She is SO much prettier

[BellsNava]

The above is a statement from my mother, about my eldest daughter in comparison to my 3 younger daughters.

For context my eldest daughter has a different dad to my younger daughters, he is Spanish and my eldest looks distinctly Spanish (tan skin, dark hair etc.) she is 23 now and undeniably gorgeous.
My younger girls are 11, 13 and 15 and I think they are also gorgeous, my 15 year old is being bullied and a lot is around looks.

My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.

I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.

AIBU to think this is good grounds for no contact? My mum is very vain and my eldest is her favourite grandchild (despite knowing her the least as my eldest hasn’t lived in the UK since she was 11). She has never said any of this to my children but I feel that’s beside the point.

The back story isn't relative to what the op is asking. You're just being nosey.
Yes op I would go no contact with your mum she's very shallow.

Your 11 year old went to live with her dad because he spoiled her by travelling weekly to see her for 9 years while you had another two children and possibly a third planned or on the way when she decided she wanted to leave. How excluded did the father/fathers of your younger children make her feel?

You barely speak to your eldest and have facilitated zero relationship between the sisters. Your mum is going about it oddly but sounds like she wants to hurt you for hurting your eldest.

Also sounds like you resent your eldest when you don't like being reminded of the things she did compared to your youngest who is the only one left where the comparison of age still stands.

You haven't seen your daughter in 12 years and you can't see why your mum is resentful when she talks to her every day?

The next eldest is 15.

Does your DM support you when talking to DD1 ti try and help bring you back together?

It's really relevant to your mums comparisons. It's the reasons for your mums comparisons.

Keep her away from your younger daughters. If that means going 'no contact', so be it.

What she is saying is absolutely horrible and will be so damaging for their self esteem and mental health.

Nonsense. How can it be irrelevant that OP and the replacement daughters don’t even know her eldest? She’s only a two hour flight away!

It’s not relevant but due to lies my eldest doesn’t want me in her life. I’m not forcing a relationship where she clearly doesn’t want one and has said some horrible things. It’s not the point of the post though.

Your mum is overcompensating. She is close to your eldest and speaks daily. There is far more going on here than you have told us (which is fine).

It's not OK for her to be rude about the younger children, but I suspect this is much more complex than we can understand from your opening post.

Nobody goes from having a wonderful, loving and healthy mother to being estranged from her own little daughter. It just does not work that way.
OP's mum isn't the clumsy but altruistic (grand)mother some posters seem to think. Obviously.

OP, your own issues with your mother are to blame for your lack of attunement to your daughter(s). You need to seek help for this 🙏

No decent mother would ever say anything so judgmental about children's appearance. Tell her to do one!!

They’ve never even met her!

They do see my mum and I never said they don’t.
They don’t see my eldest.

The fact you don't have anything to do with your eldest daughter, your other children don't even know her and now you're contemplating going NC with your mother, I'd suggest looking in a mirror because your 'relationships' with your family, sound completely toxic.

Op is asking if her mum is wrong to compare her children, she is absutely wrong. Doesn't matter why you think she does it. It's not grandma's business why ops dd doesn't live with her mother and trying to shame her won't change that.

No contact?
Because people cannot say almost anything today?
Or lie and say oh, all the girls are gorgeous.
Differentiating was normal when I was a child and nobody went no contact for that. People simply stated facts. If not in front of the children, what is the problem?

This is because you're angry with your eldest rejecting you and you don't care about her as much as your other daughters, and therefore you don't want praise in her direction. So what if your mum thinks she's prettier? That's life, as your mum says. But this is about your resentment of your eldest and it's a shame. Your mum probably feels sorry for your eldest as clearly there's a backstory to why she doesn't speak to you. Girls don't reject their mothers for no good reason. Going no contact with your mum about this is ridiculously OTT.

Well I don’t think it’s a lie that all my girls are gorgeous!

Your mother might be trying to ensure that your eldest isn’t “forgotten.” I agree huge backstory here which is impacting on the current situation. Sounds like your mum sees herself as the parent to your eldest and also like you’d rather she wasn’t brought into the conversation at all.

If otherwise you have a positive relationship then I think I’d speak to her at a “good” moment and try to work it out, whilst also saying how it could be hurtful to the younger girls.

If you go NC it sounds like not only would your DC lose a granny, they’d also lose a sister too. Are you actively still trying to visit your eldest and take her sisters to see her? It may be hurtful but you’ve got to be the bigger person and keep making efforts to heal things with her.

I had a friend whose mum would compare her to me when we were about 12. She'd say things to her like "why isn't your skin like... (mine)" and look how lovely and tall... (I was). It was uncomfortable enough for me, I have no idea how she must have felt. My friend ended up seeking approval from boys instead, became pregnant and marched off to have an abortion at 13, much to her mum's horror. She ended up having more children and marrying young, to escape her mum I assume.

I do agree your mum is overcompensating though and perhaps feels your eldest got pushed out when you got a "new" family. Of course, I could be way off the mark though, as only you and the people involved know what really happened.

I'd want to get to the root of this though and make it clear to your mum that under no circumstances is she to ever compare any of your children in this way again and point out the damage it will cause if these kinds of comments get overheard or if she's even implying stuff like this to your other daughters without realising.

I wouldn’t let her near your children in your position. She could choose to be positive about your eldest without being negative about your younger children. She’s choosing to put your other children down and I wouldn’t accept that, it’s not what good, loving grandparents do.