To think couples who can’t afford IVF shouldn’t try to crowdfund it?

[DearOpalFinch]

Having a baby is a personal choice. Is it fair to expect strangers to pay for it?

I think that’s a valid concern and one I’ve thought about as well. Raising a child is a huge financial commitment, and if someone is already struggling to afford IVF, it does raise questions about how they’ll handle the long-term costs of parenting.

That said, I also understand that for some people, the upfront cost of IVF might be a one-time hurdle, whereas they feel confident about managing the ongoing expenses of raising a child. It’s a complex issue and I think this is part of why crowdfunding for something like IVF can spark such mixed reactions - it brings up so many layers of practical and emotional considerations.

I can kind of understand where you're coming from OP.

It troubles me that because of scientific advances we now see infertility as something we can - and should - always be able to solve, so long as we preserve and throw an unlimited amount of money at it.

I have known a lady have her second baby in her fifties because she just kept going through countless IVF cycles for decades until eventually she got there. And I've known couples destroy their mental health and lose all their savings when really there was never much hope for them to conceive, and they were never successful in the end.

It doesn't sit well with me and I think rather than persevere with IVF whatever the financial, emotional or physical cost we should make adoption and fostering much more positive acceptable options.

Exactly, asking folk for money does result is some folk saying 'I have to donate, to show support for my friend'. I wish folk would stop asking all the time.

IVF is very expensive. The older you get, the more expensive it becomes for a significant lower chance of success.

A 40 year old crowfunding for IVF is asking money for a dream. Spending £20-40k for a 20% or less chance of success can feel overly daunting and guilt ridden.

Asking people to provide £10, of they wish too is not, for most who agree to do so, such an anxiety led choice.

I've never seen such a request, but if I did, from friends or strangers, I would contribute without a thought.

While I fully empathise with the struggle of wanting a child, it raises broader questions for me about where we draw the line when it comes to seeking financial help from strangers.

There's that WE again, OP. There is no we. There is only the individual when it comes to financially donating to somebody or not.

Why do you need a discussion about something that isn't within your gift to decide? This isn't about fiscal responsibility it seems purely to be you wanting to determine some parameters of what others should and shouldn't support - and that is none of your business.

It's odd that you'd pick IVF and crowdfunding as a suitable topic to 'discuss your broader questions' on?

People DO crowd fund for plastic surgery and expensive holidays. All the time, actually. And some very successfully.

You can think on a personal, case by case basis that the person asking is selfish, entitled, or rude CF. Whatever you want really. You can also be jealous of whatever level of success they happen to get. Say, one persons whole wedding was crowdfunded while you worked hard to pay for yours and it wasn’t nearly as lavish. You wonder why they get help while you didn’t. Simply, they asked. But they also have to face the lifelong CF implications, so it’s up to you to decide if it was worth it.

I think IVF is one thing I couldn’t judge. It might be this persons only shot at having a baby and they’re just exhausting all options to fulfil it. You surely can’t get mad at anyone crowdfunding potential life saving medical treatments or someone terminal’s last wish, can you? No one is forcing anyone to contribute.

Exactly, asking folk for money does result is some folk saying 'I have to donate, to show support for my friend
This is a different issue though. Anyone who crowfund with the expectation to receive up to what they are asking and putting pressure on anyone to do so, is just not a person who does so considering it a blessing to have the opportunity. It is a person with a sense of entitlement. I wouldn't be too bothered if I were to upset someone like that anyway.

I sort of agree with this too. Maybe we should also place more value on having a good life without children, rather than seeing it as something to be avoided at all costs. I say that as someone who couldn’t have children but I still have a good life.

How on earth is this affecting you? Good on them!

@AlmostAJillSandwich Stopping medical intervention on anyone over 75 would also be a very effective means of population control. Very very unpopular but very effective. Whilst we're at it, let's go back to the good old days of half of children dying before their 5th birthday. I hope you'll be be refusing any offers of medical intervention as it's an extension of life which, as you put it, "wasn't supposed to happen".

Happy for them to crowd fund it. Its then up to people whether they choose to donate. I don't think it should be funded by the NHS, which is overstretched as it is

I have seen lots of posts on here and on other forums where the OP is struggling with various things and posters have encouraged them to set up a go fund me or similar.

