Do you believe the dads who say ‘she stopped me from seeing my kids for NO reason’?

[thecherryfox]

long story short, when I was pregnant I had to flee my abuser as he was making threats on my life. I had to seek help from multiple professions - all of which including the police told me to not allow my newborn to have contact with this dangerous individual.

My abuser went full force with his smear campaign against me, he told everyone I didn’t allow contact with our baby ‘for no reason’ and I was bitter among lots of awful horrible lies about me. He also started a go fund me called ‘daddy’s matter’ where he victimised himself and claimed he was a victim of alienation. During the relationship, he isolated me from my own family and friends so I had to rely on his family and friends. During his smear campaign, he ensured I lost those family and friends so I had no one.

it broke me watching these people believing I wasn’t letting him see his child because I was this horrible monster and no one questioned why I didn’t allow him. I’ve heard so many experiences from other victims of abuse where they have also experienced this and because we protect our children - our abusers get treated like they’re the victims. Everyone believing their lies helps abuse their victim further.

so I guess my question is, do you believe men when they say that their ex is ‘bitter’ and stopped them for no reason - or do you question why don’t let them. Because I can assure you, the parents who ARE ‘bitter’ are such a small percentage and the truth is that us parents have to do it to protect us and our children.

Enter my husbands ex. She won't accept help from his parents even. Won't let them attend any events on her time. In lockdown she was a key worker, she put the kids into school even when we and the grandparents said we could have them rather them sitting in a school with 6 other kids all day. She had no reason to not take us up on her offer, other than being stubborn. She's still the same now but the kids are older and see through it now. Her own son called her 'pathetic' the other day. The only person she is hurting is herself though.

Before I had kids and went through it all myself, I think I would have been inclined more often to think that it was a 'bit of both' issue.

Now I, and friends are older and have been through it, I don't normally believe them at all. My ex submitted in court documents that I was preventing him seeing the kids on Sundays. He had never asked to see the kids on Sundays (we had a calendar where he booked in visit requests, so I could easily prove this)

The truth is, no. I don't believe it because the reality is it's very rarely true.

It does happen though. It happened recently to a close friend's partner and quite honestly I did not believe a single word of it. I have now heard the full recorded phone calls, and witnessed some horrendous behaviour from the mother with my own eyes so I know now that what her partner says is true. I do feel some guilt for not believing him at first but sadly, there is a reason I don't.

But is it fair to say you don’t believe them at all when you’re just basing it off your own experience (which sounds awful by the way sorry you had to deal with someone like that)

Yes this is very similar to the man I was thinking of, he doesn't drive and his ex made is pretty much impossible for him to come and collect his son because she would purposely take him out etc.

I think sometimes people just prefer to move on and leave the dad behind. She has now married and has another child with someone else, so it's easier for her to just have her child in her own family unit full-time. Still gets maintenance from his dad though.

That reminds me of the time my ex told anyone who would listen that I'd stopped him seeing DC. When all I did was take them on holiday for a weekend so they available for one day!
I offered him a day of his choice in half- term to make up for it. He wasn't interested.

But unfortunately I think it’s a bit naive to say that the number of women who prevent their ex’s seeing the kids without good reason is small, because IME it isn’t as small as we’d like to hope.

agree with this- also their ‘no reason’ could be something that isn’t to do with the kids but is with the mother- do we really think if a woman is cheated on she won’t automatically say it’s in the best interests of her children not to see the dad? I’d guess it’s very difficult to be the bigger person and let your kids have the relationship they’d have had with their father had he not ruined the life you thought you’d have

I didn't say I wouldn't believe them at all - but the balance of probabilities in my and my friends experience is that the father prefers to complain than actually do anything about it (eg. care agreement, or dealing with the issues - eg. my friend's ex won't take their daughter to brownies or class birthday parties on his time, so obviously the child doesn't want to go to him when those are happening).

I wouldn’t accept it as fact without knowing more details/context. In general I still think there are a lot of people (both sexes) who are either oblivious to their roles in relationship breakdowns or don’t want to admit the stuff they did wrong, as well as either being too ashamed, or not bothered enough, to go to court. I briefly dated someone who said his ex was keeping him from seeing his daughter, so he was (allegedly) going through the courts to get access, but he was allowed to see his sons. I still wonder what was going on there but didn’t pry (was a long time ago, as well, and I was much more naive than I am now, so did believe him then).

No, I either think they're abusive or just can't be bothered. Have seen both in my circle of friends and in both cases the bloke is online garnering sympathy.

