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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think couples who can’t afford IVF shouldn’t try to crowdfund it?

305 replies

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 10:37

Having a baby is a personal choice. Is it fair to expect strangers to pay for it?

OP posts:
Askingforafriendtoday · 21/01/2025 19:24

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 10:37

Having a baby is a personal choice. Is it fair to expect strangers to pay for it?

Going on holiday with no insurance or health expenses cover sorted is a personal choice yet people crowdfund for repatriation flights after accidents or illness or death abroad.I don't see any difference. Infertility is not something people choose for themselves

lemming40 · 21/01/2025 19:36

They can ask. You don't have to pay.

SquashedSquashess · 21/01/2025 19:54

I think it’s a bit shit to judge people who crowdfund IVF.

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for over a year. The disappointment each month is pretty crushing.

We are fortunate enough to have private medical cover through our work that will cover IVF if needed. But not everyone is so lucky.

So I don’t begrudge infertile couples crowdfunding IVF, knowing how strong that longing for a child can be. If people don’t want to donate, they don’t have to. If the couple is successful in crowdfunding, good luck to them.

LadyGreyson · 21/01/2025 20:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Pomvit · 21/01/2025 21:21

DearOpalFinch · 20/01/2025 10:59

You’re absolutely right about the boundaries of what is private and public shifting and I agree it’s not always a bad thing. I think platforms like crowdfunding have created opportunities for people to connect and support one another in ways that weren’t possible before, which can be really positive.

That said, I think what gives me pause is the deeply personal nature of something like having a child. It’s such a private, life-changing decision, and crowdfunding introduces a public element that, for me, feels a bit uncomfortable - like it blurs those lines in a way that might not suit every situation.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with asking for help, especially for something as heartbreaking as infertility, but it does make me reflect on how we define what’s appropriate to ask for publicly and how that might evolve in the future.

I think just because you feel this way doesn’t mean everyone does. Everyone’s boundaries are different and personal to them and if their option is that or not have the opportunity to start a family then maybe they dont actually care about what the principles should be according to anyone else

Cattreesea · 21/01/2025 21:24

Daft thread.

No one is forced to contribute to a crowdfunder...

Your thesis smacks of someone who thinks that only the wealthy should have kids.

LocutisOfBorg · 21/01/2025 23:26

Oh for heavens sake, people crowdfund for all kinds of things including skin removal after weight loss etc. The chance for an otherwise childless couple to be able to afford IVF via the help of others who WANT to help, is perfectly reasonable. You don't think so? Don't donate. You feel irritated by it? Look away. You think it's unreasonable? Tough. I think your attitude is unreasonable but here we are. I don't expect you to suddenly develop some compassion because I feel that way.

Coolasfeck · 21/01/2025 23:33

Dryerjanuary · 20/01/2025 10:57

Children are expensive. IVF is expensive privately, but the cost of bringing up a child for 18 years is far more expensive. If you can’t afford IVF maybe you shouldn’t have it until you can

How ridiculous. A naturally conceived baby won’t cost £20k in one go. Who do you know saves 18 years cash before they TTC?

bumblebee1987 · 21/01/2025 23:54

You think they want to?! Do you think that putting your personal affairs out there so publicly is easy? It is unfair that anyone is in a position whereby they have to pay thousands and thousands of pounds to achieve something which comes so easily for the majority. That is the first pill that is hard to swallow. The desperation that leads people to publicly appeal for money to help them have a baby is heartbreaking.

We had IVF, we were fortunate, we had the funds for one round and it worked first time (we didn't qualify for NHS). I know of others who have had 4,5, 6 rounds, long exhausting the number of rounds you get on the NHS, and still have no baby. They are desperate, they are exhausted, they are devastated. So no, I wont judge them for trying any means necessary to get their much longed for baby.

Why should IVF be a private matter, it's not a taboo subject? Yes having a baby for most is a personal choice. However, for some of us, it isn't actually a choice in the same way as it is for others, it comes with putting your heart and your finances on the line over and over again. People shouldn't be shamed into not sharing their story or appealing for help with their struggles for fear of making the fortunate majority uncomfortable. No one is forcing anyone to donate to crowdfunding or gofundme pages, if you don't want to donate, then don't, but I cannot understand how on earth there is ANYTHING wrong with people trying? There are no blurred lines here, wanting a child, something which most people can have without much effort, is in NO WAY the same as wanting an extravagant holiday or a wedding.

Pick on the people who decide to risk not getting travel insurance and then crowdfund to pay their extortionate medical bill, not the people who are desperate for a baby. Jesus Christ.

