Ex husbands demands

[lespameo]

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

Send him a link for a nanny agency. Even if there are no family who can do this, childcare can be arranged. The twat is just too tight to do this!

"That's ok. I'm sure they won't mind missing it too much, they can always come to the next one, can't they?"

Ha ha, nice try exh!

No relaxing wedding night to yourself when you already have kids unfortunately.

I think your proposed response is balanced. The sarcastic responses suggested just play into his hands - I always think any correspondence should be thought of as 'would I like this to be read by a judge?'.

Is the wedding further away from his current location? I wouldn't want my parents picking DC up from an Ex's wedding reception regardless.

Oh my god @Tomatocutwithazigzagedge I get the exact same! My weekend 'off' (it's not a weekend though, as they're usually back before lunchtime on Sunday), he constantly makes out that I'm living a hedonistic lifestyle and I should be grateful for him!!!

@OatFlatWhiteForMePlease I have no idea where his wedding is! A cricket club somewhere according to my children but location unknown. Assuming it's 45 mins drive away at least. So a 90 min round trip on the Friday evening.

I might reach out to my ex FIL who I'm on ok terms with and just say 'speak with your son and help him with a solution'.

Don’t reach out to your exFIL just yet, because that’s still acting like it’s your problem to solve for him. If he actually wants his dcs at his wedding he’ll sort it himself.

So just keep repeating “how you sort childcare on your access weekends isn’t my business, I’m not available but if you don’t want to have the twins at all that weekend,we me know and I’ll make other arrangements for the weekend.”

If he says he doesn’t want them for the whole weekend or can’t have them etc just keep it light, “ok I’ll make plans for the whole weekend, let me know if you change your mind”

Don't speak to FIL, this isn't your problem to fix.

Send back 'ok I'll tell the dc tonight' and leave it at that.

I'd not bother telling them anything at the moment tho as he's trying to punish you for not doing as he wishes. He thinks that you'd rather do as you're told than tell the dc. Chances are if push comes to shove he'll find a solution. But at the moment it's easier for him to emotionally black mail you into submission.

Of he comes back with anything else just send him a thumbs up emoji

@FancyBiscuitsLevel @JustWalkingTheDogs you're both right, i won't contact FIL

Yes the arsehole doth protest too much!

@lespameo I recently read a thread about mum who's ex was threatening her with court for not facilitating contact over Christmas. Her son was an adult that didn't even live at home. The legends response was.... Let me know how that works our for you. That's hoe she dealt with the exa nonsense. That or 👍. It seemed to work for her. Hopefully, it will work for you.

Honestly even if you hadn’t any plans in advance he is being a bit unreasonable he’s no need to be kicking off seen as it’s his issue really not
yours!! especially if yours and his weekends don’t ever change (me and my ex swap here and there for whatever reason) at their ages he can get a family friend / babysitter to watch the kids for the night if he needs to! That is his weekend! His responsibility!
you created them babies 50/50 you should not have to be the go to when he’s made plans on his weekend!
I bet if the kids are off sick that’s on you? Doctors? Opticians etc etc anyway, If it was that important as a wedding they are usually planned waaaay in advance! He should have ASKED you to swap weekends with him months ago! And not just expect you to drop your plans at the drop of a hat!
he needs to sort the childcare it’s his weekend,
you are in no way in the wrong!

I should add - I went above and beyond when I first split with my kids father, I even had him
at the birth when he had cheated at 8 months
pregnant Because I wanted him to have the same bond he had with the second child as
he had with our first!
I put up with a lot of backwards and forwards, he moved an hour away and barely saw them during Covid! But I made sure they had a good bond with their dad! FaceTiming talking in the phone as much as they would allow, they were very young! It worked out in the end. He moved back closer to the kids and they see him every weekend now and him and his GF even dropped the kids off all suited and booted at my mums wedding AND picked then
up again in the evening which I thought was so lovely! I asked way in advance of course and they did. It’s something a lot of exs don’t have nowadays but I really hope he can sort without making you feel rubbish as like
i I said it is on him! Not you! Sending positive vibes lovely xxx

What a D**K haha 😜

@lespameo How are things? Did you meet the dickhead last night?

This!

he sounds awful OP. Definitely time to stop doing him any favours. It’s shit for the kids but that’s entirely on him, nothing you are doing adds to that. Plus, it doesn’t sound like they get much out of seeing him anyway.

So I work as a Family Court Advisor. You can refuse mediation on the basis of his controlling behaviour. Is there a Child Arrangement Order in place? With regards to the handover arrangements it is often an expectation that handovers are half way… sounds like he was a really being difficult for the sake of it though and he is not demonstrating that he is co parenting with you rather seeing them as a possession on alternative weekends he has them. Is there a family member that could pick them up after the wedding? My opinion would be that I would rather step in and get them in order that I knew that they were ok x

what do your children want to do?

If you get on ok with exFIL, I would let him know the situation. Not to try & solve the problem for exH, but because it will damage your relationship with exFIL when exH tells everyone you are refusing to let DC attend the wedding. He is obviously not going to tell his family or the DC the truth.

I think a court will let you bypass mediation if there is history of domestic abuse, which control would now be classed as. Good luck, I've been there, and I did actually end up picking my kids up from my existing wedding reception, also a 90 min round trip, as he's a muggy c##t! Thankfully they're adults now so I don't have to deal with him any more!

I'd be soooo tempted to say "I can't help this time but I promise, the next time you get married, I'll do all I can to help".

I'm absolutely NOT suggesting you do this, but let's be honest, there's pretty much bound to be a next time!

I'm so sorry, I have plans that day. But I'm sure you'll have another wedding, so don't sweat it.

OK don't say that last part! ;)

Thank you all for your comments and advice.

@TheFormidableMrsC I took the children to the meeting point on Friday but didn't get out of the car or speak with him. Just gave the kids a big kiss and said have a lovely time. Within 30 mins I had an aggressive text:

I’ll tell you now. The twins will absolutely never ever forgive you if they can’t come to the wedding. I’m going to make it very clear to them that it’s you who is refusing to pick them up (or arrange for someone else to if you’re not available) on the evening of the wedding.

I didn't reply. I didn't speak with him when I got the kids back at 11 this morning. However he has made me out to be the baddie as the first thing the children said to me was 'you need to get aunty to pick us up from daddy's wedding or we can't go' and my son was welling up.

I am so so cross that he has bought my children into this and basically made me out to be the villain.

I am really in two minds about what to do because I have to think about my mental health here as well as my kids wellbeing.

Oh OP. He's such a twat. I'm so sorry.
Why don't you tell him that "aunty" is not available and that this is manipulation. However given the circumstances you've found a nanny to pick them up and that it will cost him £100.

And see what he says !

Wow. What an absolute arse! This is exactly why you need a court appointed/approved app to monitor the communication and how he treats you.
You have time to go through the courts for an official contact arrangement. His wedding is a while away yet and while you could arrange for someone to pick up or change plans etc (I don't think you should). You know he is doing this more to control/punish you than because of the kids. This is just going to continue. Please look after yourself mental health and kids in the long term.

My SS stayed with us in the wedding suite on our wedding night! It never was a consideration for him not to, we wanted him to be a massive part of the day. He had loads of people he knew at our wedding (we’d been together 8 years before getting married) and had a great night celebrating with everyone.

This is a him issue on his own time! Like Roger’s have said, say sorry, no, over and over!