Page 4 | To think couples who can’t afford IVF shouldn’t try to crowdfund it?

Choccyscofffy · 20/01/2025 11:15

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 11:03

It’s not about picking on infertile women at all - I absolutely sympathise with how heartbreaking infertility can be, and I don’t begrudge anyone for seeking help however they can. My post was more about the broader idea of crowdfunding for deeply personal decisions and how it shifts boundaries between private and public matters.

You’re right to bring up other examples like medical expenses abroad, which I also find worth discussing. To me, it’s not about singling out any one group or issue, but rather exploring how crowdfunding is being used for personal situations and how it reshapes the norms of what we consider appropriate to ask others for help with. I think the topic is complex and worth reflecting on across the board, not just in this specific context.

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My post was more about the broader idea of crowdfunding for deeply personal decisions and how it shifts boundaries between private and public matters.

To me, it’s not about singling out any one group or issue, but rather exploring how crowdfunding is being used for personal situations

It really wasn’t. Your OP said ‘Having a baby is a personal choice. Is it fair to expect strangers to pay for it?’. That’s all.

Lostcat · 20/01/2025 11:15

LadyKenya · 20/01/2025 10:38

They can ask for donations, just like anybody else, for any cause. The giving of your personal funds, are totally optional.

This!!

Cosycore · 20/01/2025 11:15

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 10:43

I guess what bothers me is the underlying idea that some things, like having a baby, are deeply personal choices. Crowdfunding makes it feel like those personal decisions are being shared in a way that almost expects others to take responsibility for them.

I think it’s great if people want to help, but it also raises questions for me about what we consider appropriate to ask for support with. Would we feel the same if someone crowdfunded for something like plastic surgery or luxury expenses? I suppose it’s not so much about the asking itself but the way it changes the boundaries of what’s considered private and public.

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So are you saying that someone should remain quiet if they deeply want a baby, but can’t have one?

Infertility and baby loss shouldn’t be taboo.

Crowdfunding is up to who ever does it and wishes to donate.

I also agree with PP. Very much seems like you’re just picking on infertile people.

verycloakanddaggers · 20/01/2025 11:16

overthinkersanonnymus · 20/01/2025 11:11

I feel like if you can't afford a round of IVF, either through your own funds or via personal loans, family help etc, you're going to struggle to afford the child that may be the result.

And I say this as a 38 year old whi has been trying to conceive for over 3 years.

I disagree with this. IVF requires savings.

Many wonderful parents with wonderful kids don't have savings.

If children are the preserve of the better off, society is broken.

Having money isn't the measure of a good parent.

Sgreenpy · 20/01/2025 11:16

Whyherewego · 20/01/2025 10:42

Ultimately if people want to donate for IVF or people who travel without health insurance then it's up to them.
People only crowd fund because people give them money, if people stopped then it would stop.
Personally I don't think the NHS in its current state should be funding any IVF or indeed a bunch of other stuff. We are in crisis and need to drastically prioritise spend. It's heartbreaking if you can't have a child I do get that but we can barely manage to treat people in A&E and I think hard lines will need to be drawn. But that's a whole other thread.

I agree with you re the NHS funding ivf atm. Its also not the same level of funding in each area - 1 cycle/2 cycles.

If people want to donate to crowdfunders let them.

Lostcat · 20/01/2025 11:16

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 10:59

You’re absolutely right about the boundaries of what is private and public shifting and I agree it’s not always a bad thing. I think platforms like crowdfunding have created opportunities for people to connect and support one another in ways that weren’t possible before, which can be really positive.

That said, I think what gives me pause is the deeply personal nature of something like having a child. It’s such a private, life-changing decision, and crowdfunding introduces a public element that, for me, feels a bit uncomfortable - like it blurs those lines in a way that might not suit every situation.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with asking for help, especially for something as heartbreaking as infertility, but it does make me reflect on how we define what’s appropriate to ask for publicly and how that might evolve in the future.

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introduces a public element that, for me, feels a bit uncomfortable - like it blurs those lines

Yeh this is a you issue.

LochKatrine · 20/01/2025 11:17

People can share their situation if they choose to. Why is it taboo, OP?
A man at work is doing all sorts of things to raise money to pay for IVF for him and his wife. He's been very open and people have supported him. I don't see why that's bad.

Floralnomad · 20/01/2025 11:18

I don’t care what people crowd fund for but I wouldn’t contribute to a fund for IVF , not even for a friend .

Fetburzswefg · 20/01/2025 11:18

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 10:59

You’re absolutely right about the boundaries of what is private and public shifting and I agree it’s not always a bad thing. I think platforms like crowdfunding have created opportunities for people to connect and support one another in ways that weren’t possible before, which can be really positive.

That said, I think what gives me pause is the deeply personal nature of something like having a child. It’s such a private, life-changing decision, and crowdfunding introduces a public element that, for me, feels a bit uncomfortable - like it blurs those lines in a way that might not suit every situation.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with asking for help, especially for something as heartbreaking as infertility, but it does make me reflect on how we define what’s appropriate to ask for publicly and how that might evolve in the future.

