She is SO much prettier

[BellsNava]

The above is a statement from my mother, about my eldest daughter in comparison to my 3 younger daughters.

For context my eldest daughter has a different dad to my younger daughters, he is Spanish and my eldest looks distinctly Spanish (tan skin, dark hair etc.) she is 23 now and undeniably gorgeous.
My younger girls are 11, 13 and 15 and I think they are also gorgeous, my 15 year old is being bullied and a lot is around looks.

My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.

I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.

AIBU to think this is good grounds for no contact? My mum is very vain and my eldest is her favourite grandchild (despite knowing her the least as my eldest hasn’t lived in the UK since she was 11). She has never said any of this to my children but I feel that’s beside the point.

I didn't read all the OP posts and how she still blames on lies, the abuse her 11 y.o. daughter apparently told her about. No wonder her daughter left with her father and doesn't want a relationship with her as an adult.

Good grief.

I thik it's almost certainly quite relevant and it's interesting that you don't see a connection at all. Your mum is on Team DD1 because she thinks you are not.

And as I said before, most 11 year olds don't want to leave their mum at all, let alone leave their school, their grandma and the entire country unless there is something big going on that's upsetting them. In your DD's case it dovetails neatly with you having three other children with someone new, so she was the only one in the household that didn't belong to all of you.

I'm appalled that she's never even met your youngest. You clearly didn't spend the next few years flying back and forth every other weekend to see her in Spain like her dad had previously done, did you? With three new children to care for I get that would be impractical, but did you make any effort at all? Even if you'd havd to move mountains to make it happen, it's something your DD would have been looking for, as proof that she mattered to you as much as the new children. It sounds as if you haven't even insisted that she come and stay at yours for the school holidays either, if she's never even met your youngest. I think your eldest DD feels completely replaced and irrelevant to you and it's not hard to see why. No wonder you don't have much relationship with her now.

It's weird sometimes how these drip feedy threads go. You come on to complain about what seems to be one isolated issue, only to plop another massive issue into the middle of the thread like an irrelevant afterthought, when actually, it's everything. It forms the context of the whole problem.

It's like the 'I am dreading my clever, pretty, successful stepdaughter coming home for Christmas because she makes my three poor, jobless, anxious, autistic daughters feel uncomfortable' thread all over again. There is a lot more going on than was first apparent.

I strongly disagree with this. I am my DCs’ mother and they would have lived with me if we had split. I’m sure DH would have seen them a lot and I would have encouraged that, but I am the primary caregiver. I carried them and gave birth to them, and I worked part time when they were small so they were with me much more. I am their main parent.

I remember that thread. Lol

@Rowen32 you think every Spanish person is prettier than every English person? And that's "objective?" 😂Suggest you buy a dictionary.

@PierceMorgansChin
You clearly didn't spend the next few years flying back and forth every other weekend to see her in Spain like her dad had previously done, did you? With three new children to care for I get that would be impractical

It may have been financially impossible.

You are quoting wrong person. But if you can't afford to see your daughter maybe don't have three more?

You make it possible to do at least one trip a year. Most people would absolutely make it happen to do way more than that. It's Spain, not USA or Asia. You can get flights for £20 return off peak. You can almost do a long day trip there, if not a short weekend trip.

I can understand people r limited by finances etc.. but for your kids you will make things happen one way or another.

Seems like OP didn't bother until it was waaaay waaay too late when she flew out there in secret which if course would piss DC off. Seems like OPs mum was trying to help too in arranging that trip (albeit in a misguided way since DC won't have appreciated the secrecy)- but OP wants to go NC with her mum because her mum sticks up for her daughter and highlights her strengths🤷

I'm not normally this harsh in AIBU because I hate a pile on. But something about this situation is just making me so so unbelievably sad for this DC. Let's hope her dad has been a great dad for her. And at least she has her grandma

I feel so sorry for your DD1 OP. She must have felt abandoned. Since you knew you couldn't possibly visit her in Spain every week you ought to have kept her with you. Her dad would have had to live near you to file for joint custody...

