DH said we have nothing in common

[NewYearSameMeeee]

We've been together 14 years, pretty happily.
An argument ensued last night as DH constantly seems to be arranging nights out/trips/meals with friends, but rarely with me. I'm pretty laid back as I believe autonomy is part of married life. No trust issues etc on either side - infidelity isn't the concern. I just feel he doesn't plan much with me.
I've booked for us to see a Comedian we both like and stay over in a nice hotel (last night he tells me he doesn't enjoy stand-up) I suggested going for a meal, he says everything we do revolves around food 🤷‍♀️, suggested maybe days out to nearby little towns (he says we've done them all). Then said we have nothing in common and that's the problem. It stings.
Wondering what the point is anymore if that's how he feels.
When he goes out with friends they generally go to things I wouldn't enjoy such as sports events, music nights in working men's clubs etc - but none of the wives go to these so it's not just me. I'm figuring he enjoys those things and so do his friends and he has plenty of freedom but it would be nice if there was a bit of enthusiasm spending time with me.
He goes for curries with his mates every other week. I do all the cooking at home so sometimes I'd like to have a break from that and go for a meal, but he says the curries are cheap, whereas I'd want to go to a nice pub (is that unreasonable occasionally?)
I'm pretty homely, but I'd like to go out sometimes with my DH else I may as well be single. Am I over reacting?

I went part time around 6 years ago aged 43. The idea being we'd have more time to do things come evenings or weekends. It rarely happens though. Instead I just do housework or arrange to see friends ad he's usually busy 😬

Who would you say is responsible for the lack of intimacy and how long has it been like that?

You are bored that’s the problem, you need to find something to make your life interesting and not rely on your husband to do it for you

i don’t think that’s fair. It’s healthy and normal to want to do things together such as eating out with your partner.

The OP doesn’t seem dissatisfied with the rest of her life (spa days etc) she’s just (quite rightly) upset & disappointed that her husband doesn’t want to do things with her but is happy to do them with his mates.

OP, your updates have been hard to read. For me, indifference is the death knell for a friendship. In a marriage? Fuck that.

Go back to full time work. Get him to pick up 50% on the domestic front. Then you won’t be so bored and you will have more money to enjoy yourselves or to split up if you can’t resolve your issues.

For the simple reason that women are dealt a really awful card when it comes to coupling. A man of that age is going to find a woman no problem when they split up, and unfortunately the statistics show that (I am quoting from when Harry met Sally) there is more of a chance for a woman over 30 to be hit by lightning, than finding a good man to settle down with. He will be fine if she splits from him, I am not sure she will be fine, unless she is happy to be totally on her own. Criticise me all you want, but it is brutal out there for women over 30.

She might not find a good man, but she'll find a better one than that.

Bloody hell - stick with this plod in case you can’t get anything better?? I’d rather be on my own than be someone’s ‘housekeeper’ when I’m meant to be their wife. No intimacy, no kids, no time together outside the home, no effort from him - no point really.

It seems like the situation is a combo of him taking you for granted and you wanting more interest and connection in your life. I think it's worth you dropping the "pursuit" for a while and focusing on building a more fulfilling life without him (whilst still staying in the relationship). He may suddenly find you more interesting if he senses you are moving on and if he doesn't you will be well prepared for life without him. A full time job also sounds like a good idea.

He has checked out of the marriage. He does not need you and he does not see why he should make any effort to make you happy. You are a companionable housekeeper.

You have three choices. Put up with this lonely situation for another 40 years.

Make a life for yourself within the marriage. Do things alone or with friends and stop trying to engage his attention.

Or leave the marriage with the potential hardship, trauma and loneliness.

Lots of men and women have this choice. I did and decided to stay and make a life for myself within the marriage. It happened to me when I was 50. I remember thinks, ‘0h god another 30 years of this’ . Well the thirty years is nearly up. It wasn’t easy. I do resent him for checking out, but did not like the two alternatives.

It does seem you maybe drifting away from each other, it happens. My sister and her dh both love going away to different cities and food is a big part of it. Point being there is nothing wrong with that at all as long as you both like it.

If he really believes (and maybe you do too) that you have little or nothing in common, I would cut my losses and leave.

It's very American, but I think this is solid good advice:

vm.tiktok.com/ZGdA6CSCB/

I have to agree, sorry. My now ex husband said exactly the same, 2 weeks later he left and I'm afraid there was another woman. Have a serious talk, and take care of yourself.

It's better to be alone than living like this. You are getting all the crap parts of being married and none of the good parts. He has no interest in saving a marriage he knows is in trouble, and he will drop you when it suits him anyway.

His stated values mean nothing - no-one's ever going to say 'I believe in having affairs if I want to'. I'd divorce him if i were you, before I had to find out about the inevitable other woman.

There's no need to fear being alone. I live alone at 60, am poor as a church mouse, and I have a bloody great time. Only myself to answer to. It's freedom.

Well said, @ChristmasFluff !

Honestly I think you should probably find full time work and stop doing all the house stuff. Tell him that part of the deal was to have more time together which isn't happening so there's no point. Tell him to do his own washing and cook on X days. Then make plans for the rest of your life. Find people who enjoy things you want to do. You are right that it's fine to have separate interests but it's also part of marriage and friendship to compromise sometimes. He doesn't feel like he should do I'd leave him to his friends!

I don't think you can force him to spend time doing activities with you. If on balance, you like your life and you rub along nicely and have a comfortable life, then crack on, live your life without him with the added benefit of a nice home and companion when in.

Another agreeing you really need to be getting back to work full time and take control of your life. Sorry to say, I also heard that script right before I discovered the affair and right before he moved in with the other woman.

i agree that it’s the Script and he’s otherwise engaged..

Get yourself sorted for independence

You need to sit him down and find out what he wants after you’ve had a thought about whether you want this for the rest of your life. He may already have someone else. Dh and I go out a lot separately but make an effort at least once a month to go out for dinner even if to the local pub.

It sounds like your more like roommates than a married couple. You've told him several times how you feel and have tried to be proactive but he's not willing to meet you half way. The harsh truth of it is he doesn't care enough about you to try. Please don't beg for his love.

It's soul destroying being in a relationship with someone who's checked out. I've been there and was so lonely in that relationship. I'm on my own now and very rarely feel lonely. Honestly im so much happier. And you deserve better.

Sounds more like he doesn’t like her very much

Get back to work full-time first.
Let him sort his own food and laundry.
Sorry OP, but this marriage is over.
You have given up work to be his white appliance and skivvy.
Have you paid extra into your pension for the last 6 years?
If not do so now.
He doesn't want to be with you anymore.
Best you split and you move on.
You may still be lonely but at least you have the chance and idea of more.
Right now you are sitting at home waiting for this selfish prick to give you crumbs.
Scree that.

Yeah he's bored with you because you're in the house doing all the boring shit he don't want to do and you've got nothing exciting to bring to the table. Tell him to do his own laundry and half the housework and you get yourself out and live life.