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Can you be specific about what lines are blurred? That’s such a vague statement I can’t parse what your meaning is at all.

pizzaHeart · 20/01/2025 11:18

I suppose the problem is when it’s someone you know and they expect you to donate. They don’t even tell you this directly but often the unsaid expectations are there and you are judged if you don’t donate.
All these people who are saying “just don’t donate” I wonder if you always follow it in a real life when you disagree with a cause or don’t really want to donate. It’s difficult sometimes. So maybe this sort of frustration prompted OP’s question.

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 20/01/2025 11:18

I always thought that crowdfunding was to fund something that gave a return and I think the boundaries have stretched well beyond what it may have been intended to cover and funding lives is, for me, stepping over the boundary.

I dislike any form of pressure to give, whether workplace, chugging, adverts thrown in your face on television, or crowdfunding and think too many appeals are made too easily now and often by those that think they should have as they want and not what they can afford (not talking about IVF here, as that's not something that should be funded this way imo) but fancy funerals, or replacements for insurance premiums, or covering stupidity!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/01/2025 11:19

I mean, i don't agree with IVF or any none natural means of conception at all, and especially not on the NHS. Nor do i agree with surrogacy. It's creating life that wasn't "supposed" to happen, and i don't think we should be able to play god like that, just because we technically can. On a massively over populated planet, infertility is a natural population control we actually kind of need. Is it fair some women only need look at a bare penis to get pregnant and have multiple, whilst others are infertile and have none? No, but children aren't, and shouldn't be considered a right to have.
There are so many unloved kids in foster care, and plenty up for adoption too. It isn't an easy route and there are disqualifying factors that mean some will never be approved, but its done in the best interests of the child, which unfortunately isn't a factor that's controllable in natural pregnancies, though those are the children that then get taken in to the system.

Totally agree that crowdfunding IVF is completely wrong, if you can't afford it by yourself or even with the help of your actual family and close friends, it's not the kind of thing you should be putting that guilt on strangers to help fund. And it IS guilt that would make strangers donate, because they feel bad for them not being able to conceive and understand that strong desire to have a child.

And before anyone comes at me to check my fertility privilege, I myself cannot have children and not by my own free choice.

WhatColourIsThatBalloon · 20/01/2025 11:19

With crowfunding its up to you if you give or not. Scroll on if you don't like it.

But given we have a falling birthrate my feeling is that IVF should be free for anyone who cannot conceive naturally.

verycloakanddaggers · 20/01/2025 11:20

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 11:13

I see your point. I agree, there are many situations where crowdfunding feels entirely appropriate even if the circumstances are deeply personal. The examples you mention reflect that; helping someone rebuild after a house fire addresses urgent, life-altering needs where the stakes are immediate and tangible.

I think my hesitation around something like crowdfunding for IVF stems from the fact that it’s a personal, long-term choice rather than an immediate crisis. It’s not about saying IVF is less valid - far from it - but the lines between private and public feel different in those cases.

That said, you’re right that it’s hard to draw a clear line. It’s likely a matter of personal perspective and maybe I’m overthinking it. I just wonder if crowdfunding for personal decisions like having a child - or even a dream wedding for example - signals a shift in how we see responsibility and support.

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A shift back to traditional societal support perhaps? Weddings and child raising used to be less personal responsibility and more societal responsibility.

You seem unduly bothered by knowing some people can't have a child. Life is unfair, it is sad.

LochKatrine · 20/01/2025 11:20

@AlmostAJillSandwich How can you judge whether a life was "supposed" to happen? I think that's a dangerous road to go down. Do you think that only some people are entitled to successful pregnancies?
To add, did your own childlessness made you feel that it wasn't "meant to be"?

KimberleyClark · 20/01/2025 11:20

Infertility and baby loss shouldn’t be taboo.

They shouldn’t be but they are. There was a thread recently saying you shouldn’t post about it on Facebook, for example, that it is “attention seeking”. even though plenty of people post about their mental health struggles for example.

Original poster

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 11:22

SharpOpalNewt · 20/01/2025 11:01

How do you propose to stop them, OP?

Do you propose legislation about who should be allowed to crowdfund, or are you saying it's a moral choice?

I don’t think it’s about stopping anyone - people have every right to ask for support, and others have every right to choose whether or not to contribute. For me, it’s more about reflecting on the ethics and boundaries of what we consider appropriate to ask for publicly.

I’m not suggesting legislation or restrictions; it’s more of a discussion about social norms and how crowdfunding changes the way we view personal responsibility vs collective support. While I fully empathise with the struggle of wanting a child, it raises broader questions for me about where we draw the line when it comes to seeking financial help from strangers.

Ultimately, it’s a moral and societal conversation, not one about banning or policing what people choose to do.