One friends ex left when she was pregnant, told her to get a termination, told his friends he wished the baby didn't exist (when he was texted to say she has been born) and then never once asked to see her in the first few months. I was standing behind him in the corner shop and the lady at the counter (who knew him by sight) asked how x and the baby were. Straight off the bat he said 'x doesn't let me see her'. Unluckily for him I piped up and confirmed that he'd never even asked to see her! The lies trip out of their mouths so easily!

Until I was a victim of domestic abuse I would have been very balanced about this!

However, my dcs are grown up and have chosen not to see my exdh but I know what my ex says about this and how I’ve poisoned them against him. I have never bad mouthed him - he takes no responsibility for his behaviour and has behaved spectacularly awfully to them since so they make their own minds up. I would always be wary now! Xx

So many men delude themselves though and genuinely think they have done nothing wrong.

In the summer I was sharing a beer garden with a couple and their friend. They were slagging off the “ loony ex” because a) she wanted him to look after the kids even though it was a BH and they wanted to enjoy themselves . Just because it was his turn to have them
b) She expected him to pay for stuff when he had them like meals out etc

They went on and on about how bad she was - absolutely convinced she had no right to make these demands. I had to get up and move before I said something

‘she stopped me from seeing my kids for NO reason

This phrase has more flags than a commie parade, women DO NOT stop men from seeing their children for NO reason, full stop.

I know men who've been denied contact for no reason and the mother is calling all the shots. Trouble is the father who wants to have contact but is prevented have no power to change that unless they get into debt trying to get access granted through the courts.

Yes they do. Are those who have experienced this lying then? Stop being so naive and narrow minded.

In some cases. I know a man and a woman who stopped their exes seeing the kids because they were bitter.

It can happen but generally no, I wouldn't believe him. I'd have to see proof of him having gone through court etc.

It foes happen sadly although it pales into significance compared to the amount of deadbeats who are happy to move on and forget the kids.

It can be hard for anyone who has fled an abusive relationship to tell other people about it. It is quite a personal thing to share, especially with acquaintances who are not good friends.

This happened to a friend. She says it was easier to maintain a dignified silence and if people were stupid enough to side with her ex, she didn’t need them in her life. Her ex was outgoing and popular, but he was only allowed supervised contact with the children at a contact centre due to his abuse. Which he didn’t bother attending, preferring to tell anyone who would listen that she was blocking contact with his kids.

And a lot of people believed his version of events. Because ‘Jim’ was a ‘nice middle class person bloke’. Apparently. My friend was understandably miserable after nearly a year of being physically battered and financially abused before plucking up the courage to get out. So it was easy to for her ex to paint a picture of her sadness as ‘bitter’.

So in general keep your beak out and don’t judge unless you absolutely know the situation.

Well I'm sure every woman in this situation has A reason. But I think the subtext of the post refers to reason that would be considered valid, legitimate and reasonable to the majority of people.

The father is abusive, dangerous, an addict, flight risk etc. are valid reasons to keep the father away. I don't think revenge, play happy families with new man etc. are valid reasons but they're certainly reasons.

In my brothers case he saw his kids a lot. When they were young and she needed the co-parent relationship for child free time. They had a brilliant relationship.

as soon as they were old enough to leave at home without an adult -16 ish, she started a drip campaign- telling them it was his affair split them up (it was hers- and yes I know this for certain), and all sorts of other minor stuff like he didn’t pay (always did) painting him as an awful person.

once they went to uni at 18 they stopped seeing him, and gradually they stopped contact altogether. He still sends birthday and Christmas gifts but no response. If he phones no answer.

so yes, I can believe it. Court can be very intimidating and many don’t have the money for it. It can also feel like you’re trying to force your kids to see you, the whole thing usually upsets them and they feel like they’re picking sides.

brother for example isn’t pushing it currently. As much as he’d like to tell them the truth they both still live at home as adults and he knows they’re too reliant on their mum and will believe her over him, even when he has proof. It’ll affect the kids so at the minute it’s best for them to believe he’s the bad guy rather than blow up their whole world.

I imagine you are right in the vast majority of cases. However, there will be outliers. I was friends with a woman in my 20s who was mental. When she split with her child's dad because she hit him (she admitted to it) she refused to let her child see his dad because it upset her too much to see him. She did not remain a friend for much longer.

each case is different-for instance my sisters ex buggered off an tol everyone an still does that she stopped him seeing their son not true-unforunatly people belive him

then on other hand ive got a relative who stopped her ex seing their kids an admittedd it wa sbeause he cheate an left that was the only reason-even let him take it to court- she made herself ill over it all because he left her

There are awful women around and there are awful men. I wouldn't judge either way. You never know what people are like to their partners .
I wouldn't automatically believe a woman over a man or a man over a woman and I say that as someone who doesn't have a good opinion of males in general.

It's a shame so many women have kids with shit men.