DH said we have nothing in common

[NewYearSameMeeee]

We've been together 14 years, pretty happily.
An argument ensued last night as DH constantly seems to be arranging nights out/trips/meals with friends, but rarely with me. I'm pretty laid back as I believe autonomy is part of married life. No trust issues etc on either side - infidelity isn't the concern. I just feel he doesn't plan much with me.
I've booked for us to see a Comedian we both like and stay over in a nice hotel (last night he tells me he doesn't enjoy stand-up) I suggested going for a meal, he says everything we do revolves around food 🤷‍♀️, suggested maybe days out to nearby little towns (he says we've done them all). Then said we have nothing in common and that's the problem. It stings.
Wondering what the point is anymore if that's how he feels.
When he goes out with friends they generally go to things I wouldn't enjoy such as sports events, music nights in working men's clubs etc - but none of the wives go to these so it's not just me. I'm figuring he enjoys those things and so do his friends and he has plenty of freedom but it would be nice if there was a bit of enthusiasm spending time with me.
He goes for curries with his mates every other week. I do all the cooking at home so sometimes I'd like to have a break from that and go for a meal, but he says the curries are cheap, whereas I'd want to go to a nice pub (is that unreasonable occasionally?)
I'm pretty homely, but I'd like to go out sometimes with my DH else I may as well be single. Am I over reacting?

He doesn't sound very likeable.
OP, you are 49, four years older than myself.
May I ask, why did you marry again?
I don't have a problem in my marriage, but would never do that again and rather enjoy life of being single, especially as far as living alone goes.
No kids here, either.

I suspect you are very bored op

At 35 years old
you decided to go part time to do the cooking and the housework
no children
and not well off

My partner and I do live quite independent lives and I see that as a good thing. I think it's possible to be very happy in that set up but only if it suits you. In your case it seems to be working well for him, he's living his best life but it's not working for you. The crucial bit is he doesn't seem to care that you are unhappy. He is just dismissing you. Perhaps this relationship has run it's course. You should do what you feel will make you happy and that may not be him.

Yep! He’s had his head turned.

This was exactly how it started for me.

He said we weren’t compatible (after being together for 18 years already 🙄) but this was around the time his four year affair with a woman on his sports team started.

I’d have sworn up and down he never would have cheated on me right up until the day it all came to light. It turns out I didn’t know him at all.

So... your plans are 'all about food' but he goes for a curry with his mates every other week? Sorry but make that make sense!

OP, you need to be telling him: 'Either shape up, or ship out'!

@NewYearSameMeeee I'm so sorry - that was a tough start when you were pretty young- have you got any close family close by or good friends?? It sounds to me as if you have focussed on him being your everything - ( which often causes issues when they don't feel the same way) and he's simply just not that kind of guy - I must admit I would feel rather 'used' in your position

It's money imo.
He goes for a curry with his mates- £30
You go for a meal together £80.
He's a cheapskate.

Get an evening hobby op while you explore your choices.
Do you want an intimate relationship?

I can't imagine being 49 and never having fun again. Whether it be trips out, sex or both.

It's money imo.
He goes for a curry with his mates- £30
You go for a meal together £80.
He's a cheapskate.

Get an evening hobby op while you explore your choices.
Do you want an intimate relationship?

I can't imagine being 49 and never having fun again. Whether it be trips out, sex or both.

@NewYearSameMeeee basically you have a lodger. Not a relationship. The company. The chat… you could get all that from a friend or lodger.

I would want more from a relationship. I want more emotion, affection and fucking effort.

I would want the majority of socialising and company during the week to be based on me… not friends.

I want effort made to do things outside the home.

if he can’t do that and won’t make the effort with counselling then what’s the point in continuing.

are you happy for it to continue like this for another 20/30 years until you become his carer and be resents you as he can’t go out in the same vein and is stuck in the house with only you for company?

I repeat - you do not currently have a relationship. I can get this level of companionship from friends, acquaintances and random strangers I talk to..

Yes you could be right.

I'm mid 50s and always doing stuff mainly with dh but often with friends. Out tonight with dh and family for drinks and curry.

Do things for you @NewYearSameMeeee . Make it NewYearNewYou ❤️

I agree that, if there is no infidelity, the relationship seems to have run its course. Much better to be single than to feel sidelined like this.

It's over

This.

Is there a buxom barmaid at the working man's club perchance?

Just bc you know he's definitely "out with the lads" doesn't mean they won't cover for him, I have first hand experience of this.