Some posts seem to really tug at the heart strings for some reason and a lot of money has been raised. Then there are some people who make huge efforts with sponsored events etc and raise £12. I have dc with SN and so I know a lot of parents in a similar situation. Some of them do a lot of fundraising to pay for therapies and equipment that isn't available on the NHS.

I think it's difficult to draw the line as to what is morally ok. I think as long as you are not targeting vulnerable people who can't afford it then it's ok. I do find it uncomfortable that some people get loads of money from these things and others in the same situation don't get anything. I also think it's so sad when there are some children in hospital who have loads of visitors and support while others, there is one parent who is struggling with a lively toddler and very little chances to go to the loo or get food for themselves. I know that's always how it's been but with the internet you know more about the people who get more support because they are popular.

PS sorry to be awkward but it's cosmetic surgery, not plastic surgery. Plastic surgery and also reconstructive surgery covers things that aren't always the patient's choice. Cosmetic surgery is surgery that you choose to have like getting your breasts made bigger. Again, sorry to be picky about this but my son has a big plastic surgery coming up that I wish he didn't need and I hate it when people talk about plastic surgery like it's all breast enhancements and trying to look younger/thinner.

Also, what about people who fund their lives on inheritance ? Or who happen to be gifted thousands from a wealthy aunt? Does it make a difference that they haven’t funded their lifestyle/children independently, but by the sheer luck of familial wealth?

I think if you think this way it would be worth exploring deeper into why. People live their life with no inherited wealth whatsoever and could never dream of affording the ludicrous expenses involved in IVF. Why would you deny them the opportunity to ask and potentially receive help from someone more generous than yourself?

As someone who paid for ivf I do understand the longing for a child.
However if people can’t afford to save for ivf how on earth can they afford a child?
It’s not just the cost of food, clothes equipment etc but the horrendous cost of childcare or loss of earnings if you become a sahm.

I can only imagine these people are in the depths of desperation, as are most people who are told they are infertile and desperately want to be parents.

Think before you judge.

I would assume that if the significant costs are covered by donations, then the other childhood expenses would be covered by the working parents, as usual.

I don’t see why not. No one is forced to pay into a crowd funder.

TBF, needing to pay for childcare isn't a given. Plenty of people have family help and/or work around the other parent's shifts.

And the other expenses are easier to manage because they're more regular, rather than involving a substantial payment upfront. DH and I have never had any issues affording our kids, and we've an above average income, but we still probably wouldn't have been able to pony up thousands upfront if we'd needed IVF. Waiting while you save up may also be counterproductive.

Maybe get irritated at the high cost of ivf that makes crowdfunding necessary if you feel that strongly about it ?

People crowdfund for all sorts of stuff. Medical bills due to not having taken out travel insurance, funeral expenses, living expenses in times of difficulty, experimental medical treatments .. Why not IVF? I don't love the whole idea of crowdfunding this stuff but there's no obligation.

@DearOpalFinch would you say there should be no child/childcare -related benefits given to families then? Because they should be able to afford to raise their children on their own?

Does this come from a personal situation, OP? Did you have to pay for your own IVF?

I understand what you’re saying and I agree that IVF is more openly discussed now, which is a good thing. By blurred lines, I mean the shift from sharing personal experiences, like undergoing IVF, with close friends and family to asking a much wider audience - including strangers - for financial support through crowdfunding.

For some people, this public sharing can feel empowering and supportive, but for others, it might feel uncomfortable to expose something so deeply personal in such a public way. IVF is a very private, life-changing journey for many, and crowdfunding brings an element of public commentary and judgment that wouldn’t usually be part of that process.

It’s not so much about the openness of discussing IVF itself - I think that’s great - but more about how platforms like crowdfunding create a new dynamic where private matters are intertwined with public appeals for help.

It used to be that asking for money from strangers, i.e. 'fundraising', was only socially acceptable if it was strictly for charity, or a worthy communal cause such as a village hall. It was absolutely not on to ask for money for yourself.

The line between fundraising and begging is whether you are doing it for charity, or doing it for your own benefit.

Personally, the only beggars I give to are the cold and miserable ones on the street.

Is it fair that only wealthy infertile couples can get IVF? No one holds a gun to people's heads to make them part with their money so those who think its unfair can continue their lives completely unaffected by it.