She is SO much prettier

[BellsNava]

The above is a statement from my mother, about my eldest daughter in comparison to my 3 younger daughters.

For context my eldest daughter has a different dad to my younger daughters, he is Spanish and my eldest looks distinctly Spanish (tan skin, dark hair etc.) she is 23 now and undeniably gorgeous.
My younger girls are 11, 13 and 15 and I think they are also gorgeous, my 15 year old is being bullied and a lot is around looks.

My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.

I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.

AIBU to think this is good grounds for no contact? My mum is very vain and my eldest is her favourite grandchild (despite knowing her the least as my eldest hasn’t lived in the UK since she was 11). She has never said any of this to my children but I feel that’s beside the point.

Yes if she’s not usually bitchy just for the fun of it, maybe she’s just very sad and disappointed about the rift between you and your eldest and this is her way of showing it and trying not to let you forget she exists. Maybe you could sit down with her when you have a long uninterrupted stretch of time and talk properly about your eldest, let her tell you about her life and what she’s up to and both try to understand each others point of view about the situation. It could be cathartic for both you you and would maybe help to stop the constant comparisons.

I'm re reading this and thinking thank goodness the poor girl is someone's favourite.

I didn’t mention the lack of my relationship with my eldest as it wasn’t relevant to my mums awful comparisons.

I didn’t abandon my eldest, her dad and I split when she was tiny, he then got a flight every other Friday after work to some and see her. He did that for 9 years. When DD was 11 she asked if she could live with her dad. He spoils her, and then as she got older told her lies about me. I never ever abandoned her and I have tried to visit her and she doesn’t want me to.

It’s annoying that you didn’t include your drip feed posts in your OP. Most people only read the OP and then post a comment. They won’t know the massive backstory that is going on here.

My thoughts exactly

Your mum tries to compensate for your lack of relationship with your daughter.

Eugh! I hate when people do things like this to their kids. Was it really so hard for them to find ways of building your sister’s self esteem? So sorry you were subjected to that.

You didn't deal with the bullying with your eldest because she didn't live with you and you rarely saw her... even if she had been bullied you wouldn't have been dealing with it!

If your daughters don't know each other I don't think it's such a big deal really. If you were all living as a harmonious family then yes it would be a big problem but as it is, being compared with a stranger is much less of an issue than your sister.

I think be grateful that your mum and daughter are close - cutting off your mum seems disproportionate, maybe restrict contact with your younger daughters if you think she's saying harmful things.

Just be grateful that your daughter has your mum as support and a relationship, and ask your mum for support and help.in creating a relationship with your daughter.

" yes I know she's beautiful and brilliant. How do I have a relationship with her, and actually see her?"

Is she saying this “eldest did that too or eldest got better results” in front of your other girls? Do they pick up that she likes your eldest best? If she is in any way toxic to them then you should absolutely cut her out of your life.

I think this might be at the root of it too. She clearly thinks you gush over your other children and ignore your eldest. I think she's trying to redress the balance and have DD1s back, because she thinks you do not.

That’s incredibly sad for you both.❤️

Sounds like you need to call your mum fat and ugly as you can’t argue with facts right?

Your mum is speaking as parents and grandparents used to … x is the pretty one , y the clever one, z the good natured one etc. It’s annoying but do you really want to stop seeing your mum and prevent her having a relationship with the grandchildren? Just tell her to stop because it’s will knock the confidence of the young ones and could cause bad feeling.

Well, you nailed it for me: having read the rest of the story, I find it very strange and complex indeed!

How can being estranged from your eldest have "nothing to do" with anything? It obviously is a massive issue and of course it will have to do with everything.
Why does your mum has a daily relationship with your own daughter? Is she (your mum) the source of the lies you say your daughter believes about you? What is going on here?

We had this as sisters in my family and it really affects your self esteem, tell her to knock it off.

From your later information about your eldest daughter not having lived with you for a long time, and you not being on good terms with her whereas your mother is, it’s clear that there’s a lot more going on here than you said at first. However, it was a stupid thing for your mother to say, even if she was trying clumsily to stick up for the daughter she knows you seem to love least. It’s sad if her attempts to talk to your other daughters about their sister consist of comparing her achievements favourably to theirs, but it’s also sad that you apparently have done nothing to foster a relationship between your three youngest daughters and their sister.

I suspect that if you are honest you will admit that part of your anger is because you feel guilty about your relationship with your eldest and annoyed that your mother has the good relationship with her that you don't.

But - as long as your mother is never going to say anything like this to your other daughters - what would be the point of going NC and depriving your other daughters of their grandmother?

I hate the MN trend of telling people to cut family members out of their lives completely if they find the person annoying. There would have to be a lot more provocation than you have mentioned before I thought it would be reasonable to cut off all contact with my mother.

@TypingoftheDead

It got worse when I was a teenager . By then my confidence was on the floor . What they did worked because my sister has lots of confidence. My parents said she would leap over me and do better than me.

She has brought them a lot of stress and she talks to them like dirt, is idolised but only in the family.

If you wanted posters to be horrible about your mum, I guess you got your wish. So many won't read your dripfeed updates.

Oh just read the rest, least of your worries.

Please keep you all away from your mother. My mother said these things to me from when I was about 5, how plain I was and she’d wanted a pretty daughter. Made me miserable for years.
I won’t even go into why your mother thinks girls should be valued for their looks only, just cut her off —- she’s horrible and damaging.

then surely she was trying to help?

MN "we shouldn't judge people who never visit their vulnerable elderly parents, not all parents are good, their children probably had perfectly good reasons to cut contact with them."

That makes sense. Your mother sounds poisonous so it would be understandable why your daughter who has been habituated to her father's lies against you. In which case your mother and ex have triangulated your eldest daughter against you. She of course will be happy with the adoration of grandma and dad and will assume the worst about you.

Go as low contact as you can with grandma and grey rock her (look it up) when she goes on one of her rants about your eldest DD being perfect.