She is SO much prettier

[BellsNava]

The above is a statement from my mother, about my eldest daughter in comparison to my 3 younger daughters.

For context my eldest daughter has a different dad to my younger daughters, he is Spanish and my eldest looks distinctly Spanish (tan skin, dark hair etc.) she is 23 now and undeniably gorgeous.
My younger girls are 11, 13 and 15 and I think they are also gorgeous, my 15 year old is being bullied and a lot is around looks.

My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.

I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.

AIBU to think this is good grounds for no contact? My mum is very vain and my eldest is her favourite grandchild (despite knowing her the least as my eldest hasn’t lived in the UK since she was 11). She has never said any of this to my children but I feel that’s beside the point.

‘No contact’ is a bit extreme. I expect she is trying to make up,in some way for the fact that you don’t have a relationship with your eldest by bigging her up.

Your Mother has taken on the role of parent, there is obviously far more to this story. If she said it just to you and not in front of your other children then just speak to her truthfully how you feel about it. The issue would be if in front of the other children.

Regardless of your own relationship with your daughter, your mum is being extremely unreasonable. I'd even say as a blanket rule that it's never a good idea to comment on anybody's appearance as a teenager, particularly teenage girls.

This is horrible.

It's a difficult enough world for girls and women because so much emphasis is put on physical appearance. To hear the children's grand mother reinforcing and differentiating between her grandchildren on the basis of looks makes me feel sick.

And having been brought up in a family where favouritism was the norm I know the life long damage it can cause.

I would feel very differently about my mum OP if she came out with comments like that.
And if she really can't see anything wrong with what she said I don't think going nc is an over reaction, given the problems your other daughter is currently experiencing.

Has she got any sisters? Tell her you understand exactly where she's coming from as she is plainer than her sisters. Or plainer than you and your sisters, or plainer than her mother. Watch the colour drain from her face.

I don’t understand your mum’s comments. Someone’s height doesn’t impact how pretty their face is, plenty of attractive people exist at any given height. It’s nonsensical.

She’s just trying to drive a wedge for whatever reason

Her sisters don't even seem to know her, as long as your mother doesn't say it in front of them, I don't see the problem tbh. Obviously a lot going on here.

Ask your Mum to never again utter those things - especially to the girls. She is not to say anything unless she has something nice to say.

Your daughter's bullying. Take advice from the school counseller. Hit it hard with help from a professional.

Every week your daughter suffers this, is a week too long.

In the meantime also go for a walk with all your girls every day, encourage sport and activity. Don't buy junk foods and biscuits and cakes. Cut out refined white sugar. Give every chance for your daughters' skin to stay clear and healthy.

Invite the bullied girl's friends over more, to go to a movie or skating etc.

What about “Gosh I try not to compare people like that, it’s a bit weird. If I think about your generation Aunty X is far prettier than you and MIL much cleverer.”

I think you are winning the Monday Morning Dripfeed Bombshell Award hands down OP, congratulations.

I wouldn’t have been able to listen to this. I would say ‘and you are ugly on the inside and outside for saying such things no wonder we live in such a sexist society when a woman is making such comments’

I would have flounced.

But I had a mother who spent year picking apart our looks etc

Sounds like your mother is protective of the eldest. Eldest probably feels that she has replaced by her 3 younger siblings, especially if you rarely bother with her.

The relationships sound more complex than your first post eluded to. Your mothers comments are horrid and need to stop, however I wonder if she’s indirectly trying to keep your DD1 a part of the family ‘oh eldest did that too’, ‘I remember eldest going on a school trip to X’, ‘Eldest was great in maths’ etc given your relationship with her is so poor and your younger children seem to have no relationship with her at all it’s plausible that your mother feels like DD1 is being written out of the family.

Yes, OP is definitely taking the crown here

This, to put it mildly.

Your mum's comments were strange and uncalled for and you should have just stopped her. It sounds to me like she is a big cheerleader for your eldest daughter, and if she speaks to her often then is close to her.
I feel like there's a lot more to unwrap with regard to your relationship with your daughter and the estrangement, I feel like this may go someway to explain your mum's behaviour and it isn't the simple case of her just having chosen a favourite for no reason. You sound very dismissive of your oldest child.

The comments are unfair and inappropriate and need to stop. But going no contact? Do people just go no contact for anything nowadays? No contact should be for unforgivable, and irreparable damage. This is thoughtless, small minded tittle tattle.
It does sound like you are looking for an excuse to just cut her off.

This. She's not saying it to the other girls.

As it's to you maybe reminding you about your eldest daughter. You most likely tell her plenty about the others so she tells you about your eldest in return. Especially if eldest is first grandchild.

If you are based in the UK, but your eldest hasn't been since she was 11, there is clearly more going on here - does your mum think she has to remind you about how great your eldest is as she thinks you abandoned her?

So if your next eldest DD is 11 and your eldest is 23, it sounds like she moved to Spain to be with her father when a new man came into your life and you got pregnant.

Children don't generally want to leave their mothers, especially at 11 years old. Whatever has gone on here, it sounds like your mother feels she needs to fight your eldest's corner. Telling you your younger children aren't as pretty is a bit of a shit way to do it, but is sounds like there is a huge back story here.

@BellsNava just make sure your daughters don’t hear what your mum has to say.

I had the same growing up, but the comments were from my own mother, I was either too thin or too fat and one time she even commented that my outfit that my sister wanted to borrow would have to be taken in as I was fat,I was a size 10!

The comments just never stopped, I was never considered pretty enough, tall enough and the list went on. Luckily I grew to ignore her comments and trained myself to think her comments didn’t matter.

I tell my daughter every day she is beautiful on the inside and out xx

Well that clearly tells you all you need to know about your mother: she is a bully. Bullying is about the bully's own s*it being projected onto others. It takes one to know one, as they say. So no: YANBU at all.

(I know it's not the point of your post but re your DD being bullied: bullies "smell" vulnerability and that's how they choose their victims. The antidote must be building your daughter's own strengths and self-esteem. I hope she can rise above this, I wish you the best 🙏)

Given the update I wonder if thus is your mum's, rather clumsy, way of reminding you and her sisters that you have another daughter.

That your daughter is also part of the family and should be acknowledged and talked about. And that you need to have a relationship with your own child.

But clearly something has gone very wrong of you only talk to your daughter a couple of times a year.

You have a daughter you see two or three times a year? Rightio, must find better way to use my time...you have bigger issues here than your mum.

If she hasn't said it in front of the children, I'd shut it down firmly.

If she has, then in my experience as the less pretty one (even told that by my mother with emphasis on how beautiful my sister is), it breeds resentment that may take a lot of years to get over between siblings. At least the three can band together and support each other. It also hurts self-esteem.

With maturity I realise that 1. beauty isn't actually worth that much in the long run, 2. it doesn't last, unlike brains, which I had far more of in abundance, 3. the beautiful one doesn't necessarily age the best compared to their less beautiful sibling, 4. beauty doesn't mean you do better in life.