Do you believe the dads who say ‘she stopped me from seeing my kids for NO reason’?

[thecherryfox]

long story short, when I was pregnant I had to flee my abuser as he was making threats on my life. I had to seek help from multiple professions - all of which including the police told me to not allow my newborn to have contact with this dangerous individual.

My abuser went full force with his smear campaign against me, he told everyone I didn’t allow contact with our baby ‘for no reason’ and I was bitter among lots of awful horrible lies about me. He also started a go fund me called ‘daddy’s matter’ where he victimised himself and claimed he was a victim of alienation. During the relationship, he isolated me from my own family and friends so I had to rely on his family and friends. During his smear campaign, he ensured I lost those family and friends so I had no one.

it broke me watching these people believing I wasn’t letting him see his child because I was this horrible monster and no one questioned why I didn’t allow him. I’ve heard so many experiences from other victims of abuse where they have also experienced this and because we protect our children - our abusers get treated like they’re the victims. Everyone believing their lies helps abuse their victim further.

so I guess my question is, do you believe men when they say that their ex is ‘bitter’ and stopped them for no reason - or do you question why don’t let them. Because I can assure you, the parents who ARE ‘bitter’ are such a small percentage and the truth is that us parents have to do it to protect us and our children.

Given I have personal experience of this - I would not believe them outright but have an open mind about the fact they could be telling the truth.

I do think though that our opinions on this are formed by our own experiences and those of our friends and relatives.

In a nutshell this. It’s hard to believe if you have never seen it / experienced it. If you have experience you are more prepared to at least keep an open mind about it (but need more evidence to believe it.)

I've known two men that claimed this. One was telling the truth (his wife wanted him written out in favour of the new relationship -she did this through several partners and kids and the pattern was always the same) and the other was lying (truth was he "thought it best" that he didn't see his kids as it made him uncomfortable - they knew what a shit, lazy father he actually was).

So I'd be sceptical about such a claim but open to being convinced on an individual basis.

I mean a lot of abuse isn't recorded anywhere to provide accurate statistics, are you saying you do not believe this to be the case?

Purely from my personal experience, any man who claims his ex won't let him see his DC for no reason, I would take with a large pinch of salt.

Not to the same extent, but exH gave his family a big old sob story about how I was trying to reduce his time with our DC, and I was only doing it because I wanted him to pay me maintainence. What actually happened was, in mediation, I raised concerns about the level of care (lack of baths, hair not brushed, awful diet) He told our mediator that he was really struggling looking after them on his own as he wasn't used to it. I offered to have them more, and said I would not expect any money from him. He agreed. Luckily, it was all officially documented, so when his mother started sending harassing letters about it, a solicitors letter put a stop to it pretty quickly.

I know a few friends who have been through similar enough experiences, and yes, I heard from both sides. And I know a women who did make it difficult for her ex, because they split up after he cheated. She didn't say outright that she was trying to be difficult, but she was (understandably) very bitter about it, and was being obstructive.

I’m open to believe lots of children have been murdered by their fathers at court ordered contact, but haven’t seen anything to back up this claim

I know one man in this situation. He tried so many different forms of contact but, in the end, the sheriff deemed the contact to be too disruptive to the child (severe ASD). He now attends all school and health meetings for his son but doesn't have contact. He paid and still pays maintenance.

Lot of it about. These kinds of men do not like the stigma and need to tell their mothers something. They can't admit they are not up to it

No. Not unless they say something about the pending court case.

No. Very rare i believe men in any situation, especially this one

Wow

No. Having been on the receiving end of an exH bleating on about how I was stopping him from seeing his DD,I speak from experience. I did not ever stop him from seeing her,he was the one who made it difficult,by changing plans at the last minute, failing to turn up to collect her as arranged,or expecting me to drop everything because he could 'spare a couple of hours' to take her out. I wasn't prepared to put my life on hold just in case he decided he wanted to spend some time with her,but of course,he told anyone who would listen that I was the one being obstructive. I also know quite a few people who have also been on the receiving end of exPs slagging them off with regards to seeing their kids, and in every single case,it has either been for a very good reason,or it was because HE was the unreliable one,but twisted it to make it look like he was being barred from seeing them.

That's bs.

You can easily self represent in family court. Just another excuse deadbeats use.

Yep. DH’s ex did and even brags about it on social media. It’s not always the men at fault!

My dad did that, we were then given to our abuser as she could afford to pay thousands and thousands for representation.

Having come from an abusive ex and having to have police involvement and be removed with a baby to be safeguarded and a year later courts stop him seeing child, then several years later he applies to courts to see child, costs me a fortune in solicitor fees, never turned up on the court dates until by the 3rd judge put an huge fine in him and said he could never re apply. That's the short story. Son 15 now, very aware the sob stories ex posts about me stopping him etc etc poor me. Clearly chooses not to show all the abuse, putting child at risk,court ban then never turning up years later to new ones even tho he instigated. Never paid a penny never a birthday card etc, it bothered me at first but not for the last few years. Son is well loved by a big family so father's loss.

No.

It’s more likely to be untrue than true. Also DV is widespread.

Asking ‘what happened when you took her to court’ can be revealing.

Unfortunately that happens a lot regardless of representation.

Although typically its men who are the abusers.

Yeah, it's not that easy to self represent tbf. Not if your ex is clever and manipulative and a liar and you're basically a nice person who is worried about their kids. There are plenty of women who'll testify to this too.

My brother has been In this situation so yes I do believe them to some extent, he hasn't seen his oldest child in years because her mum just upped and left without telling him where she was going but still gladly takes the child support that goes through the child maintenance and they can't tell him where she is either and no he wasn't violent to her he has a relationship with someone else and has 2 other children who he is a brilliant father to, he couldn't afford the court either so there was nothing he could do, I bet she tells his daughter he was useless and just didn't want to see her but that's not the case

I have a relative who for years told everyone that he wasn’t allowed to see his kids and it was just a vindictive ex wife who hated him. I grew suspicious when I heard all he was awarded at court was indirect letterbox contact. But still, wider family said it was terrible how he was being treated and the ex wife was always referred to as ‘that bitch’. He was a model father and she was crazy etc. She had changed the kids names and moved hundreds of miles away.

Few years down the line it all comes out that he is a convicted sex offender (offences relating to children). So she was being an excellent mother but her name was mud for years within that family. And he was the poor misunderstood father who just wanted to see his kids.

I always want to hear the side of the woman in this.

No I don’t believe them.

I have a relative whose husband was financially and emotionally abusive. He’s also an alcoholic. She left him and he tells the people down the pub “she’s poisoning the kids against me” and “she stopped me from seeing the kids!”

What he doesn’t tell people is that she had to get a non molestation order against him because he was stalking her and did things like slashed her tyres. He doesn’t tell their friends (who’ve sided with him) that the school had to call the police because when they first split up, he turned up in the car drunk and when school staff refused to release the DC because they could smell the drink and knew he was driving, he assaulted them and was arrested. He doesn’t tell them a court has decided the only suitable contact with his kids is through a contact centre and that he doesn’t turn up to appointments.

Be very wary when men say their ex is keeping their kids away or if they say “my ex is crazy”. IME it’s normally them bullshitting their way through a vengeful story

I know it can be intimidating for some. I've seen it professionally and on a personal basis.

If my ex was able to though I really think that subject to any profound disability most fathers could if they chose to. They just don't care enough to and cost is any easy excuse to disguise the fact its just not their priority.

Sometimes. Women can be as manipulative and unkind as men. 🤷‍♀️

That’s awful.