She is SO much prettier

[BellsNava]

The above is a statement from my mother, about my eldest daughter in comparison to my 3 younger daughters.

For context my eldest daughter has a different dad to my younger daughters, he is Spanish and my eldest looks distinctly Spanish (tan skin, dark hair etc.) she is 23 now and undeniably gorgeous.
My younger girls are 11, 13 and 15 and I think they are also gorgeous, my 15 year old is being bullied and a lot is around looks.

My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.

I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.

AIBU to think this is good grounds for no contact? My mum is very vain and my eldest is her favourite grandchild (despite knowing her the least as my eldest hasn’t lived in the UK since she was 11). She has never said any of this to my children but I feel that’s beside the point.

I honestly don't know, but it's very difficult to accept that what she's doing is helpful in any way to her daughter and certainly won't help to repair the relationship between OP and her dd1. And yes, there are people who seem to get a kick out of making others feel bad about their choices, so that's what I'm assuming OP's mother is doing here.
Of course it's just my opinion, based on OP's posts and my own assumptions. We'll never know.

There’s no fixed age, it depends on maturity. But about 11 and older, their views will definitely be taken into account. Some people on here act as if a child would never choose to live with their dad unless the mum is a terrible parent but that’s not true. There can be various reasons and the OP respected her child’s wishes. There’s only so much that can be done if the child is adamant they want to live with the other parent.

Surely a lot cheaper than having a 4th child.

God it’s all about the OP having committed the cardinal sin of having children with someone else. Why didn’t she stay single until the DD was 35? Then this would never have happened, despite that the abuse allegations weren’t even against her partner, as she clarified.

'She is SO much prettier.'.....My mum went on to list all the ways my eldest is prettier, tall, slim with abs, long legs, beautiful long dark hair, tanned, “gorgeous face”.
Then she listed all the ways my younger girls aren’t as “pretty”, short, “a little chubby” (I don’t even think this is true), acne, not very “pretty in the face”.
I was gobsmacked and told my mum that sentiment isn’t appreciated. She then said oh but you can’t argue with facts, and listed the ways they are “better” than my eldest (more friendly and sociable, “just” as smart etc.) before wrapping up with it’s a shame but it’s life.'

OP what was it that led to this conversation in the first place? Given that you have virtually no contact with your DD1, what even triggered this conversation? What was the context?

She never clarified it. The abuse allegations were either against OP or the stepdad, and since OP doesn't believe them, I'm guessing they were against the stepdad

She said “The reason she wanted to move and the lies she were later told were nothing to do with my husband.” Which suggests that the allegations were not against the stepdad. How do you know they were either against the OP or the husband?

No, don't be daft. I'm replying to the poster who said it may have been financially impossible to regularly visit the child in Spain.

The more I think about it the more these complaints/accusations of 'abuse' (in whatever form that might have taken) must have been quite an issue at the time. This man who sounds pretty decent, spent nine years going to and from the UK twice a month to see his DD, yet suddenly he gets full custody and doesn't even try to faciliate a relationship with her mother going forward? Why on earth not?

Knowing full well that she's got three young children and can't easily travel, you'd think he'd be happy to bring his DD over a couple of times a year in the school holidays for a week or so, until he was old enough to be put on a plane by herself and met at the other end, wouldn't you?

To take her to Spain at her own request and then for the contact with her mother to more or less cease completely from that point sounds quite serious.

I feel very sorry for the eldest DD in this.

Good thing she had a decent, responsible father who took her away from an unsafe environment. Flying over from Spain every second weekend doesn't sound like a 'Disney dad' to me, it's putting in effort and being present in his child's life.

It's not surprising she's keeping OP at arms length given the history.

She said the abuse never happened. Whoever was the perpetrator, OP does not believe her own daughter and now daughter threatens to call police if mother comes near her. You keep supporting this mother of the year, clearly SHE is the victim

That could just as easily be interpreted as her standing up for her husband and refusing to believe her daughter's allegations of abuse. She hasn't denied that they were against either her or her husband and she has been asked directly (including by me) and has ignored those questions.

Also it's not about her having more kids with another man, as it's possible to do that without having to erase your oldest child from your family life completely. But the OP herself mentioned the abuse allegations and the fact her 11-year-old daughter was having panic attacks when her dad left her to go back to Spain, and that's got red flags all over it.

Right, Disney Dad who had sole custody for 12 years

Coming from somebody that couldn't even read and comprehend the OP 😂

😂😂

😂😂

Honestly, your choice to attack character rather than argue a point says a lot. Best of luck to OP's oldest daughter, leaving this thread now and returning to nicer ones 😊

I have no point to argue. You didn't read the OP, then continued to argue that the OP hadn't included information in her OP that she had, then made a bizarre comment that all Spanish girls are more attractive than English ones.

Says more about you than me imo.

Now I think about it again I suspect the grandma thinks she is sticking up for the eldest. It's nice she makes an effort to speak to her every day.

Maybe she is upset her granddaughter moved country.

I don't think her approach is helpful because in supporting one child she criticises others - none of them deserve it. I wouldn't go no contact. I'd say I'm not comparing my kids looks thanks. It doesn't matter who is prettiest, smartest etc.. (then change the subject).

If the elder daughter was abused (which seems blindingly obvious) then I sincerely hope the abuser is nowhere near the younger three daughters.

Very mean and toxic thing to say.

Some parents get off on causing sibling rivalry.

Yes people did openly voice their toxic opinions but we’ve made strides in terms of psychology and mental health.

There’s a reason why therapy offices are brimming with adults trying to make sense of their low self esteem and trauma from childhood.

Hold on a minute, you have no relationship with your daughter who is 23 and haven’t had for years? I don’t give sympathy to anyone who can’t manage to be part of their child’s life. The idea that you’re trying to assert some kind of moral high ground over your mum, and are presenting yourself as the victim makes me very uncomfortable. Your Mum is clearly just trying to stand up for her in rather clumsy way. Assuming your young daughters didn’t hear it, so what. You are not the victim here, your eldest daughter is. Do better and face I to your own misdemeanours rather than deflecting them on to your mum.