Do you believe the dads who say ‘she stopped me from seeing my kids for NO reason’?

[thecherryfox]

long story short, when I was pregnant I had to flee my abuser as he was making threats on my life. I had to seek help from multiple professions - all of which including the police told me to not allow my newborn to have contact with this dangerous individual.

My abuser went full force with his smear campaign against me, he told everyone I didn’t allow contact with our baby ‘for no reason’ and I was bitter among lots of awful horrible lies about me. He also started a go fund me called ‘daddy’s matter’ where he victimised himself and claimed he was a victim of alienation. During the relationship, he isolated me from my own family and friends so I had to rely on his family and friends. During his smear campaign, he ensured I lost those family and friends so I had no one.

it broke me watching these people believing I wasn’t letting him see his child because I was this horrible monster and no one questioned why I didn’t allow him. I’ve heard so many experiences from other victims of abuse where they have also experienced this and because we protect our children - our abusers get treated like they’re the victims. Everyone believing their lies helps abuse their victim further.

so I guess my question is, do you believe men when they say that their ex is ‘bitter’ and stopped them for no reason - or do you question why don’t let them. Because I can assure you, the parents who ARE ‘bitter’ are such a small percentage and the truth is that us parents have to do it to protect us and our children.

A man with difficult exes is a red flag
a woman with difficult exes proves that men are the red flags

No I don't believe men that have a 'crazy ex' or are kept from their kids for 'no reason'

I have a friend who had an awful divorce. Her husband doesn't see the children for reasons I won't disclose as not my story. So no I wouldn't believe this.

This

Would you also wonder what a woman did to deserve having a succession of abusive partners, though? I'm guessing probably not. We generally believe a woman who says that and feel sorry for her and assume that she's had abusive partners because she's vulnerable or had an abusive childhood or struggles with boundaries and spotting red flags. We don't generally say 'What she did to provoke them all?'. But people do tend to say that about men.

No, but it is sadly known that abuse is cyclical and while it can happen to any woman, some women are more vulnerable and susceptible to abuse due to their backgrounds, which can mean repeated abusive relationships.

I don't believe there are large swathes of men systemically vulnerable to all these 'psychotic women', we know women are often labelled as having mental health issues when she shows any kind of passion or indeed dissatisfaction.

In any situation where it’s ‘he said, she said’, I always give the benefit of the doubt to the woman.

I always remain skeptical because, in my experience, it's far more common for men to abandon their kids after a breakup or to not be allowed to see them for very good reasons, than it is for a women to stop contact for no reason.

However, I do know one woman who admitted keeping her kids from her ex as revenge for dumping her. So, it does happen, but I imagine very rarely!

How many women do you know that do not see their DC because their ex is a psycho? My professional experience of the family court is that it is a very biased towards men, so they would be much more likely to be on the backfoot there. Yet you barely ever meet woman that do not know their children, because women fight for contact with them.

I think it's a case of assume guilty until proven innocent in this situation.

Only one guy. He lives in a house share in his late 40's after selling his house to pay for court action and for trying to find his children. He doesn't have holidays or nice stuff as all his money goes on finding his kids. His ex sent them abroad to her family out of spite (she was very open about it) and on one occasion told him he could have them for 25k and then didn't bring them back. She's been in prison for extorting money from another of her exes since.

Having seen the lengths he's gone to I'm always very dubious of any man who claims it yet apparently doesn't even know how to fill n a form and go to court.

People do believe it a lot though. My ex used to claim I stopped him seeing our girls.
At one point I got abuse from his new GF over it until I pointed out that on "his" court ordered days my girls were actually with HIS parents as I worked around the contact schedule and they stepped in to help when he disappeared!

The vast majority of men claiming this haven't even been near a court, or even looked into the steps of going to court. That's why most are disbelieved.

Depends. I grew up with my mother not letting me and my sister see our father and she was quite vocal about telling us. Because of that I'd never completely disbelieve someone when they say it purely because I've grown up stuck in this situation.

I know men who have struggled to see their kids. From the mum going out at handover time, to just refusing to allow the father to have them, all the way to ignoring a court order with no consequences.

the courts do not favour men, they decide what’s best for the children but there is very little a father can do if a mother decided to weaponise children.

it does happen. Some women do this. No one is saying it’s as many as men who don’t see kids, but this denial from some posters that it ever happens is weird.

kudos to the poster who said she always gives the benefit of doubt to the woman not the man. At least she’s honest. It think looking at each circumstance on its facts is fairer though…

Someone I knew did this. Her husband cheated on her and left her for the other woman. Which was horrible and I really felt for her at the time. But when she met someone from Cornwall on holiday she moved her kids down there after six months (she lived in Yorkshire) and laughed that her dad x wouldn’t be able to see them very often as he couldn’t afford the journey and hotels. She refused to meet him half way. Told him if he hadn’t cheated he’d still have his kids living with him.

My husband also was given a real run around by his ex wife over seeing his child. And no he didn’t cheat, she did. She basically wanted him out of her son’s life so she could play happily families with husband no2. Thankfully things calmed down when they got divorced, and husband no 3 is a better influence on her (and the child is grown up so making his own decisions on contact).

So no I don’t always believe it. Even more so after being on Mumsnet!

I would always wonder if there was more to it if someone said this - on balance out of people I know most men who have children from previous relationships where the relationship with the children / ex-partner is massively strained for whatever reason has been because the man is an arse. I know a fair few women who have got into relationships with men like this, believed the man and that it was all the ex-partner's fault, had a baby with them and then history has repeated itself.

I do know maybe one or two situations where it's 50/50, and probably one where the ex-partner was genuinely lying, but on balance I think it is usually a red flag due to the man's behaviour.

No. I wouldn’t say never because I have known of one situation where the mother’s actions were clearly not in the best interests of the child, and the child was subsequently removed from her care. However that was an extreme situation.

I’d usually give the benefit of the doubt to the mother in the absence of other information.

This.

Never. In fact any men who says this I suspect of being abusive. Its the biggest red flag.

About as much as I do those men who describe their ex as crazy

No

My ex hasn’t seen my eldest for 20 years . I’m sure he has told his family I stopped him . The reality is he only saw dd approximately every 3 months. He also wouldn’t let me know where he lived or his phone number ! He then had another child , decided he wanted my eldest to play big sister , threatened me with court , then I never heard from him
again ! He could be dead for all I know .

No because I've been the mother on the other end of this. He wasn't bothered about seeing his kids when I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. People think he's father of the year to his eldest child, who he's a single father to and they probably hear terrible stories about me, but they are all false.

Statistically the courts do favour men. They win more applications compared to women.

Its a popular misconception they don't. A cliche often used by absent fathers.

And yes he was abusive. Very nasty and manipulative.

I'm sorry for what you have been through.

But I was coming on to say exactly what was said in the first reply.

There are usually at least 3 sides to every story - his version, your version, and the objective truth.

I stopped my exH from seeing my DD because I'm angry and controlling. I didn't even like him seeing his friends. Apparently.

No mention of him being violent, espcially following pissups with his mates and the fact the court ordered supervised contact only for which he never showed up.