Do you believe the dads who say ‘she stopped me from seeing my kids for NO reason’?

[thecherryfox]

long story short, when I was pregnant I had to flee my abuser as he was making threats on my life. I had to seek help from multiple professions - all of which including the police told me to not allow my newborn to have contact with this dangerous individual.

My abuser went full force with his smear campaign against me, he told everyone I didn’t allow contact with our baby ‘for no reason’ and I was bitter among lots of awful horrible lies about me. He also started a go fund me called ‘daddy’s matter’ where he victimised himself and claimed he was a victim of alienation. During the relationship, he isolated me from my own family and friends so I had to rely on his family and friends. During his smear campaign, he ensured I lost those family and friends so I had no one.

it broke me watching these people believing I wasn’t letting him see his child because I was this horrible monster and no one questioned why I didn’t allow him. I’ve heard so many experiences from other victims of abuse where they have also experienced this and because we protect our children - our abusers get treated like they’re the victims. Everyone believing their lies helps abuse their victim further.

so I guess my question is, do you believe men when they say that their ex is ‘bitter’ and stopped them for no reason - or do you question why don’t let them. Because I can assure you, the parents who ARE ‘bitter’ are such a small percentage and the truth is that us parents have to do it to protect us and our children.

I don't believe them. It's usually just a convenient "out".

You are very very wrong.

No, I would never ever believe it. Any man with a genuinely vindictive ex can simply go to court for access. If the court denies access then you know that more is going on.

One case I know in wider family and friends like that - Dad and his family did go to court and it was resolved. Seems to have been young Mum wanting to pretend new partner was child dad to point of making assault allegation - Dad was exonerated by ring camera - now she gets a lot of additional help round childcare from Dad and his family so seems to have worked out.

Most cases it's like DSis exs - lots of not turning up for contact time- leaving child with anyone when they do - often new GF kid doesn't know well - and expecting last minute plan changes to suit them - which is somehow all the Mum's fault - and amazing how often new GF believes the men.

But that works both ways OP.

if you don’t want people to blindly believe the man then why should they blindly believe the woman?

It’s just never that straightforward.

I’m not saying I don’t believe you FWIW, but there absolutely are women who withhold access from their ex’s, and there are people on this very thread who will testify that those women did it because they could and were very open about it.

Would I just blindly believe a man who said “the ex doesn’t let me see the kids,” no. I would want to know more of what that’s about. But the fact that there are women who withhold access is why so many men are believed.

This thread alone is evidence that it really isn’t vanishingly rare for women to withhold access as a PP said. And therefore we need to take every claim on its own merits.

To blindly believe someone is unwise, but if you have evidence to the fact then that’s different.

Yes it happens My own mother did it.

Having been in the situation myself - dad had a new gf and wasn't bothered to see the kids, usual of not paying but telling family I was stopping him seeing them and being difficult etc yes his family did believe for a few years until the tables turned and he did similar to them (money wise) and they saw his lies for themselves.

So no generally I don't believe it but I do also know a couple of mums that are more difficult than they need to be.

No, I don't believe these men.
They are adults, if an adult wants something for themselves (seeing his children) then he'd find a way.
Nope 🤢

Agree 100% with this. My friend split from her partner last year and it got quite messy, and she just refused to let him see their 3yo. He asked to agree some times he could see her and she just flat out said she wouldn't agree to anything until he did X, Y and Z. Effectively used the child as a bargaining chip.

Luckily she has since relented but after their split it was 100% 'well he's mad if he thinks I'll let him see [3yo] after he's acted like this", "All he's doing is making it harder for himself because I'm not going to let him see [3yo]" and on and on....

She feels that she owns the child and he should be grateful to be able to visit her here and there.

I know a relative who has been unable to see his children due to his ex’s behaviour

i do not think he is an angel, the breakup was definitely both of them but her actions since have caused issues, i would also agree that I do not know the full story

she has lied about other members of the family including me so i don’t feel that i can trust her

Most of the men who say that their ex stopped them seeing their dc 'for no reason ' are the men who make no effort to parent their children after a split .

At best , they want their ex to drop off and collect their dc so they can pretend to be Disney dad .

My ex never once contacted me to arrange to see our dc , I had to do all the running and arranging.

The fathers who have been prevented from seeing their dc , despite all their best efforts tend to have a different story to tell

Do you really think it is that simple? Months and years of court plus costs, an ex-partner manipulating the children, and lying, delaying, obstructing just isn't a thing? Other simultaneous pressures trying to find somewhere new to live, potentially paying for an expensive divorce? He should just grasp the bull by the horns and take it, or he clearly just isn't interested? And you're confident this applies across the board?

