Bumping into your childhood bully - AIBU?

[becomecomfortablynumb]

I was horrendously bullied in secondary school, for no reason other than I am ND and struggle to fit in. I was left terrified of going near school, and for years refused to socialise. Even now I find my peers a bit scary. The worst thing was that they laughed at my name - which is a perfectly ordinary name, and the one my mam chose - but I hated being called my name for a very long time. They’d sing songs at me, throw food at me. I had to hide at lunch behind a wall.

That was nearly 20 years ago, we’re all now in our 30s. I now live 300 miles away from the miserable cesspit I grew up in. I very rarely go ‘home’.

I went ‘home’ this week to see relatives, and had to nip into the local shop I went to as a teenager.

One of the worst of the group still works there, countless years later. She looks 15 years older than me, she looked tired and miserable, clearly smokes 30 a day, and to be blunt, she’s the same size as I am.

Meanwhile I have a senior professional role. I have a good group of friends. I’m respected at my job and in my personal life. I’ve got two degrees, and I’m happy. Not happy all day every day, but mostly, I’m content.

I saw the woman who made my life hell, and walked straight past her. Everything she and her friends did to me, I’m now the one who’s laughing. AIBU to feel a bit smug?

Perhaps she’s happy and comfortable in her job and I think I should wish her all the best - I highly doubt she remembers anything about me now - not worth wasting my time thinking about it, perhaps.

I was badly bullied in the workplace twenty years ago. The two bullies have gone on to have the most perfect lives imaginable, I live in a small town where everyone knows everything about everyone. Meanwhile my entire family has died and I have metastatic cancer. Bullies don’t always get their comeuppance and karma doesn’t exist.

You’re allowed to feel however you need to. Please don’t let anyone (online here or in real life) tell you how you should feel. They did not experience exactly what you went through and did not feel how you felt at the time. If you want to feel smug don’t feel bad about that at all- that’s just how you feel and there should be no shame in that. If you’re happy to forgive and move on then feel that way without any shame either.
Hugs for you OP- it’s a confusing situation and none of us really know how we’d react in that situation until it happens!
PSA this is coming from someone who experienced similar to you as a teenager and would probably feel absolute terror (and a health dose of rage) if I bumped into any of them now. Probably why I moved hundreds of miles away as well!

Unfortunately all you would do is indirectly punish any children she may have if she loses her job.

Not unreasonable to feel smug. One thing that amazed me when I met an old bully was the extent to which what was a significant trauma for me barely registered on them. When I saw them (in the local supermarket where I was visiting family) they were cheery and pally and ‘how nice to see you!’ Couldn’t believe it! I pointed out coldly that it appeared to have escaped their memory that they made 2 years of my school life hellish, it was NOT nice to see them and that I had zero interest in polite catch up chat - oh yes I can hold a grudge!

That would be harassment and could get the Op into a lot of trouble.

I’m so sorry.

The boy who ruined my final three years at school, who bullied and humiliated me and turned the form group against me, moved to Singapore to work for a bank. He’s now rich, married and living in New Zealand with three daughters and a son. I’m unemployed, with no savings and no future. Karma is balls. My grandmother was the loveliest, kindest person in the world, but her final 30 years of life were hell and she died a hideous death.

@Berlinlover and @Dappy777 I'm so sorry to hear that life has been cruel to you and your families. I can well understand that it must seem so unfair that your bullies appear to have prospered and done well in life. To me, it doesn't make them better than you because they've done well, got good jobs, money etc To me that means nothing, you are the better people because you haven't made other people's lives a misery for the sheer enjoyment of it. I know this probably won't help you at all but after reading both posts I felt I had to tell you. Those bullies could be absolutely loaded, have apparently perfect lives etc but when it comes down to it, you have a clear conscience and you are the truly richer people. I don't judge someone by how much money they have etc I judge them on how they treat other people and to me, no matter how rich your bullies are, they are still and always will be scum!

I was bullied at secondary school, simply because I was shy. Unfortunately, the more I was bullied the more introverted I became. It was a horrible vicious circle. Bullying wasn't really recognised at school back then, I was labelled 'sensitive' by my Head of Year, and nothing was solved. It took many many years to recover my self-esteem and realise I was worthy of friendships etc. I bumped into the girl who was the ring leader, probably 19 years ago now, at a local pub. I was sat with my now husband, and she came rushing over to me like a long-lost-friend - I simply looked at her, and said 'why are you talking to me now, at school you were a bitch to me, please go away'!!! My husband's mouth literally fell open and she stood there spluttering for words! I felt soooo smug!! I not only did what I should have done all those years ago - stood up for myself!! But the look on her face was priceless!! So, you feel smug, and enjoy it!!! Those who bully others, don't realise the lasting effect it has. As an adult I recognise that she was probably deeply unhappy, and there was probably a reason why she bullied other girls.

I am a people pleaser because of my school experiences. A certain girl made my life hell off and on. We were FB friends and I did see her once a few years after we left school and she admitted she was a bitch in school. I ended up removing her from my FB friends list and have done so with others. No-one should be made to feel bad by their peers. It’s soul destroying.

I saw a girl who racially abused me at school and was just generally vile to me. She was very fat, still living in the little town we grew up in and looked like shit. Didn’t say a word, that was enough for me. She was already a Grandmother as well at what was still very much a young age, under 40.

I feel sorry for my childhood bullies. They were obviously scared and insecure back then, so I hope things are better for them now.

