - which is a perfectly ordinary name, and the one my mam chose - but I hated being called my name for a very long time. They’d sing songs at me, throw food at me. I had to hide at lunch behind a wall.

That was nearly 20 years ago, we’re all now in our 30s. I now live 300 miles away from the miserable cesspit I grew up in. I very rarely go ‘home’.

I went ‘home’ this week to see relatives, and had to nip into the local shop I went to as a teenager.

One of the worst of the group still works there, countless years later. She looks 15 years older than me, she looked tired and miserable, clearly smokes 30 a day, and to be blunt, she’s the same size as I am.

Meanwhile I have a senior professional role. I have a good group of friends. I’m respected at my job and in my personal life. I’ve got two degrees, and I’m happy. Not happy all day every day, but mostly, I’m content.

I saw the woman who made my life hell, and walked straight past her. Everything she and her friends did to me, I’m now the one who’s laughing. AIBU to feel a bit smug?

Perhaps she’s happy and comfortable in her job and I think I should wish her all the best - I highly doubt she remembers anything about me now - not worth wasting my time thinking about it, perhaps.

I punched someone as well and beat him up real good. I didn't feel bad at all. I feel bad for some other stuff I did to people though. Took my retaliation too far by insulting their parents/siblings. But by A-levels all those silly squabbles from the earl years went away.

It would be nice if she recognised you and you told her how well you've done...despite how awful that school was!

A couple of years ago. At GCSE. He left that school and started a part time college bit doesnt trust people now and won’t try to be friends with other students - male especially. Lives a lonely life he hates. It’s heartbreaking. I’m desperately hoping that time heals.

When I was in my 20s when this still affected me, I'd have said to avoid and suck it up. Now I'm twice that age, I realise that we were VERY different people back then. It is a literal lifetime away, and to be honest, they probably don't even remember doing it. If anything, I 'appreciate' my bullies, as they gave me a backbone later in life.

I realise not everyone can say that though.

If they don't remember it they are even bigger bitches than I imagine. If you spent your entire school career setting out to make one or more people's lives a mystery and now when you think back to your school days you aren't eaten up with extreme guilt then you deserve no forgiveness and no good things in my view.

IME they have either changed, realised they did it as they were insecure etc and have become much kinder people. Or continued, not held down a job, have been in jail, their behaviour not accepted in adulthood and life has been unpleasant. Reap what you sow seems to be the case.

I have met up with a couple of people at school reunions who bullied me at an early age, more turning friends against me and the boy hitting me. Both apologised profusely when I brought it up, both parents now as well, some have to grow up to realise their impact.

One was from a very wealthy family and was spiteful, she changed as she got older and was an ally, other was feral and wanted to physically fight me???

Those workplace bullies, hounding their prey out of their job don't care about their victim not being able to support their children.

I was horrendously bullied at school, for daring to be bookish and have parents who valued education in an area where many didn't. I was gang raped by a group of these bullies when I was 15, and a further member of their 'gang' tried something similar, except I managed to hit him that time and get away. My first sexual experience was rape, even though I was besotted with my then 'boyfriend' and didn't see this for what it was at the time. The realisation didn't dawn on me until decades later and when it did, it was painful. The boys in the 'gang' on my periphery had absolutely no sense of boundaries, and, coming from a background of child abuse at the hands of my father, neither did I. They thought they could do exactly what they wanted to anyone.

The girls were bullies too. One of them spiked my drink with LSD, making me seriously ill and genuinely fear I was going crazy - that this was how it felt. For sure, there's a quiet satisfaction in knowing from a distance that I made something worthwhile out of my life and they didn't: still stuck in the same set of mean streets with even meaner ambitions or horizons.

Ofc I've been through the bitter phases (and a lot of therapy). Who wouldn't? I won't forget, and I won't forgive. I find the rhetoric about 'forgiving' one's abusers mealy-mouthed, patronising, and infuriating. Anger is healthy. Victims of this kind of abuse can feel as angry as we damned well please.

But nor do I wish pain, illness, harm, or worse on any of them. I've moved on and done something better with my life. These people (including darling Daddy - now prematurely dead - my first and worst 'bully') now take up precisely none of my headspace. I have no desire to see any of them: if I did, I'd keep my head up and behave as though they didn't exist.

To me, they don't. I care nothing about any of them - not even to the point of wishing the universe would effect some horrible revenge on them. I feel nothing.

They are nothing.