Katie323 · 22/01/2025 00:47

Id donate to a couple for ivf rather than some other things people appeal for. Infertility is heartbreaking for people.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/01/2025 01:51

I don't get why wanting children is a deeply private and personal matter?

Nor do I get why IVF is so private?

OP did you do through IVF? Is a family member or close friend going through it?

You seem quite uncomfortable around it since you keep saying it blurs the lines. I don't understand why?

FierceGrace85 · 22/01/2025 04:54

Having a baby is very different to crowdfunding for plastic surgery. Clearly the OP hasn’t struggled with infertility and doesn’t understand how heartbreaking it is. IVF is extremely expensive and out of reach to many. If others are happy to help, what’s the problem?

Katie323 · 22/01/2025 11:52

FierceGrace85 · 22/01/2025 04:54

Having a baby is very different to crowdfunding for plastic surgery. Clearly the OP hasn’t struggled with infertility and doesn’t understand how heartbreaking it is. IVF is extremely expensive and out of reach to many. If others are happy to help, what’s the problem?

I thought that. Either OP has no understanding and experience of infertility or has and had to pay for it herself. Im failing to understand why they would have a problem with it.

LoyalMember · 22/01/2025 12:54

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/01/2025 14:57

Some people don't have 12 months.

Or are able to save £300 per month. What an absurd middle class comment to make...

Goodtogossip · 22/01/2025 15:35

No one is forced to donate to Crowd funding requests therefore it's up to the person choosing to donate towards IVF if they want to contribute or not. I think if a couple are desperate to have a baby then they'll go to any lengths to succeed. Good luck to them.

Askingforafriendtoday · 22/01/2025 19:17

Katie323 · 22/01/2025 11:52

I thought that. Either OP has no understanding and experience of infertility or has and had to pay for it herself. Im failing to understand why they would have a problem with it.

Obstetricians and gynaecologists always point out that human beings ae designed to reproduce. If either the man or the woman is infertile this is a sign that something is amiss medically and needs investigating and where possible treating to rectify the problem,. More money for research into infertility is needed as many cases - male and female remain unexplained. Seeking help with funding IVF treatment is an entirely reasonable thing to do, and as pp have said, people can choose to give money, donate eggs or sperm, whatever. It is not an odd thing to ask for help in this way

JandamiHash · 22/01/2025 19:30

The issue I have with the “infertility is a medical problem therefore should be treated” is that doing nothing about the medical problem only results in not being able to have a baby. A baby is not a human right, therefore I don’t think it’s any more or less worthy than say plastic surgery. It’s entirely different to crowdfunding for life saving treatment

Katie323 · 23/01/2025 01:27

.

Katie323 · 23/01/2025 01:28

Askingforafriendtoday · 22/01/2025 19:17

Obstetricians and gynaecologists always point out that human beings ae designed to reproduce. If either the man or the woman is infertile this is a sign that something is amiss medically and needs investigating and where possible treating to rectify the problem,. More money for research into infertility is needed as many cases - male and female remain unexplained. Seeking help with funding IVF treatment is an entirely reasonable thing to do, and as pp have said, people can choose to give money, donate eggs or sperm, whatever. It is not an odd thing to ask for help in this way

Im confused by this reply. I do not think its odd to ask for help with ivf this way or whichever way, awful that people even need to have to. Dont know were i have said that?

CrowleyKitten · 23/01/2025 02:06

it doesn't bother me. it's down to donors whether to donate or not, and a lot of people will want to help others.
it's not something I would donate for, but it's personal choice. I'm not offended by it. I know it means a lot to people to get it, and if others want to help them achieve that, so be it.

Askingforafriendtoday · 23/01/2025 08:40

Katie323 · 23/01/2025 01:28

Im confused by this reply. I do not think its odd to ask for help with ivf this way or whichever way, awful that people even need to have to. Dont know were i have said that?

Yes, sorry @Katie323 I think I quoted the wrong person. It was a general point really about infertility is not something to ignore or shrug shoulders about. VF treatments can sometimes, not always, contribute to researching causes and treatments for infertility. And I agree nothing wrong with crowdfunding for it

Youbutterbelieve · 24/01/2025 10:34

I agree it's personal choice and it's also not a right.

So I do not contribute to such crowd funders. But people are free to contribute if they wish.

boberto88 · 30/09/2025 12:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ByPeachPeer · 30/09/2025 12:03

So only rich people deserve fertility treatment 😒

Sparchy · 30/09/2025 12:34

ByPeachPeer · 30/09/2025 12:03

So only rich people deserve fertility treatment 😒

Where does “deserve” come into it? Is it only rich people who deserve to feed their kids better quality food?

Having a child isn’t a basic human right