To think couples who can’t afford IVF shouldn’t try to crowdfund it?

[DearOpalFinch]

Having a baby is a personal choice. Is it fair to expect strangers to pay for it?

I guess its hard to know when to stop in some situations. If you have a child with a life-threatening illness, you'd likely keep going and do all you could to save your child. For people who want a baby, perhaps they see it that way? Wouldn't you do anything to save the life of your children, if you have any?

None of this makes sense. The people crowdfunding fall into the category of those who choose to share details?
I don't understand your objection.

@Fairyliz Average age of first time buyers is 33. Assuming you're waiting for some sort of stability, and let's face it on here and elsewhere you'll be vilified if you don't, that doesn't give you a big window of natural fertility left. Allowing 2 years to try and conceive naturally and you're at the point where things go downhill naturally. If you've spent the last 10 years saving frantically for an elusive house deposit which needs to keep increasing and then sunk all those savings, you've then got to start saving again to find the IVF money against another clock to try and be successful.

It's crowdfunding. People have the right to ask for anything that's legal. That simple. You as an individual make an individual decision as to whether or not to give.

While I think that there should be significantly more support for foster carers and adopters, part of the reasons why people are reluctant to adopt a child here is that children who are eligible for adoption have generally been through trauma. Because of easy access to contraception and abortion and a (not generous but existent) welfare system) there are almost no newborn babies relinquished for adoption because of unwanted pregnancy or a mother choosing to give the baby up because she can't afford to keep it. Adoption is a very different route to parenthood than having a baby. There can be huge difficulties common with adopting a child and glossing over that hurts the child and risks a failed adoption (and more trauma for the child involved).

Sometimes you make it sound as if women doing IVF should be shameful about it when you mentioned "deeply personal" and "emotional". IVF is already a crazy journey, it's devastating enough when you have money to fund it, but can't imagine the pain, frustration, sadness that women with infertility and no money for IVF go through. I did IVF for years privately funded and it's brutal. I paid thousands and thousands on tax every year while childless.

It should be funded, women didn't do anything to get infertile. The healthcare system still treats people who get sick for smoking even they knew they would likely get cancer or other terminal disease. This is the case with many other illnesses, the women with infertility may not be physically dying but may be on the inside.

Women who can get pregnant naturally get many free things such as healthcare, maternity leave, UC, etc, all if them funded by people with and without kids. So now, you say that women with infertility can't even dare to share their journey and ask for crowdfunding? It's very insensitive, judgemental and selfish to even be thinking about it.

Donating is a personal choice, you could just ignore the post. I imagine that for someone to ask money on a crowdfunding website must be really desperate and deserves some compassion instead of judgement. To think that it bothered you enough to make a post of it. I would donate if there was a good background story or if it were a friend.

Isn't asking money as a gift at a wedding in a way also asking people to pay for the wedding or honeymoon? In my point if view it is, but it's not of my business and if it bothers me so much I just don't attend the wedding.

I wouldn’t say I feel uncomfortable with charity in general. I think charity serves an important role in addressing gaps where societal or governmental systems fall short, but I do find it raises some complex issues, like arbitrariness or the dynamics of asking for help, as you’ve mentioned.

I also agree that children are both a personal and collective responsibility, which is why I’m fully on board with publicly funded healthcare supporting IVF through taxes. That feels like a system designed to balance personal desires with collective responsibility in a fairer way.

Where I struggle is with the emotional side of crowdfunding for something so personal, like IVF. It creates a public element to what is often a deeply private experience, and while that can open doors to support and solidarity, it can also feel vulnerable or even demeaning for those asking. It’s not necessarily the process itself that’s problematic, but rather the way it reshapes what we consider acceptable to ask for publicly.

I really like your point about IVF becoming less private in a way that encourages more open sharing and support. Perhaps the discomfort I’m describing would lessen if society as a whole became more accepting and supportive of these kinds of conversations. I guess I’m still grappling with how crowdfunding fits into the broader context of collective support vs personal responsibility.

How would you even see a crowdfunding request, unless you visited a crowdfunding site?

I think you're being vvvvv unreasonable here. Fertility issues are as valid medical issue as other diseases. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there. Why should only wealthy people have a chance to have a child in such circumstances? In some shape or form infertility is a disease. It's not on a whim that people decide they just "can't be bothered" to get pregnant naturally so will take the "easy" way out in the form of IVF. It's a medical treatment like any other.

I don’t think it’s inherently bad and I absolutely agree that people have the right to share their situation if they choose to. I’m sure for some, being open about their struggles and inviting support can be empowering and even build a sense of community.

I think what makes me pause is how this shifts the boundaries of what we consider private vs public. For example, something as deeply personal as wanting a child is now being shared with colleagues, acquaintances, and even strangers, often with an expectation (or perceived expectation) of support.

It’s not so much about whether it’s bad - more about how it reflects changing norms around privacy and what we’re comfortable asking others to contribute to. I totally get why people do it, but I think it’s fair to question how we feel about those changing boundaries and whether there’s a broader impact.

What do you think the broader impact of this shift might be, OP?

Of course I would if I had any, but I couldn’t have them. Going to any lengths to have a child isn’t saving a child is it? You can’t save a child that doesn’t exist?

YABU

"Having a baby is a personal choice" somewhat, for many women it's a deep desire to have children, that said I suppose that is a personal choice, however, being unable to conceive isn't a personal choice, no body goes through IVF for the experience, they go through it because it is the only medical option to have a family. An average standard round of IVF is £5500 in the UK which is a lot of money to just pull out of thin air, I think it's unfair for people to judge saying should you have a child if you can't afford to pay that upfront.