Imagine my horror when I came face to face with The Bitch In chief from my Primary during freshers week at Uni.
My initial reaction was to get away as quickly as possible and I even decided that I needed to change Uni BUT then I looked at her and realised how utterly insignificant she was. She did actually come and say hello and I told her very calmly that I had no wish to speak to her.
I cold shouldered her every time I saw her for 3 years
I actually should have thanked her, I was offered a scholarship at Private School for Secondary and if she hadn't turned everyone against me so I had no friends I might have turned it down and I LOVED my school.

I want to do this!!!! Xx

She'll be tortured every time she looks in the mirror 🪞! xx

I'd look at her. A lot.

This is one thing that makes me feel so conflicted. I was unpopular in primary and bullied awfully, it started with colour of my skin and racism was sadly accepted. But as anyone who’s been in my shoes knows, once there is one reason, they invent countless new ones to be unkind about and my life was a misery.

The bullying has never left me, the insecurities that arose from people being unkind, calling me names, writing notes about me have stayed with me for life. As have the feelings of worthlessness which I have to push away and keep reminding myself of the positives when I have a tough day. For that reason, I want bullies to know how much their actions impact their victims and see justice for the child me that came close to ending their life at such a young age

Another part of me sees they are children themselves and we are all different people to who we were at school. I’m completely different to the young adult me, let alone school girl! And if I apply this, then I should let go what happened when we were all children but I just can’t because it has stayed with me forever and is probably long forgotten to them

To Hetter, unsure why there is a laughing emoji on a serious thread??

Living well is the best revenge, apparently,and there are those that say getting your own back on bullies will only make you feel worse. Not in my experience.
I was bullied mercilessly in secondary school,because I was quiet and quite bright,and at my 1980s sink comprehensive, I stood out.I had no friends as no one wanted the bullies to turn on them if they associated with me. I was physically and verbally attacked.
Years later,we were selling our house,I was married with a different surname and as a late bloomer who'd been mocked for being ugly at school,I'd grown into my looks and had even done a bit of modelling. A local estate agent came to value the house,and I immediately recognised him as one of my bullies. I said nothing,but we didn't go with the company he represented. However, the agency he worked for had a house that we were very interested in and it turned out that the vendors knew my family. A couple of phone calls later,and we agreed a private sale with them,they rang the agency and said that a family member was buying the house and to take it off the market. My bully lost approx 2K in commission. That was 20 years ago and it still makes me smile. Revenge is a dish best served cold and really is,very,very sweet.

I worked in a position of authority and one of the people referred to me was none other than the girl who made my early school days a misery. She hadn’t moved on or done much with her life since school and I have to say I did feel a bit smug. I could tell by her face that she knew who I was but I didn’t let on that I had recognised her and treated her professionally. The best part was after she had gone and I realised that I no longer felt resentful of her - in fact I didn’t feel anything at all. Facing my demons seem to exorcise them.

Fair enough OP. Bullies often peak in school and nothing much afterwards.

Live well

What did she do to you?

I have a physical disability - bear in mind I’m mid sixties now, so the safeguarding against school bullying we have now was unheard of back then. This girl was the ringleader of a few others who carried out a campaign of relentless bullying and physical abuse throughout infant and junior school. It was mostly disability based - kids are cruel and will pick on the slightest difference to make your life a misery. It didn’t help that I was academically quite bright too, so was also perceived as a bit of a swot.

Looking back it’s almost unbelievable that it was never picked up and dealt with, because some of it must have been fairly obvious, and for my own part they managed to scare me into staying quiet. It affected my confidence for a long time until I had counselling for anxiety and depression in my early twenties - I suppose it would be called talking therapy these days. The counselling brought everything out into the open and let me voice the things that had happened for the first time. Helped to process things and made me realise how it had turned me into a bit of a people pleaser for a while. I never really looked back as a result of those therapy sessions, but I used to wonder how I’d feel if I ever came face to face with her again. Now I know.

I’ve bumped into two people who bullied me at school. One male one female. Both were effusively friendly. I think they must have forgotten.

I understand now why the kids who bullied me at school did so, it was more about them than me.
I still fucking hate them though 40 years later and will never ever forgive them.
Some people feel that moving on, living well etc is the best way to go - I am doing all that but I still hope they all rot in hell.

Whenever I feel really bad about it, I'm glad that I gave at least one bully a piece of his own medicine.

I was bullied by a group of boys at primary school for being tall and skinny - I grew up to be tall, slim and attractive, well off, educated, with a great career that took be around the world. I am also very well off- I sometimes look at the ring leader's FB page - he's a little squirt who's been nowhere, didn't leave the estate gd grew up in and hasdone nothing. It's quite satisfying

No. They felt guilty.