He thinks he has nothing in common with you, doesn't want to spend time with you, but enjoys the home life you provide. I'd tell him he either needs to find a way to enjoy spending time with you, or the home comforts stop. You aren't his maid or his cook. He makes it work, or you find someone you do have things in common with

I think posters saying the op just leave him are missing fact she two decades from retirement age, works part time and appears to have no friends.

That is tricky to just.., walk away. She’s made herself pretty dependent on him

I think there are deeper issues here OP, he sounds like he doesn't want to connect with you, or meet you halfway, so it wouldn't matter what you suggested, he will shoot it down, because he doesn't want to spend that time with you while you are obviously having issues.

Without getting personal what is the reason you don't have any intimacy? Does he see that as originating from you, and a reason why he is reluctant to meet you halfway? or is it a mutual distancing from each other?

I would normally say that he has a (little bit of a) point, you aren't interested in anything he wants to do (even when he is inviting you out with him), or any outdoor activities, and seem to shoot down any of his suggestions (at least on here you are), so he has decided to dig his heels in and not do the things you want to do either, you both seem quite guilty of it to be honest, but you need to find some common ground, even if it is a tit for tat type deal.. he picks an activity one week and you pick an activity one week and you both agree to be a bit more open to the possibilities.

You both need to want to find common ground, or you may as well split up, it shouldn't be this hard when it is just the two of you to please.

What does he say when you ask him for ideas of things you can do together, or does he just say you have nothing in common?

As in if you say, "where do YOU want to go for a day trip?"

Is there some way you can do something related to the sport you mention you have in common that doesn't involve going to games? e.g. a museum or exhibition or themed bar or something?

Otherwise are there any other activities you could potentially enjoy together? Axe throwing maybe? 😂

I could understand it if you had kids and they'd been your focus and then they'd grown up and you were figuring out what you liked again. But what did you do at the start of your relationship, and up until now? Just the day trips, and maybe eating out until he got bored of that?

I don't have kids either but my partner has a lot of different interests and while I don't share all of them, there are plenty I do and we do together, like board games, gardening, cooking together with some kind of twist to make it different to normal, going to the gym or swimming, having a defined movie/series night instead of just watching whatever's on, just chatting and discussing random things, talking about changes we want to make to the house/decor, plans to make to see friends and family, etc.

I don’t think it’s infidelity or The Script or a plan to separate. I just think he’s happy with his life of doing as he pleases and having his meals prepared and clothes ironed for him. He would go on like this for the next quarter century given the chance.

I was about to say that I wouldn't be 100% that he was actually out with these 'friends' when he says he is. He could be seeing anyone and telling you he was out with anyone who will cover for him.

But it does sound to me as though it's over. Get yourself more hours at work, live alone and please yourself what you do in your spare time. There is nothing worse than feeling you have to 'force' someone to spend time with you - and they will almost universally make the experience a misery for you if they don't want to be there.

How would he react if you told him you felt unhappy and lonely? Do you think he'd be dismissive, or do you think that would upset him and he'd want to do something to help?

What is the reason there is no intimacy? Is that a problem for you?

His comments about the counselling do make him sound like a total moron I'm afraid.

Go back to work FT and get a cleaner, and make your plans to leave. What life is this?!

"I feel like a live in housekeeper/cook, whose a bit of an inconvenience as wants to be taken out sometimes"

I think that's what he has set up for you OP, you're basically the live in help, sex maid without the sex, so basically just a Mum. Someone to make his dinner and give him a cuddle, but not someone he wants to actually socialise with.

I would consider separating since he doesn't want to even consider counselling. It's not a partnership anymore OP. Xx

Maybe the threat of separation might give him a kick up the arse but I would consider walking if he doesn't want to even try to make it work as a romantic relationship anymore.

They also own the house mortgage free. She could take her share, get a small place of her own, either outright or with a small mortgage. Pick up one extra shift a week which will be easy when she doesnt have his 'wife work' as a time drain.

She is only trapped if she lets herself be. She's in a much stronger position to leave than many women on here.

I was in a sexless, affectionless relationship for 6 years. Its bloody miserable and no way to live. It becomes a really difficult part of the relationship to address- if you issue an ultimatum you are then coercive, but if the other half doesnt see it as a blip and refuses to seek help or understand their issues they are making a decision for both parties. Its horrible, draining and kills your self esteem.

What if you said "as we have nothing in common, do you think we have a future together "?

If he really feels this way, it's likely that one of you will meet someone else (who they like actually spending time with).

Perhaps you should move on to this next phase sooner than later.