OP posts:

ForSnugLimeExpert · 20/01/2025 11:23

Can’t say any of my friends have crowdfunded for IVF but if any of my closest circle did, I’d happily donate to them.

chojoko · 20/01/2025 11:23

Of all the random things people ask for on Crowdfunder, IVF is a wonderful thing to be able to contribute towards. I don't know enough much about some of my friends' finances, but if they didn't have the money, I'd be v sad if they were missing out on an actual CHILD. I'd far rather give for IVF than for little Arabella to go off and spend a few weeks "teaching" unsuspecting children in some random country.

Nottodaysatanugh · 20/01/2025 11:23

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 10:43

I guess what bothers me is the underlying idea that some things, like having a baby, are deeply personal choices. Crowdfunding makes it feel like those personal decisions are being shared in a way that almost expects others to take responsibility for them.

I think it’s great if people want to help, but it also raises questions for me about what we consider appropriate to ask for support with. Would we feel the same if someone crowdfunded for something like plastic surgery or luxury expenses? I suppose it’s not so much about the asking itself but the way it changes the boundaries of what’s considered private and public.

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How awful, having a child is in no way similar to plastic surgery or the like. I have PCOS, and may need IVF. I would fund this myself for a few rounds but if family and friends offered to help I would of course appreciate it.

Life isn’t always fair, that’s true but I truly believe everyone should be given the opportunity to become an parent if they choose it.

Moier · 20/01/2025 11:24

It takes a lot of guts and emotional sense to ask for help.
Good on them for asking.
I'm in a fortune position and have helped two strangers with money towards IVF.
Yes l did my research.
No better feeling in the world than being a mother and a Grandparent.

toastofthetown · 20/01/2025 11:25

AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/01/2025 11:19

I mean, i don't agree with IVF or any none natural means of conception at all, and especially not on the NHS. Nor do i agree with surrogacy. It's creating life that wasn't "supposed" to happen, and i don't think we should be able to play god like that, just because we technically can. On a massively over populated planet, infertility is a natural population control we actually kind of need. Is it fair some women only need look at a bare penis to get pregnant and have multiple, whilst others are infertile and have none? No, but children aren't, and shouldn't be considered a right to have.
There are so many unloved kids in foster care, and plenty up for adoption too. It isn't an easy route and there are disqualifying factors that mean some will never be approved, but its done in the best interests of the child, which unfortunately isn't a factor that's controllable in natural pregnancies, though those are the children that then get taken in to the system.

Totally agree that crowdfunding IVF is completely wrong, if you can't afford it by yourself or even with the help of your actual family and close friends, it's not the kind of thing you should be putting that guilt on strangers to help fund. And it IS guilt that would make strangers donate, because they feel bad for them not being able to conceive and understand that strong desire to have a child.

And before anyone comes at me to check my fertility privilege, I myself cannot have children and not by my own free choice.

Every part of medical intervention is playing God. For a fairly trite example, I have asthma and without inhalers my body wasn't "supposed" to breathe properly. But with modern medicine my life has been significantly extended - instead of dying in infancy as I imagine I would have 1000 years ago, I'm alive and kicking, and expecting a baby (who I may well have passed on the faulty genes for asthma to). That's playing God and giving me a future that naturally wasn't "supposed" to happen. Just that IVF is much newer than many life saving treatments.

QuimCarrey · 20/01/2025 11:27

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 11:22

I don’t think it’s about stopping anyone - people have every right to ask for support, and others have every right to choose whether or not to contribute. For me, it’s more about reflecting on the ethics and boundaries of what we consider appropriate to ask for publicly.

I’m not suggesting legislation or restrictions; it’s more of a discussion about social norms and how crowdfunding changes the way we view personal responsibility vs collective support. While I fully empathise with the struggle of wanting a child, it raises broader questions for me about where we draw the line when it comes to seeking financial help from strangers.

Ultimately, it’s a moral and societal conversation, not one about banning or policing what people choose to do.

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You draw your own line wherever you like.

LochKatrine · 20/01/2025 11:27

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 11:22

I don’t think it’s about stopping anyone - people have every right to ask for support, and others have every right to choose whether or not to contribute. For me, it’s more about reflecting on the ethics and boundaries of what we consider appropriate to ask for publicly.

I’m not suggesting legislation or restrictions; it’s more of a discussion about social norms and how crowdfunding changes the way we view personal responsibility vs collective support. While I fully empathise with the struggle of wanting a child, it raises broader questions for me about where we draw the line when it comes to seeking financial help from strangers.

Ultimately, it’s a moral and societal conversation, not one about banning or policing what people choose to do.

Show quote history

People seek financial help from strangers. It has always happened. From giving to a Foodbank to sponsoring a Scouts Camp, to medical care to a gap year, strangers have always - and will always - contribute.
There is no moral issue here that I can see.

MayMumm · 20/01/2025 11:28

Starryknightcloud · 20/01/2025 10:48

Hope you had private births, privately educated your kids and don't claim any child benefit etc OP. Your children are your personal choice after all.

This👆absolutely 100% agree right infertility is a medical condition and by the same logic if you choose to have a baby perhaps then everyone should pay for a private birth.