Infertility is extremely tough, mentally and physically, when being a parent is something you long for, you are desperate to make it happen, I think crowdfunding is absolutely acceptable if that is the only option.

I think until you feel the utter heartache of years of trying to conceive, failed IVF rounds, miscarriages, abandoned cycles, appointment and appointment then you can't put your two pence in about how someone has to fund starting a family.

Sure, I’m happy to explain. When I talk about blurred lines, I mean the shift in what we consider to be personal versus public matters. For example, something as intimate as trying to have a child through IVF is typically seen as a private, deeply personal journey. Crowdfunding, by its nature, brings that private experience into a public space, where it’s open to commentary, judgment, and even scrutiny from strangers.

For some people, that might feel empowering - they’re sharing their story and finding support. But for others, it could feel like they’re exposing a vulnerable part of their lives to people who might not fully understand or empathise.

So the blurred line I’m referring to is about how these platforms are changing our norms around privacy. What used to be considered a strictly private matter is now something people feel comfortable sharing with a wide audience. That’s not necessarily a bad thing - it just raises interesting questions about how we navigate and define those boundaries in the future.

I don’t see what’s wrong with ASKING for support for anything, as long as it’s legal. And you can decide for yourself what you want to keep private or make public. FWIW I think sometimes that the expectation of ‘privacy’ around things such as infertility suggests that something is shameful about them.

People don’t have to give.

This. I don't know why it upsets people. It doesn't affect you. See also the people who go overseas without travel insurance. Again, it doesn't affect you.

If people donate, that's up to them.

but more about how platforms like crowdfunding create a new dynamic where private matters are intertwined with public appeals for help
Quite ironic to be posting this here....where strangers exposed the most personal matters. What they are asking for might not be financial, but surely the emotional and psychological support they are expecting from posting in the first place is significantly more personal and private than expecting money.

Interesting comparison. I agree that inherited wealth or financial gifts from family are also forms of external support that can massively shape someone’s opportunities in life. The difference, I think, lies in the level of public involvement. Inheritance or family gifts are typically private, while crowdfunding brings a personal situation into the public sphere in a way that invites scrutiny or judgment, whether intended or not. That’s where I feel the discomfort - how public and emotionally charged these campaigns can become.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people asking for help if they need it and I certainly wouldn’t want to deny anyone the opportunity to explore crowdfunding. My point is more about how it reflects a wider conversation about fairness and access. For example, if someone’s ability to have a child is determined by how compellingly they can share their story or how much emotional appeal they can create, it highlights how uneven the playing field is for something as significant as starting a family.

You’re absolutely right that many people live without inherited wealth or safety nets, and they face barriers others can’t imagine. It’s not about denying anyone the chance to ask for help - it’s about grappling with the broader implications of using crowdfunding as a solution for deeply personal needs and how it reflects systemic issues of inequality.

You're under no obligation to donate, though. Crowdfunding isn't 'expecting' people to donate. It's asking them if they want to, and they can simply say no or ignore it.

Also, anyone who has IVF on the NHS is effectively having their treatment crowdfunded, by the taxpayer. And in that situation the taxpayer has no choice.

Would I donate to someone's fertility crowdfunder myself? No, absolutely not. But I think it's perfectly OK if people want to try to fund their treatment that way, given that nobody actually has to give money. It's no skin off my nose if someone shares a crowdfunder that I'm perfectly able to simply ignore.

I don't like crowdfunding generally, and I see how some people may feel expected to donate, even if it's technically optional, but I don't think asking for money for IVF is worse than asking for money for most of the other things people use it for.

Your post is just so twisty, OP... it really doesn't make sense.

What is personal to one person may not be so for another and, even if it is, individuals will choose to find a solution which may or may not be appealing to the public for help via crowdfunding or whatever. That is their choice.

It is the choice of members of the public to access the site and help or not help. Again, up to them.

There is no WE in any of this and this thread feels like yet another one in bad faith. You are taking something that is very personal to many couples and... doing what exactly?

What is the problem with people sharing publicly they are having IVF? I think it actually helps massively with the feelings of shame and failure that can come with infertility or other health issues as people don't talk about it. When I have told people about my treatment SO many people have shared back about their own treatment or losses. 1 in 7 women struggle with infertility in the UK.

What are the negative affects of this? Can you explain?

I am not comfortable with this argument as I think the next step is giving credence to the people who moan about tax payer money going to IVF as its a 'choice'. Funny no one has a problem with paying for cancer treatment for smokers for example. Has hints of misogyny to me.

As somebody who has undergone IVF but didn't crowdfund it, fertility treatment can make you feel under scrutiny and shift what feels private to you as you have to share lots of deeply personal details with the fertility team and you get probed for transvaginal ultrasounds a lot.

If someone wants to share their experience with a wider audience in the hopes of getting an opportunity to have a baby, I don't see why they shouldn't even if that's not a route I would personally prefer.

Agree, she is too long winded and is going round in circles at this stage

What we consider private or public, OP? Or you? Because obviously, as you know, attitudes, outlooks and opinions vary a lot. If you share something with colleagues, it's not always about the expectation of support.
I shared with a colleague about my experience of stillbirth, she'd gone through the same. It wasn't about the "expectation of support", more that I could understand what she'd gone though. Her choice and my choice to discuss this.