Ex husbands demands

[lespameo]

Would like some perspective on this please...

Have been split for 6 years/ divorced for 5 and it's not been an amicable split really as he loves to argue over the smallest of things and I think he despises the fact he isn't in control of my life anymore. (control being the main reason for the split and documented in the divorce papers).

We share 2 x dc who he chooses to see EOW but only on the basis that I drive half way (drop off 6pm Friday, get back Sunday lunch time, dependent on ds football match). He moved 45 mins away to live with his new partner and her 2 dds and is getting married to her this summer.

I have been with my new partner for 5 years.

XHs wedding is scheduled in August and today he text to ask that I collect dc from the wedding reception in the evening. I wasn't aware of the specific date until today, and I have already got tickets for my partners and my favourite band. it's my partners birthday that day too.

The wedding is scheduled on his normal weekend to see the kids, hence me booking the tickets, months ago.

He is arguing the toss with me that I should cancel my plans and that I'm being unreasonable as 'it's his wedding day' (wedding number 3 may I add).

The DC will be 10 at the time of the wedding. I've suggested he asks a family member to take the DC home and that as it's his weekend, it's not my fault that I've already made plans and that I'm not purposely being difficult.

AIBU?

If I was an evil git like he seems to be, I would be talking up how wonderful the wedding is going to be in between now and then, so that he can heap more blame on you for them 'not being able to come now'

Watch for that.

@Imbusytodaysorry I know and I agree, I've been in this situation myself. You can totally see the smirk. My concern here would be tit for tat and having the children let down at the very last minute because he won't come and get them, he'd rather fail them to get one over on OP. I'm absolutely with you on this though.

For somebody getting married again he's still totally obsessed with you OP!

OP has to tell the kids they aren’t going this weekend.
He then has time to arrange future pick up and drop off that OP agrees with .

Ive been here too and been too soft gets you nowhere.
I am angry for her .

This. It's MONTHS away, he has so much time to problem solve this non-problem. They're 10, they can run around at the wedding with the other children, or stay with one of his relatives.

But yeah, childcare isn't the issue, you not doing what you're told is the issue!

This..
You are engaging with him far too much. That gives him ammunition.
In future, all communication through a court approved app and nothing else. And very basic yes or no responses. Such as no that is not possible. Don't complain and don't explain. He doesn't need to know you are going to a gig or anywhere else.

Moving forward he picks the kids up from your house, you pick them up from his for the return. None of this meeting halfway. If he won't that's his issue and be honest about that with the kids. I'm really sad you won't get to see daddy this weekend but let's do something nice instead and let them choose an activity. Refuse mediation because he's been abusive and it failed previously. And if he threatens court fine.
Wonder how long this marriage will work..

@Imbusytodaysorry @TheFormidableMrsC

I definitely don't want to come across as playing games/ tit for tat and think not taking them today would 100% be taken as that.

I honestly don't know what to do about this weekend. Take them at 6 (as planned) and get them back Sunday morning, then send a straight forward text to say that going forwards, I won't be driving the children to the half way point and that a court order is needed to ensure we don't have any scenarios like this happening in the future.

Keep it short. Meeting half way is no longer working for you, give the alternative you want, and then stop there. Don't engage in back and forth. If he says that he's only willing to do halfway, just say 'OK' and leave it at that - the ball is in his court.

Then it's up to you if you want to warn him that you'll be moving forward to get a court order.

Personally I wouldn't mention it yet, not until you know what the steps are and you're started on them.

I mean, even with the court order he'll probably try to mess you about - mine does - and it's the most easy going court order for him ever - he just has to give 2 weeks notice of a proposed visit - that's it. Still he tries to slide them in with only 10 days notice (and I just reject them out of hand - you have to enforce the boundary or they'll take you for a ride)

Think you are doing the right thing.

don’t respond. If he messages again “my position hasn’t changed, I will not travel to collect the children part way through your contact weekend. If you no longer wish to see them that weekend let me know.”

the week before the wedding text (so you have it in writing) “to confirm, while this is booked at your contact time, I believe you don’t wish to see the children this weekend.”

refuse to be drawn. Refuse to get involved in fixing it. Arrange for someone to be on stand by to look after the dcs while you at the gig.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this utter prick. But you have been given some really good advice from others who have also had to deal with utter pricks and I am sure you will be able to find a way to stop him getting to you.