I was bullied by two girls in the year above me at primary

These nasty witches beat me up,stole my money (lunch and emergency phone money in case I needed to phone home) ripped my work up,spat in my lunch etc

(This was the early to mid 80's and the teachers did nothing)

We grew up,.moved onto secondary and they stopped bullying-the teachers where red hot on stamping it out

Anyway,I had my first baby a few years after I left school and then her brother

They started school and one of the bullies sons became my sons bestie

I had to have dealings with her (coming for tea or playing out together etc) and I know by her face she felt guilty-she didn't have the best upbringing but I kept it cool and was polite for the boys (her ds was,and still is a lovely lad,she did a good job with him)

She now has a condition that makes her sweat stink of poo and fish and she's struggled with that and the deaths of her mum and siblings

The other bully is now a skint single parent who's struggling with men,benefits,housing,mental health and just life in general-shes had a very tough adult life

Can't say I'm feeling too sorry for either of them

A lass who attacked me has organised a few school reunions. She's actually lovely now. God knows what was going on then? I wasn't perfect either. I actually kicked the shit out of her in front of the whole school. She obviously thought tall skinny meant weak 🤣 She was unconscious which was worrying but not for long.

A lot of bullies had horrific home lives and some end up decent when they grow up. Some never leave the cycle of living shit lives.

Some people who are bullied take their own lives. More needs doing to protect dcs.

I'm glad you're ok @becomecomfortablynumb

Oh come on. Twenty years have passed. Yea she may be horrible but she could also be a completely different person now. Life changes people.

I'm not the same person I was at 16

I realise that when you're having a miscarriage you just want to get through it however you can, and it's good that she let your husband visit.

But otherwise, if I encountered a childhood bully in a professional context, I would be very tempted to ask for someone else and explain that I didn't want to deal with the person who bullied me at school.

I was bullied at secondary school. One of them even tried carrying it on when we were still adults down the pub, which mainly I found bizarre. She came from a lovely family, her sibling was my siblings best friend, her parents lovely. Sadly she went down a pathway to drugs and died very young. I was upset, for her family. I have no idea what happened in her life to cause her to turn out that way, maybe just choosing the wrong friends.

Another bully apologised to me as an adult, said she worked with vulnerable kids now and felt awful about how she'd treated me. She was quite drunk and told me I should punch her to make up for it. I wasn't that drunk, so didn't!

There were plenty others who weren't nice to me at school - now I'm diagnosed autistic, then I was just seen as weird. I don't really care what they're up to.

I don't believe in karma really. I'm happy enough with my life, but I'm fat and skint! I'm sure some people would probably laugh at me, and how I haven't achieved much, but oh well.

Head up. Tits out.

Stand tall.

Smile and be polite and pretend you don't know who she is.

That will absolutely finish her off, that she has no meaning or influence in your life. And you don't even recognise her. She's just a bit of dirt on your shoe that you've long kicked off.

I was bullied really badly. Am in my 50s and still getting treatment for the mental ill health and relationship issues it's caused me. I struggle to trust anyone, it causes problems in my relationship and my general self esteem is on the floor. I do feel that it completely broke me.

However I don't think this is fair. The bully was a child and often bullies are that way because of the way they are being treated at home. Not all of them but you really don't know what they've been through or what they are going through now. This person could be equally traumatised by abuse they had at home for instance.

I think it's better that the OP takes her satisfaction from seeing that she's come through the bullying but still made a success with her life, which is a testament to the OP and her resilience and resolve.

Absolutely feel smug OP! I sometimes wonder if school bullies are just lifelong pricks or have short memories. I had mine, who totally tortured me, message on Facebook years ago saying “OMG how are you hun!”. I just replied saying “Why are you messaging me you were a total fucking bitch in school, don’t you remember bullying me?”. I did nosey on her profile - her DH had cheated on her around that time and she was very vocal about it. I had no sympathy, and I hope he had a good time (not sorry)

Totally reasonable for you to feel proud of what you have achieved and to have overcome such bullying and hardship. However hard it’s been, you have not let this adversity hold you back. You deserve to feel good about this.

I will say though, that it’s worth reflecting on the fact that the bully you are remembering was a child at the time. That’s not to excuse what she did, but we all change as we mature and become different people throughout life. You have transformed yourself OP, it is possible this woman has done likewise. It’s also worth recognising that children who bully usually do so due to deep seated problems, often having experienced mistreatment themselves. As adults we can look back on our schooldays with a perspective we lacked when younger.

As her victim you do not need to forgive or care why she treated you so badly, but schadenfreude, smugness and superiority over this most likely quite unfortunate woman won’t really do your soul any good.

Reflect on your journey, take pride in your accomplishments, then move on and think no more about her.

I’ll just add that I was bullied when younger by two boys in lower secondary, and a girl in Year 11. Not as badly as you by the sounds of it, but they certainly made me very miserable for several years.

It later emerged that one of the boys was actually in care and suffered repeated sexual abuse and cruelty. He became an addict and died before he was 30.

The girl had significant mental health problems, sought help for them, became an academic psychologist and has written several books on adolescent mental health a bid to help others.

I can’t bring myself to feel anything but compassion for the boy now that I know his story, and I actually feel admiration for the girl. People are complex.

funnily enough those bullies could have also been neurodiverse, with difficulties that weren’t the same as yours. It’s shit that yours presented in a way that made you a target

You enjoy being smug! I feel a bit smug recently for similar reasons. I can’t stop smiling.

I don't agree. Why stoop to her level?