Very compassionate post, thank you 🙏
Clearly a VERY complex family situation, with toxic and intricate dynamics. As you well notice, all children are paying the price.
I can't comprehend why people are so blind re the motives of OP's mum: to me there's not even an ounce of genuine care for her granddaughter. I suspect her real motives are far more unpalatable than people would like to imagine.

😂😂

Well maybe. But the way I see it the other three children live with their mum and mum loves them but doesn't bother with her eldest. It is quite possible that this makes grandma want to stick up for the oldest and make her sound really good in an attempt to convince her daughter not to forget her and to love her too. It's not nice to put down the 3 chosen ones in order to make the older one seem more positive, and to try and get the mum to consider her, but I can understand the grandma's temptation.

What is your view on why grandma has stayed in touch with her granddaughter then? And they speak often? Is there a hidden malevolent motive?

Real motives? Like what? The OP has said she speaks to her DGD1 almost every day. That is not the behaviour of a woman who has not an ounce of genuine care for her, but is merely engaging in some passive aggressive shit stirring to upset her daughter, which is what you seem to be suggesting.

I agree, I'm not normally harsh either but it's just not a nice thread. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying someone is prettier (in private), it's the world we live in, some people are prettier. There's a huge backstory, it's nice the grandmother has kept in touch

Oh buzz off. If you looked at the girls objectively the oldest might well be the prettiest, maybe look up one yourself - gosh this thread is rotten

Yes, it's clear the OP didn't really fight for her. I understand why, sometimes, you are must be tempted to say 'Sod it, just go and live with your Disney Dad then, if you think it's going to be so much better than here.'

But that's not what the child wants to hear, not really. They want to see you fight for them. They want to know they matter and are heard, and they want whatever is upsetting them at home to be better. It's a cry for help, 99% of the time. The answer isn't to throw in the towel, especially not when it means them moving to another country where you know full well it's going to be difficult for you to keep up regular visits and it's inevitable they will end up feeling distanced from you and their half siblings.

Also I am always suspicious of posters who say 'so and so turned against me because they believed all the lies tehy were told' without going into specifics about what these 'lies' actually were. In my experience people tend to make their own minds up based on their own personal experiences, not whatever poison might be being dripped in their ear by other people with an agenda. I know it happens, but I don't think most people (even children) are always as easy to manipulate as some would have us believe. Sometimes, if you are being painted as the villain by your child, it's simply because that's what they feel. Not because someone else has lied to them about you.

She did go into the specifics a bit. She said her daughter accused someone (presumably either herself or her partner/the daughter's stepdad) of abusing her. Those are the 'lies' the OP is referring to. So essentially her daughter said she was being abused and her mum didn't believe her. Presumably the dad stepped in at this point and took her to live with him. It's unsurprising the daughter is now NC with her mother.

Then she should not have allowed her to go. As she's never even met the youngest DD it's obvious that she never visited her mum in the UK again and by the sounds of things, until that one visit when she was an adult, the OP never went to Spain either. There is absolutely no excuse for that no matter how many other younger children you have. As someone else pointed out, it's Spain, not Australia. You can practically go for a daytrip cheaper than getting from London to Manchester on the train. How many times has the grandmother managed to see the girl in the years since she was 11?

Yes okay it was very vaguely tocuhed on but not with any useful detail. Waved away like an irrelevance. The OP sees herself as the had done by victim here, clearly.

It makes more sense in the context of an abusive background. It's unlikely the girl's dad would have let her see mother, or her mother come and visit, if he thought there was a background of abuse. Which is what the OP has alluded to a couple of times.

Right. And maybe the OP wasn't 100% sure it was all lies? If I was accused wrongly of abuse, I would fight to clear my name rather than send 'the problem child' away. Now her daughter is a beautiful happy young woman and it is not thanks to OP, it's despite of her.

You genuinely believe that the fact that GM speaks to DD1 almost every day is in itself guaranty of an honest, selfless and caring relationship? We are going to have to agree to disagree in this one, as they say.

Well I think it makes it rather more likely that she loves her than that she has 'no genuine care for her' as you suggest, yes.

Is there an age in the uk that a child can decide which parent they want to live with ? I think it could be 12