I would go ahead with the arrangements this weekend for meeting half way, with absolutely no interaction with him, then on Monday morning I would send him a text as you suggested, start your own application for a court order and then concentrate on grey-rocking his inevitable tantrum.

Give your kids calm, breezy, non judgey responses to any questions. “I’m not sure why daddy feels that way, no I don’t know why he said that, I don’t really understand why he has done that but never mind, we’ve got something really nice planned instead” type of thing. Cross your fingers behind your back if necessary. They will definitely figure him out in time 😔

And don’t give in on the wedding weekend! He’s an arse who cares more about getting a rise out of you than having a(nother) lovely wedding day with his nearest and dearest around him.

The question with the half way pick ups is really what do you actually want? If the answer is for him to do all the travelling tbh I don't know whether a court would support that. You have done it for 2 years so it is not impossible. The alternative is that he collects from you but then you collect from his on a Sunday. If you'd prefer that then go for it. Even if he agrees to collect them or is court ordered to do so the chances are he's going to refuse to return them feeding them all sorts of lies about you not wanting them back, not being bothered to collect them etc etc.

In terms of the wedding you are absolutely correct to refuse. His weekend his problem. If he refuses to collect them at all then that's his doing - I'd assume he isn't due to have them till Friday at 6pm anyway? I'd have a standby so you can still do your weekend. Don't tell the kids anything- carry on assuming they are going, talk about your daughters dress etc. Let him disappoint them by not showing up for them. Hopefully your parents can handle the kids very disappointed and can set up some stuff for them? The danger is he wrecks your weekend by the kids being in such a state you can't leave them I suppose. But they will know he chose not to collect them and excluded them from his wedding - that is quite damaging for his relationship with them. Can you plan to take them away somewhere from the Saturday lunchtime for a day or two, something exciting, so they know you have plans for them to look forward to?

I'd move communication to a court approved app now as he is going to get nastier towards you as the day approaches. That will get you out of any mediation as it will clearly show he's abusive. But yes a court order would be my next step.

@lespameo cant you just start today as you mean to go on .
Just because you have done it for 2 years doesn’t mean you have to or that a court would order it .
Your solicitor can say you have been doing what’s Is best for the kids because you ex didn’t . It’s now time for him to step up as he moved away.Let him take you to court what will he say ?
My ex won’t jump to my tune anymore .
This way you can push for school
collection on a Friday and school drop off on a Monday . If you ex says no to a judge doesn’t really look like a caring father.
I hate that that full time parent feels they are going to get in trouble or look bad. .

Don’t feel guilted or worried into doing what he says. .
Why not start with a white lie today and at your car is in the garage .
Then on Sunday send a message about court order moving forward as you can no long accommodate his demands / needs .
He has to organise collecting and dropping of the kids on his time from immediate effect.

My ex was like this, always switching weekends at the last minute etc. I once booked a very rare weekend trip home with my partner and it was only when I was about to board a plane that he announced by text that he'd forgotten it was his weekend with DS and that he wouldn't be picking him up from his sports club on the Friday as arranged and confirmed over several weeks.

Also used to refer to the EOW arrangement as my "entitlement to time off". 😂😂 What a cock!

The idea was to keep me in some kind of nervous holding pattern on those weekends, so that I wouldn't enjoy myself. He would also tell me that my son would call only if there was a problem. So I wouldn't know if he'd picked him up after his club, and would only tell me the train arrival times on Sunday with 20 minutes or so to spare so that I wouldn't be able to make plans for myself on the day and have to hang around checking my phone.

Luckily I learnt to preempt his twattish behavior and always arranged a plan B to Z. But it's hard without support.

At the beginning of the EOW arrangement I would get guilt tripped at making plans for my free weekend being "more important than my child", when he'd f*cked up dates, or when I was trying to pin him down to a time for drop-off, especially when he tried to lay his sob sorry onto my DS.

Then in a moment of clarity I wondered why I let it bother me so much to defend myself to the selfish nob, and why I was so bothered about his opinion of me. He'd bad mouth me either way!

So my answer now to the snippy comment about the gig would just be: "Yeah we're going to see XXXX, I'm really looking forward to it, can't wait. 👍."

