She is SO much prettier

[BellsNava]

The above is a statement from my mother, about my eldest daughter in comparison to my 3 younger daughters.

For context my eldest daughter has a different dad to my younger daughters, he is Spanish and my eldest looks distinctly Spanish (tan skin, dark hair etc.) she is 23 now and undeniably gorgeous.
My younger girls are 11, 13 and 15 and I think they are also gorgeous, my 15 year old is being bullied and a lot is around looks.

My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.

I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.

AIBU to think this is good grounds for no contact? My mum is very vain and my eldest is her favourite grandchild (despite knowing her the least as my eldest hasn’t lived in the UK since she was 11). She has never said any of this to my children but I feel that’s beside the point.

He had been around for almost 8 years when she moved, he wasn’t new?

There is more to it than this. My daughter and I have our moments but she would no more leave me for better weather/ a bigger house than pigs would fly. Equally even if her dad was the Prince of Persia there is no way on god’s earth she’d be living with him from 11. I’d certainly need an enforceable court order which I would fight tooth and nail or an insurmountable issue my side (prison/ serious illness) before she’d be going to live anywhere other than with me.

Sounds horribly like she had a difficult childhood and she reminds you of how it all went wrong, hence why you’re prepared to cut her off and focus on your shiny new family. Your mum is reacting to this, albeit in a potentially harmful way.

That's not for you to say. It might have been relevant to her. From her perspective her mum brings this strange man home and start having babies. I would have rather lived with my dad in a nice house than with a stepdad I didn't like and screaming babies. Still think there's a lot more to it if she threatened you with police. Would love to know her side of it

I actually know a mum who was in this situation, only her daughter was 13 when she chose to live abroad with her dad. The mum was devastated and never really came to terms with it as her children were her whole world, that had never been the case for their dad. The daughter is now in her 30s with children of her own, going through her own messy breakup with the father of her children, and she’s realised in the last few years that her dad wasn’t great and manipulated and lied. Mum and daughter are now rebuilding their relationship. There have been lots of tears but they’re both glad to have each other again. If what you say is true OP, I hope the same happens for you and your daughter. Don’t give up on her.

what makes you think you have the right to decide which parent your child lives with? You are no more her parent than her dad is.

That mum probably didn't come onto Mumnset all angry because her own mother was praising the daughter who left and wanting to break off that relationship and sever yet another tie with her daughter.

Your 11 year old has a boyfriend who text you to stay away?

Are you even reading? She’s 23 now!

Because as a parent you should know what's in your 11-year-old kid's best interest better than the kid does. And that wouldn't be sending a kid to live permanently with what you claim is a 'Disney dad'. Did you actually feel she was better off with her father than with you?

I’m her mother and I have her best interests at heart, that’s what gives me the right. Especially in the situation you’ve described (nasty divorce, probably traumatised child, over indulgent Disney dad who hasn’t tried proper parenting) clearly an 11 year old doesn’t have the maturity to make the best decision- children of that age have brains which are not yet fully developed to be able to see the consequences of their actions. She’s just gone with what looked good in the short term.

I’d at the very least have insisted on the Disney dad act stopping before a decision is made. Most likely though I’d have said she wouldn’t be going without a court order which I would have fought, and that we could discuss it again when she was 16 and her dad had shown he was capable of being a responsible parent.

Oof, OP. I'm going to say this with all due respect and as gently as I can (although it's becoming a challenge for me to remain calm reading this thread!): no child prefers to be "spoiled rotten" over having a mother. Not one child.
You clearly need professional help to address this toxic mess of relationships within your family. Your daughter deserves a mother who loves her unconditionally. Maybe you didn't learn how to love unconditionally because your own mother also lacks this basic human skill (many such cases): I would encourage you to unravel your own issues with your mother (best case she is a bully) if you want to have a healthy mother-daughter relationship with all your daughters.
Honestly, good luck: may the spell be broken and the newer generation of women in your family can break free from this toxic burden.

@AnonymousBleep It’s not the praising of the eldest that is the problem, it’s that she is speaking negatively about her other grandchildren. That’s not acceptable. Would you do that?

You said that nowhere..
In any case no I don't think it's a reason to go NC.
Objectively speaking she probably is prettier than your other daughters given the Spanish genes.

BellsNava most of the posters are just enjoying a feeding frenzy - I believe AIBU attracts our trollish brethren sometimes. This isn't about you and your problem any more. Kindly, I suggest you put the phone down and ignore us all now. They're just bullying you at this point.

Take care 💐

It’s literally in my OP all of my girls ages. Objectively speaking it appears you need some literacy lessons.

It’s probably somewhat understandable if you read the OP’s gigantic dripfeed and see that the grandmother is the only one in the family to have a relationship with the OP’s eldest daughter, and hence presumably feels protective of her, even if it’s being expressed in a silly, pernicious way.

Nonsense.
AIBU does attract trolls but it also has threads like this one, where the headline bears absolutely no resemblance to what's actually going on here. It's not 'bullying' to question questionable parenting decisions on a forum for and about parenting.

I don’t think this is a reason to go nc (seems extreme!!) but as others have said yes she needs to know she can’t make comments like that. From talking to others and my own mum gps act over favourably with the eldest, they know them longest etc etc

Girl at that age who are hitting puberty need their mothers. I say that as someone whose mother died at a similar age.
My dc have foreign dads and no way in hell would I agree for them to move abroad at that age.
Sounds like she didn’t fit into your new family and was easier to ship her off. You sound bitter and jealous of her.

Objectively speaking you come across as nasty just from your posts on here. I doubt the things your daughter has been told or witnessed are lies.
Grow up, accept responsibility, apologise and make some effort.

I'd put money on the reason the OP's mum is doing this being because the OP is constantly going on about her three younger daughters and never mentions her older daughter at all.