Ime men like this usually say this to new partners...they also say things like she was mad, we never had sex, she did xyz.

In essence those women believe what they want to believe.. there is rarely any truth in it.
Same with the she doesn't let me see the kids most courts would intervene unless a) he can't be arsed to fight..or b) there is a very good reason and there is a restraining order or a non mol in place!

I take it with a huge grain of salt.

I only know one person who has claimed parental alienation. Big smear campaign against the ex for preventing him contact with the children and turning them against him (children were late teens/adult when they split). Claims his ex is crazy and lazy. She was a SAHM and he had a City job with a long commute. This would have been 80s/90s pre-remote working when a City job with a long commute was just that. Yet he claims he did all the school runs. He took the children to all their after school activities. Did all the housework. His ex did literally nothing. And yet, they split and the kids cut him off and he’s never seen them again or met his grandchildren. What a terrible person she is and what a sad man he is abused by the system.

Nope, the real reason his ex left him and his then young adult daughters (youngest was 16 at the time) went NC was because he sexually abused them. He was convicted but didn’t have to serve any prison time as long as he completed a community rehabilitation programme, so most people don’t know. Everyone knows the stories about his horrible gold digger ex and his terrible children who cut him off even though he did all the school runs, apparently. 🙄

No, never in my life have in ever believed a man that's told me this.

Probably not. Think I would be very wary of a man who says this and I wouldnt bother with them in all honesty. All abit dramatic with his ex. That or hes a terrible father.

What if the mother had involved the police spreading lies? Got social services involved who laughed it off after the investigation was concluded because the mother lied? If the mother threatened the life of ex’s wife and kids? If she rang the workplace of the ex and his wife and tried to ruin their careers? Their reputation? Their livelihood? At what point do you have to cut your losses before an ex ruins your life and ends up ruining your wife’s and children’s lives too?

do you believe men when they say that their ex is ‘bitter’ and stopped them for no reason

Yes, because I've seen this in action.

Yep - because my SD's mother made it impossible to see my SD.
Would ignore the court order, walk out the door with her as DH pulled up to collect her.
She also did a good job of parental alienation.

There are only so many times you can go to court and have it ignored especially when the child gets older.

Any stats on that?

There are plenty of women on Mumsnet who seem to think they have a greater right to the children than the children's father. You see it all the time. I completely understand why but I doubt it's always in the best interest of the kids.

So no other anecdote, many of which have been outlined on this thread could possibly be be valid according to you because you refuse see past your single experience?

Don't get me wrong, the circumstances that you describe are horrific and outline a father that clearly shouldn't be allowed within a mile of a woman or child, preferably any human being. But that doesn't mean its the only example and therefore all our minds should be made up.

I wouldn't necessarily jump straight to "he's a terrible abuser' (and I'm so sorry for your experiences) but I would be wondering 'what's her side then?'. I know or know of far more lax fathers than mothers maliciously preventing access.

I didn't date those with kids anyway but if I did, this would have been end of date, goodnight. I would've only countenanced active fathers.

No.

After changing the locks, hiring a $$$ lawyer, DEMANDING a court psychologist (case of parental alienation, me being mad, he said), swaggering in,confident.The court psychologist said he should not see his DD until she is an adult. (She will never see him again).He lied and has not contacted her once since he changed the locks. Just wanted to keep his reputation intact and avoid CM.

First wife left him also. He is a millionare and DD is on special measures (though academically thriving) at school.

A monster.
A liar.

I would always think there was more behind it, even if ‘only’ that they were a shitty partner if not a shitty parent. The only cases I know of are where the woman has tried relentlessly to get the dad to have some formal and regular contact and he’s been flaky and unreliable, not turned up, only taken one of the DCs not both, cancelled last minute, insisted days be flexible around his availability etc. I know of at least 5 cases like this.

In EVERY case the mum has pushed for the kids to see the dad at least once a week, despite him being a crap ex husband because they want their kids to have a relationship with the dad and in every case the man has been obstructive, petty, unreliable, combative and in some cases downright fucking abusive.

When someone (usually a man) tells me his friend or colleague isn’t allowed access to his kids I take that with a pinch of salt. I know it does happen, but IME it’s vanishingly rare that there’s no good reason for access being withheld. Most of us want a bloody break apart from anything else!!

I don't know.

What would it take to stop you seeing your kids?

A call to your work? A malicious SS call where they, apparently, knew it was malicious? A police report? .... Where's the cut off point for you abandoning your kids for the sake of your reputation?