Then I'd probably type and delete "Enjoy your wedding! Third time lucky eh? 🤞🤞🤞"

What was the outcome of the collection for your son if you were boarding a plane ? I need more info lol

This is perfect. Absolutely nothing more needs to be said.

You need to take the emotion out of your responses OP. Give him nothing.

In regards the wedding weekend, which day is the wedding?

Is he demanding that you collect them the Saturday evening ?

@Imbusytodaysorry our mutual friends (the husband of which my ex used to suck up to (very rich, successful guy) and wouldn't have dared act like a petty arsehole around) had already been primed to have him for the two overnights, had a bag packed and handed over, and were there watching my DS play in his club. I told DS that there might be a problem with the trains so he may have to stay with our favourite friends. (🙄 lying to cover up his feckless arse).

I called them when he sent me the text, and the friends husband called my ex (he wouldn't pick up the phone if I called, just hang up) and told him to get his arse over on the train and pick up his child immediately.

He went over like a little lamb. 🤣🤣🤣

Yah! 😂 Well done

I think doing it this weekend would be a good idea and then suggesting that it is formalised going forward. I'd just say that it is not possible for you to drive them half way on an ongoing basis and therefore alternative arrangements need to be made

What a cunt!

I'd end the 'driving halfway' thing straight away and say he has to pick the dc up. If he doesn't want to or can't be arsed, fine. He loses out. You can tell the dc something age-appropriate.

The wedding? Stand by your guns.

Your ex is a selfish, self-obsessed narc.

And get a court order! Good luck.

i would say going through the stress and expense of a court order is only really worth it if you are realistically going to hold him to it (ie, going back to court if he breaches it).

and the driving half-way thing would probably be expected by the judge as the normal way of things, and would require this to continue.

maybe your DC aren't bothered, but if it's something they're used to and is baked into your normal fortnightly routine, then it could be quite disruptive to suddenly change things (even though it makes things fairer for you).

i feel like this is worth playing the long-game over - make sure your DC see that you're consistent and safe and reasonable, and not making them feel like they're an inconvenience.

for the wedding, fully agree with your current approach - remind him he has time to fix the situation himself, but have a contingency in place (your parents) if he can't/won't budge.

and don't shield them from his decisions!

are you on speaking terms with his parents?

Hi just a heads up that if you go to court, it's likely to be that the collecting parent picks up so each parent is sharing the driving load - that's what we have and many others I know. It works well if it's hostile too so you don't really see the other parent as kids can just come out of house alone at older age and basically tells the other parent if you want your kids, you pick them up xx

"You can tell the twins that you can’t pick them up from the wedding because you’d rather go to a gig."

He'd rather not have them for 1 of his 2 nights out of 14, and made plans to go on honeymoon during his time with them, rather than wait 1 more day, but he's trying to guilt trip you for making plans on one of your 2 nights without them.
Honestly top notch a*hole this one. Can't imagine why you ever separated.

I agree with not letting him drag you back and forth on it.

(But if I was going to get drawn into it, it would be something like the kids will wonder why they can't stay for all of daddy's wedding on daddy's weekend and why he's going on holiday without them when it's their time with you, but you can try to explain that one to them as I really can't understand why you don't want them to be part of your wedding to be honest.

I might even springboard into the whole meeting in the middle thing and say if you really don't want them there I'll make alternative arrangements for them but since you clearly don't value your time together, I'll no longer be facilitating your weekends by meeting half way, if you want to see them you can make the effort and collect them.

But I expect if you do go down that route of not meeting in the middle, he may collect but then refuse to bring them back and you'll end up fetching them routinely going forward.
If you can stick it out, refuse to collect them, he'll break because he won't want them around full time when he's used to being an EOW dad. )

I'd be so tempted to say "Sorry - busy that day so can't do it. Hopefully I'll be free on the next one though."

I feel sorry for the kids who aren't wanted at their own father's wedding reception! He wants them there for the photos but doesn't want the responsibility of looking after them the rest of the day.

I believe a court will normally mandate that the person that has moved away travels to collect and drop off the kids, but I, personally, wouldn't rock that boat at the moment. Stick with the "no, I can't do that" for the wedding day - if it's his weekend, it's his responsibility to sort childcare. If you were free and able to collect, that's fair enough, but if you didn't know when the wedding was, and it was his weekend to have the kids, he'll just have to suck it up that he wasn't organised enough to ask you in advance.