Bumping into your childhood bully - AIBU?

[becomecomfortablynumb]

I was horrendously bullied in secondary school, for no reason other than I am ND and struggle to fit in. I was left terrified of going near school, and for years refused to socialise. Even now I find my peers a bit scary. The worst thing was that they laughed at my name - which is a perfectly ordinary name, and the one my mam chose - but I hated being called my name for a very long time. They’d sing songs at me, throw food at me. I had to hide at lunch behind a wall.

That was nearly 20 years ago, we’re all now in our 30s. I now live 300 miles away from the miserable cesspit I grew up in. I very rarely go ‘home’.

I went ‘home’ this week to see relatives, and had to nip into the local shop I went to as a teenager.

One of the worst of the group still works there, countless years later. She looks 15 years older than me, she looked tired and miserable, clearly smokes 30 a day, and to be blunt, she’s the same size as I am.

Meanwhile I have a senior professional role. I have a good group of friends. I’m respected at my job and in my personal life. I’ve got two degrees, and I’m happy. Not happy all day every day, but mostly, I’m content.

I saw the woman who made my life hell, and walked straight past her. Everything she and her friends did to me, I’m now the one who’s laughing. AIBU to feel a bit smug?

Perhaps she’s happy and comfortable in her job and I think I should wish her all the best - I highly doubt she remembers anything about me now - not worth wasting my time thinking about it, perhaps.

I wasn't bullied but the ring of "beautiful and trendy" alpha girls were were a real piece of work and made the lives of others miserable. I bumped into one or two thirty years ago and like you @becomecomfortablynumb noticed they were no longer cool, had stayed in our home town and were working in dead end jobs. One of the girls they bullied was by then a Dr.

DD's boyfriend was horribly bullied at school to the point of leaving in Y12 and repeating elsewhere. He is now 6'3", and the gangly, awkward boy has morphed into an increasingly handsome young man who is professionally qualified and succeeding in his career. Fluent in three languages and well travelled and of course he is going to marry dd.

I think it's a thing that those who thrive on the herd mentality of schools do not necessarily thrive as well at life. It's perhaps a great fault in relation to the structure of education.

My ds was targeted by the school bully right from junior school, despite complaints to the headmaster it continued. The bully was from a tough family, and I think the hm was scared of them.
When my ds went up to the comp for his induction day, the bully who had moved up a year earlier, said to my ds "I'll be waiting for you"
There was no way I'd let my boy go through it all again, so I complained to the comp headmaster and also rang the school governors. It was looked into (the bully had made the threat in front of two of ds's friends) Upshot he was excluded for a week, and told not to approach my ds in any circumstance.

The very best thing though is my son is now the transport manager for the biggest employer in the area, and guess who applied for a yard maintenance job?
Ds said the look on the bully's face was priceless, when he recognised my ds!
My d's looked at him and just said "Not a chance"
Karma!

Don't dwell on the past, I know being the target of bullies is demeaning and destructive but you have done so well for yourself. Rise above them now, stand proud and keep doing what you do best......be a decent human being!

I walked into my bank once to provide documentation for an account and at the desk was the person who bullied me relentlessly at school. She smiled at me and said “Hiya xxxx how are you?!”.
I then said to her colleague sat next to her, “ sorry, I am not comfortable handing out my personal information to the person who bullied me at school. Can you handle this and in private”.

She just stared at me as we went to a different counter.

"Bullies fuck their victims up for life!" This is very true. I only know where one of my ex bullies works and often ponder revenge.

BE SMUG!!!

I left my home town at 19 to go to Uni. I return home every 6 weeks to get my hair done and see grandparents. Its a whole day trip and I often stay over as its a night my kid goes to his grandads.

I was bullied something awful as a child. I was negelcted so often had lice, was in and out of care, never had money for lunch etc

I was bullied constantly. Every lesson. From being beaten to gum in hair to someone cutting my hair off and another setting it alight in chemistry class. I was spat on daily for years. I became mute and agoraphobic. I was suicidal and they encouraged me to kill myself. One threw white spirit at my face. It was bad.

One of the worst girls was a stunner, truly gorgeous. She had the same name as me so it was a running joke to compare us.

I eventually got out, went to uni, travelled, was head hunted and am living a good, fufilled life. Some health niggles but all is well.

Anyway shes joined the salon where I get my hair done. She has lost most of her hair. She looks to be in her 50s not 30s. She is still living with her parents and has never left our little town. She looks miserable and rarely smiles. My stylist and me are close after 15 years of seeing her and she let on how my bully had a massive gap in work history as she had had a breakdown after a drug additiction in her 20s. All i could think of was good. Screw you. I am so glad she has suffered

the girl that literally made my early teens HELL, works in the chip shop in my parents village. It was so strange seeing her again as an adult .

