She is SO much prettier

[BellsNava]

The above is a statement from my mother, about my eldest daughter in comparison to my 3 younger daughters.

For context my eldest daughter has a different dad to my younger daughters, he is Spanish and my eldest looks distinctly Spanish (tan skin, dark hair etc.) she is 23 now and undeniably gorgeous.
My younger girls are 11, 13 and 15 and I think they are also gorgeous, my 15 year old is being bullied and a lot is around looks.

My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.

I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.

AIBU to think this is good grounds for no contact? My mum is very vain and my eldest is her favourite grandchild (despite knowing her the least as my eldest hasn’t lived in the UK since she was 11). She has never said any of this to my children but I feel that’s beside the point.

It is very unusual for an 11 year old girl to want to leave her mother and move to another country. Sounds like this timing coincided with you meeting your next child's father. Your poor eldest daughter, I can't imagine anyone giving their permission for their pre-teen child to move to another country, sounds like she was surplus to requirements and she (and your mum) knew it; and you didn't even fight for her to stay with you. So sad.

No I have stopped trying at her request. We speak around her birthday, Christmas and then sometimes a random point in the year but she has made it clear she does not want me to contact her more than that.
I tried to visit her in 2021 and my mum helped arrange it (made plans with my eldest and didn’t tell her I’d be there). When she seen me she just didn’t come over at all, messaged my mum saying she didn’t want to see me and I should go. So no I don’t try as she believes the lies are truth.

She was 11, had the opportunity to live in a much bigger house, get spoiled rotten, nicer weather and with her dad who had never had to tell her off or do any parenting as he just came every other weekend and acted like a superhero. I couldn’t stop her she wanted to live with her dad not a stranger.

It's not that unusual, depressingly. There are a surprising number of threads on here from mothers who clearly dislike their daughters, not to mention a ton by women with appalling mothers.

Mum my children are all as beautiful as each other.

I don't want to hear anymore of this shit now.

Shall we see you for Sunday lunch?

That's it. If she carries on just shut it down every single time. No contact is extreme if no other issues but she needs to be told to stop this.

The specific circumstances, of you not seeing you daughter or having any sort of relationship with her, and your mother basically being the maternal figure, makes this very tricky to navigate.

Your mother clearly took on a different relationship with your daughter. And it is very unusual for your daughter to have a relationship where she talks daily to your mother, but no relationship with you.

So, you can ask your mother not.to compare them but it's not fair to pretend that your eldest daughter doesn't exist. Although it must be confusing for the girls knowing that they have a sister that they have never met.

You are going to have to carefully negotiate explaining that to the girls

The dripfeed about your relationship with your eldest daughter is so much more important than any of the trivia about comparing looks from your mother that I can only conclude that you’re projecting all over the place and/or looking for an excuse to cut contact with your mother because you resent her closeness to your eldest.

She probably has a deep seated anger towards you for abandoning her - which you did by letting her go and live abroad, and having 3 more children in quick succession. You are one of the most un self-aware posters I have ever come across.

I'm sorry to hear that and I'm sorry you have to put up with mumsnetters trolling you. I have narcissistic family members so your story is entirely plausible to me and not a sign of abandonment on your side. I'm sorry that in the past 12 years your mother, who still has daily talks with her 23 year old granddaughter (which is lovely but excessive), hasn't been able to get around to discussing a family reconciliation.

I hope when you come off mumsnet you do something nice for yourself and have a good day 💐

That isn't how it works. I'm from a divorced background. You go with the parent you're closest to, not the one who 'spoils' you/with the most money. And it doesn't explain why she wants nothing to do with you now. There's clearly a backstory to this that you probably won't acknowledge (I should think that your daughter got sidelined for the stepdad and your second family), but your resentment towards your oldest daughter shines through this.

I just don’t think this is right sorry. Your eldest is absolutely traumatised by something that has happened to her. You lived with her until she was 11. No daughter pushes her mother away without a good reason.

She does want you in her life, she’s pushing you away to test you and is probably traumatised for a second time by the fact that you appear to have accepted this relatively easily. Plus she’s been sidelined for your second family. You’ve got to keep trying, make it clear that you simply won’t accept her not having you and her sisters in her life however awful she is.

I couldn’t stop her!! I tried I really really did and I did not want my daughter moving abroad but she would scream and scream every time her dad left, force herself into panic attacks etc. all because he never had to discipline her or do any parenting and I did. So no I didn’t abandon her I fought to keep her with me but like I said it is her dad, he has all the same rights I did.

"I'm not forcing one" is a cop out.
Who cares if she's said horrible things? She's hurt.
It shouldn't matter how much she says she doesn't want to see you, you should keep trying, otherwise you're just proving that what she's been told is right.
She talks to your mum regularly so she's clearly not wanting to cut everyone off, she's hurt and can tell you don't care about her.

Delusional.

She absolutely doesn’t want a relationship with me, I’ve tried. It got to the point where she had her boyfriend message me and tell me if I kept messaging or calling her they would contact the police … so no she doesn’t want a relationship with me she’s not fucking testing me.

That's an awful thing to say. It must be difficult if a pre teen begs to live with their dad to say no you can't (unless of course he's abusive). The girl wanted to go and it's hard as a parent not to respect that.

And you just met a new partner and fell pregnant, so this was convenient? I have 11 year old daughter, her dad is foreign and yes, has money and spoils her. She would NEVER be without me. You ate no contact with your daughter and you want to go no contact with your mother. Looks like pattern is emerging

'Forcing herself into panic attacks.' Yeah that's how panic attacks work. The kid had panic attacks at her dad leaving her with her mum and her mum is trying to make out they were performative and that she's a spoilt brat. Nasty.

Your mother’s very tactless.
Sometimes it’s prudent to keep one’s opinions to one’s self.

Your mother views your children more objectively than you do, because they are not her children. Everyone thinks their own children are gorgeous, it is biological imperative. Not all people are gorgeous though, that is a fact.

Her delivery sounds like it was off and she probably didn’t need to say it at all, but it does seem that there are some very complicated relationships in your family which most likely fuelled the conversation.

I’ve been with my current husband since my eldest was 3 and a half. She was 8 when my next child was born and 10 when the next was born. They aren’t relevant to this at all.

Absolutely. I'm a mother of 11 year old girl and have friends with 11 year old girls. I'm guessing new stepdad didn't help