Absolutely not being unreasonable, I love bumping in to my school bully and look down my nose at her.

Still living in the same old council estate, scruffy, poor, only a few crooked teeth left in her ugly head. Maybe I'm a bad person but it makes me feel bloody fantastic when I give her the old look up and down smirk thing 🤣.

Time is a great leveller and Karma always comes back to bite such people in the end.

I'd love to bump into my childhood bullies ...

... whilst driving a large truck.

@becomecomfortablynumb Wow, you’re so much nicer a person than I am! I wouldn’t have been able to resist a “aren’t you Sally Fartpants?” followed by a glance up and down her (you know, that thing loads of women do even to women they’re just passing in the street), a raised eyebrow and a smirk, at the very least. Well done you. Yanbu to feel smug. You should also feel proud!

Maybe they never had a great homelife. We just don't know what goes on behind closed doors. A friend of a friend of mine daughter used to be quite nasty to her step sister made her life hell. Her dad is a narcissist so when she saw him then returned to her mum's she took it out on them. She's now a mental health nurse emigrated to Australia and has a child of her own.

You are unhinged. If we all went around wronging the people who had wronged us, where would the world be? Whatever and whoever this woman might have been 20 years ago, who knows what state her life is in now? Why would anyone actively seek to have someone lose their job - and potentially their home, their security, causing issues for people who depend on them including children, maybe a disabled child, an elderly parent with dementia, a partner with cancer or who knows what?

The OP has every right to be proud of her achievements, particularly in the face on neurodiversity and a shit time at school. She can be smug if that works for her. But actively seeking to cause issues for this woman? No. That would make her as bad as, if not worse than, the teenage bully she used to be. OP has the benefit of experience and should get her kicks rising above it all, not by bringing herself down to the same level.

I despair. So many people never left the playground.

This. OP has already got the best revenge.

The ultimate goal would be for those people to never cross her mind, such is there insignificance and irrelevance in her life.

Mine was more of a mean girl former friend - as in when my family owned a successful business she was a friend but when the business closed ( I was 15) she didn't want anything to do with me. When I had my 1st DC at 21 I bumped into her and her gaggle of witches friends while visiting my parents and she told me that I had ruined my life, my partner would leave me and Id just be another single mum statistic. Lovely.
28 years later that same baby messages to ask if i knew ( mean girls name), because she had just been moved into a team under one of his direct reports and he had been at a site visit and chatting and she was from X town and been to X school in X year . He said, so has my mum, her maiden name was - my name- and apparently she looked like she was about to faint.

This sounds very like my story! 😀

I totally understand why you would feel smug, but also we need to remember people are not the same as they were when they were in school. People grow and change. No she absolutely shouldn't of bullied you and you are allowed to feel proud of all your achievements. But you saying all them negative things about her, when she probably doesn't even remember you. Does that not make you the same? You're a grown up now. How do you know what she's been through in her life? Again I'm sure it was awful for you to be bullied,.no condoning it at all. But All I got from this post is, I think I'm better than her. Which in my opinion doesn't make you better at all. Not one person is better than the other and it annoys me that people think that. Life's short, suck it up and give her as much thought as she gives you, none!!

If someone spent years bullying someone day in, day out they surely remember?! If they don't remember then I'd say they are the opposite of a nice adult as it shows that they haven't reflected on how they were at all.

Someone said to me once ‘karma is a bigger bitch than I’ll ever be’ and I live and die by it.

I understand why you would feel smug but I’d be inclined to take the higher ground and if you’re in again, say hello, ask how she is, let her see first hand how well you are and wish her well. Remember, unhappy people, make others unhappy.

Love that your story ended well and the bullies didn’t win!

Please don't follow this unhinged advice.

In middle school, I sat next to a warped little monster of a girl who systematically and deliberately thumped me on my right arm repeatedly till it hurt all the time. Nearly fifty years on and I'd still step over her if she was bleeding in the street. But I wouldn't do anything to harm those close to her or which could be used against me in a court of law and I'm very far from signing up to "be kind" or "be the bigger person." I've had a pretty good life; I wouldn't lose any sleep if she's been as miserable as sin. That would be revenge enough.

It’s surely never really a surprise when we find out our bullies are leading shitty lives is it? The kids who bully are generally the ones who are experiencing some sort of abuse or neglect or Iiving with domestic abuse, alcoholism, drug abuse or the like. So their life was never going to turn out great. It doesn’t make bullying any less evil for the kids experiencing it and I don’t blame you for feeling this way though.

Do you not find this though? That's the nastiest girls at school end up being bloody nurses and midwives! I mean wtf??

I feel sure he would understand. He knows what it's like to be ruled by fear. You had that in common. 💐

Someone used to bully me and ridicule me in secondary. I beat him up and gave him a black eye. It felt absolutely amazing.